Thursday, April 30, 2009

Here is the update -

Beta is 25.

The median reported at 11 dpo (when blood was drawn) is 23.

So I'm right on target at this point, according to

Of course, the initial number isn't the concern, doubling normally is. I have an appointment for Monday already in place. I didn't speak with my mw - I spoke with another affiliated with the center as my mw was out of the office at a homecheck. So she didn't know my history and said it was pretty low and that we'd need to repeat within 2-4 days. I told her that MW and I had spoken previously about giving it plenty of time to develop, and I had an appointment for Monday.

I feel pretty good about this right now. I know it's low, but it's on track, and I feel like it will continue on track. I hope so, anyway.

Still majorly vomit-y and nauseated. Boobs are not as sore as a couple of days ago, but still achey and sore (and um, holy nipples, Batman!). Get very sleepy/tired very easily. Still crampy, but not badly so. Still have lots and lots of wet creamy white cm and NO signs of spotting. I should have started my period today or tomorrow and definitely should have had some spotting by now. Cervix is low, soft and closed (normally low, firm and closed).

So I feel pretty good right now. Let's cross our fingers for doubling!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

And I have a beta draw today.

I thought I should wait, but then I didn't because I'm panicky like that.

So I called the mw and she said to come on in today, no need to wait.

And she also said it was so odd I called today, because she was just thinking of me this very morning, wondering when she would hear from me again. Very interesting coincidence.

We're hoping third time is a charm.

I'm looking for the initial beta to be very, very low (as it is 11 dpo) and hoping for a nice rise on Friday. That's the benefit of having it drawn today, I can have some idea by Friday other than peeing on sticks.

So cross your fingers for a) decent number and b) no blown vein this time.

{edited to add, decent number would be over 20. The median from for 11 dpo is 23. The medium range seems to be 10-55. just for context}

* * * *

I like my midwife. She was terribly amused by how early I came in, but said she didn't mind at all, there was no need to wait.

She didn't blow the vein, but she did give me a bad bruise again. Ouchie.

We agreed we'd draw again on Monday to make sure that there was plenty of time for doubling, since we anticipate a low initial number, and so we don't waste our time if it happened to be a chemical pregnancy, though she said with me having symptoms, she was very optimistic.

However, retching into the sink is not a normal PMS symptom.


Just vomited into my sink while I was brushing my teeth. Well, if you call it vomiting when there is nothing in your stomach.

I'm a freak, things are likely fine.

That was seriously nasty though.

And whoever said that it was better to throw up - you'll feel better? LIAR. LYING LIAR WHO LIED to me. Because I'm still queasy and icky and now my stomach hurts. And I don't want to brush my teeth anymore.

Vomiting is not normal for me barring intestinal flu (don't have) and food poisoning (don't think I have it).

And feeling less optimistic today.

Yeah, telling people this early was a bad idea.

I knew it.

Temp dropped some today. Not abnormal - exactly like Chickadee, actually. But there has been a huge increase in cm and my boobs are not really sore this morning. All of that seems like my period is coming.

And the tests are all lighter than last night. I mean, they are all still positive - including the digital - but . . . where I could take pictures last night, I can't really this morning. I know, I know. Faintness or darkness of lines doesn't really mean anything, especially from different boxes, etc. etc.

Doesn't matter. I'm pretty much scared witless. I'm going to feel really stupid if I get my period tomorrow or Friday. I knew I shouldn't have taken my temperature - it's still quite high (in the triphasic range). And I am still very nauseated. But . . . yeah.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


Thank you all for the outpouring of congratulations, well-wishes, prayers, kindness, enthusiasm and understanding.

I really am not trying to hide the pregnancy anywhere - it's in my chart, it's here, there are tickers floating about. I just don't want to make a big deal out of it yet outside of here. It's still only 10 dpo, after all, and my missed period is still a couple of days away. Given past history, I am leery of putting a lot out there and making a fuss, lest it end poorly. But I knew I couldn't possibly keep it quiet here, as I expect a lot of ups and downs in the next few days/weeks as we start the whirlwind of testing to see if this might finally be our healthy, sticking, growing baby.

So far I am encouraged by the lack of signs that my period is coming and the persistent nausea and sore boobs and gas and fatigue. I am proceeding with cautious optimism, and feeling good that in 8-14 hours I've gone from faint lines to clear positives. I'll give you an exceedingly blurry pictorial in a moment. I will probably take more tests over the next few days, but it seems clear that hcg is on the rise. My cramps are very similar to my first pregnancy, which is something of a relief.

Vital statistics:
-EDD is 01-09-10 (at the moment)
-I will call on Friday when I have officially missed a period and ask my mw to schedule the beta series. I currently anticipate beta draws on Monday and Wednesday and possibly Friday. It is possible she will draw on Friday afternoon though. I'll certainly keep everyone updated. I generally receive the results the day following the draw.
-If all goes well with the betas (and really, also if it doesn't), I anticipate an u/s between 6 and 7 weeks. It's possible I will have 2 - one as soon as hcg is over 1500 to verify intrauterine pregnancy and one after 6/7 weeks to look for a heartbeat. I would prefer one late enough to see a heartbeat, but am already nervous either way.
-I will make more public declarations/updates as things look better.
-DH is thrilled and has kept me happy and laughing, even when I'm flapping around like a crazed chicken. If I can remember half the nonsense he's spouted, I'll report it.

And some pics, very very blurry pics because my camera is seriously old, but enjoy:

Frankly, the fact that I got the test in advance of a period, and that they are getting darker so quickly already puts us way ahead of where we started the last one, so I'm feeling good.

Can you keep a secret?

I won't tell you if you can't.

And I'm very serious. I want to talk about this here, but I don't want to talk about it everywhere.

If you can't keep it quiet, then don't read further and maybe don't check back for a couple of weeks.







I got a positive test last night.

I'll give you a moment to squeal, gasp, cheer, or nod sagely.

Back with me again? Great!

It was a Target brand. It was a blue line, very faint, but there. I stared at it for hours. Of course, this was necessitated by the fact that that the other two tests were negative. Hrm. And of course, blue due tests can be less reliable.

I was cautiously optimistic, and hoped that it would be positive all around this morning. I had determined not to take my temp this morning, because I was concerned about a drop and a freakout.

Then came the storm. Massive storm that sat on top of us for about 3 hours. It woke us up with a bolt of lightning and clap of thunder that rattled the windows about 4 am. I couldn't really get back to sleep - the continuing storm, the anticipation, the nerves, I don't know. I dozed, but I gave in about 4:45 and took my temp. It was 97.9 - which adjusts to 98.07. I finally got up and peed in a cup and returned to bed and dozed until normal temp time of 5:30. I then temped again and it was 98.1. Granted, I'd gotten up and moved around, but it was in line with the other temps, so I recorded it as 98.1.

Finally came downstairs (hoping to find work was closed - alas no such luck), and brought my trusty cup of pee in hand. Took the FRER and waited with held breath and . . . there was a shadow of a line, but not pink and not really there without twisting and turning. Humph. Took a digital, knowing the outcome. And sure enough - Not Pregnant. The internet cheapie had what I thought was a faint line, but I wasn't sure.


Watched the rain and news coverage, realized we are pretty much flooded in. Our immediate area is ok, but our alternate route to work is blocked by flooding and the main route has high water on the highway and the traffic is backed up and the drive time is over an hour to get about halfway there. And there is no way around it. So we sat and waited (this has caused drama and anger with DH's boss, but whatever). BTW, Dh agreed the Target test was a positive and agreed he saw the line on the cheapie.

Eventually I went to shower and decided that since it had been 4 hours since the last test, I'd give it another go before we left. So I did and this time - faint but pink line on FRER. It's super faint, but it's definitely there. And a clear light pink line on the cheapie.

I expect a digital to tell me good things tonight or tomorrow morning.

I think I'm knocked up, y'all. I'm sort of in shock and actually pretty happy about things. Though definitely scared and afraid of what will happen next. I am asking everyone to keep it to themselves. I'm not hiding it - obviously, or I wouldn't post it on a public blog that is linked to public places - but I am not ready to come out about it. Until we see an u/s with a heartbeat, I intend to be pretty low key. I ask everyone to respect that, and appreciate any good thoughts for a healthy, sticking, growing baby.

This is wild. I am all kinds of crampy, but my nausea is ever present and my boobs are terribly sore. I love it.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Bated breath.

I feel like I am walking around as a giant ball of tension.

Tense going to bed last night.

Tense when the alarm went off this morning.

Wildly beating heart, fast breathing, just saying over and over "Please be high, please be high, please be high, please be high."

97.7 - a .3 drop from yesterday's lovely 98.0, but still pretty high, all things considered. The question now is whether or not it will drop tomorrow or recover to a higher temp. Oddly, this cycles temps are closely mirroring Chickadee cycle's temps. Same on 5 and 6 dpo, then .1 higher every day since. Crazy. If the pattern holds, it goes back up tomorrow.

This is why I don't like to continue temping post-confirmed-O. I get really obsessive. A .3 drop is not much at all, and in fact, if tomorrow's temp is as high or higher, the chart is officially triphasic. But I was still disappointed and a little sad. But temps will fluctuate from day to day. Individual temps on their own don't mean much.

I think the uncertainty of my lp is getting to me as well. Normally it's 12 days. I can count on one hand the number of times it has been more or less (excluding pregnancy). Normally, lp doesn't vary by more than a day in a particular woman. However, last cycle was abnormally short at just 9 days. So if that continues, my period could be here tomorrow. Other than some very minor cramping, there are no real signs of a period and my boobs are still sore and I'm still nauseated and all that jazz. But it could be here any time this week. So I sort of feel like I'm racing myself to get a positive test first - even though that is ridiculous because either an embryo implants or it doesn't.

I just feel so nervous and it is making me unhappy, but it's hard not to focus on it. I am trying. I read a new book yesterday and resume knitting on the baby blanket I started for Chickadee. Washed the car, cleaned a bit, researched life insurance policies. But I keep coming back to it.

I am so tired of this nonsense.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Weekend Update

Ahhhh, memories of when I used to watch SNL . . . Norm MacDonald will probably always be my favorite.

Anyway, to the more pressing and relevant issues of my uterus and any possible contents of said uterus.

Dunno. It's still too early at 8 dpo to say much. My boobs are sore, even after going braless as I have for much of the weekend. Normal for this point, though. If it persists for the next couple of days onward, that is a possible sign. Normally as progesterone decreases (as in a non-pregnancy cycle) the soreness goes away.

Ummmm, nausea still there. Everytime I think it's gotten better, I have a moment like this morning where it floods over me. That sucked, especially as I was eating a lovely breakfast my husband made just for me. But blech. Still haven't taken my vitamins because I felt so icky.

Let's see. Other than that, my temp jumped up this morning to 98.0. This is significant because I don't generally see temps that high. I don't want to say never ever, because in the last four years, I haven't charted beyond confirmed ovulation. But before that I did (so about 2 years) and I can say that barring fever or pregnancy, I don't generally see temps in that range. True enough for Chickadee and the ectopic, anyway. It makes me excited but also a little leery, because I'm scared of another loss or ectopic, but for now . . . I'm feeling hopeful.

In total phantom symptoms, fishing territory - twingey, light cramps yesterday that since went away and a perceived uptick in frequency of urination. But either of those could be attributable to several things, so I'll just throw that out there for grins.

I'm also feeling headachey. I SO wish I could have Advil right now. Other than the above, not much to say. If my temp stays high tomorrow, I may take a test, but given that it is 9 dpo. . . it would be pretty early.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Sigh. One of those days.

It feels like I can't quite get it right.

Nothing really bad, nothing dramatic. Just . . . not quite right.

It's like I have trouble expressing myself, I feel I offend where I don't mean to do so, I feel like I can't get across what I want.

Just that sort of thing.

Oh, and the nausea that was ok earlier. Dear Lord, back with a vengeance. It's really, really bad. It's closing my eyes, gulping hard and swallowing down the bile bad. I wish I could really believe these things are signs. Part of me is beyond hopeful, and the rest of me is scared of that. Frustrating.

"Just relax!" (and teensy update)

Oh, those infamous words.

Oh, those awful, blind rage inducing words.

It's something said to women ttc all the time. Just relax - it can take some time. Just relax - it can be a long ride if you're this worked up. Just relax - we didn't do anything special for any of my pregnancies. Just relax - it'll happen when it's mean to happen. Just relax - all this tension can't be good for you. Just relax - you'll stress yourself out and stress can delay ovulation you know.

Well, sometimes that is true, but UGH. UGH. How hideous to be told that. I hated it at cycle 2. I hated it after the miscarriage. I hate much more now that I spend time with women facing IF. I'm not necesarrily there yet myself, but I hover on the edge.

What an awful and stupid thing to say to someone having trouble getting (or staying) pregnant. Usually, relaxation isn't the issue. Low sperm count, late ovulation, PCOS, bad cm, genetic issues, structural issues are the issues in many cases. All the relaxation in the world won't help if my eggs are bad. And nothing jacks up my stress a notch like being told to be calm and relaxed about something.

And yet - I just got to hear that the other day. I think it was among the first times I've heard it. The comment was well-intentioned, and may have been the only things stopping me from flipping out. As it was, it was bad enough, having begun "Well, none of my four pregnancies were planned . . ." - talk about a knife in the heart. If none of them were planned, than how can you begin to have any idea about how much this hurts me? Month after month of no-go (and granted, I'm still on the short side of long-term on that front) and two pregnancy losses of planned pregnancies. Not that any pregnancy loss is worse than another - of course not! - but the knife just twisted with that. I had to stop and take a few deep breaths before I could smile and gently say "Thanks, but yeah - I don't think relaxing is going to help in my situation. Like I said, I'm just feeling down today."

I still had visions of throttling her.

Because really? Apart from my own insanity and lack of an off switch for the worry button, how exactly does one relax when one is facing their life's dream and learns he/she may not be able to get there after all, and with no explanation as to why, when it happens so easily and accidentally for so many other people?

I realize a lot of the pressure I feel is self-inflicted. I do what I can to minimize it and some days are more successful than others. Relaxation only sets my mind whirring faster - active meditation can help, but I don't do that as often as I should (like exercise).

Although, I must say, I've been flagrantly abusing the notion to get dh to do stuff for me. Like - "Can I have a drink please?"
"Can't you get it yourself?"
"I could. But I'm supposed to be RELAXING. Remember? That's how you get pregnant."
"Hmmm. So we really DIDN'T need to have all that sex then?"

Touche, DH. Touche.

(I did get the drink. Because my husband is really nice like that.)

* * * * *

eta -

Temp was 97.6. I was a little disappointed it was not higher (though it's too early to show anything like a triphasic chart), but I was relieved it hadn't dropped (as it has in other cycles around this point). Then I looked at my chart overlay and I am dead on for where it was with Chickadee - in fact the last two temps have been the same. I had a tri-phasic chart that started on 8 dpo with Chickadee, so maybe we'll see it again. . .

Nausea is not as bad as the past 2 days, but it is there. What else? Mmmmm, not much, really. Sore boobs (very sore, actually, I feel a bit disgruntled by that) and odd cervix - it's hanging at medium position and medium to soft texture. Hmmmmmmm.

Why yes, it is a lovely fishing pole, isn't it? And I've brought good bait too!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

This nausea? Can bite me.

I've been having random bouts of nausea and queasiness since the last 2ww.

I have chalked it up to random things - some stress, some hormones, the vitex.

The last two days, as in today and yesterday, it's been getting much worse. Basically - yesterday morning, on the drive in, I was so close to vomiting (and getting sweaty and anxious as I hate that feeling) that I was doing calculations about whether it would be better to throw up on my lap and the steering wheel or turn my head and throw up on my husband, because I'd likely get most of it in the console.

I kid you not. That's why I missed our normal exit. I did a lot of deep breathing and gulping back.

It went away, with a few more minor moments of nausea.

Today - four times already, I've had the bile-rising, queasy, gulpy, sweaty, where the hell is the trashcan feeling.

I can't think of any change in my diet (except I've had sausage the last two nights. . .) or routine or anything that could be contributing. I otherwise feel fine. No shaking, no vomiting, no diarrhea, no fever, no dizziness. . . just fatigue, and I went to bed a little too late and didn't sleep well, so that's hardly surprising.

So what gives? Cumulation of vitex? Coincidence? Oncoming flu? What? It's too early to be pregnancy related, right? Even though two of my friends (Hi Babs! Hi Heather!) will tell you they both experienced nausea and vomiting as early as 6/7 dpo . . . I'm at 5 (unless I ovulated on cd 24 instead of 26, which is possible, I guess, but unlikely). That's too early.


I know, I know. Fishing.

But I'd like an explanation, and I'd like it to be pregnancy, because there is little in the world I hate more than feeling like I'm going to throw up. This blows.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Nothing much to report.

Things are . . . fine.

Work is fine, house is fine, dog and cat are fine, dh is fine, I am fine. . . all is well.

No symptoms to speak of at this point (obviously - it's 4 dpo). Nausea that has plagued me off and on since the last 2ww made a vengeful reappearance this morning that had me gulping back the bile so I didn't throw up on dh. Which made me miss our exit and have to u-turn to get to work. Boobs had random lightening shot of pain and then some residual ache that has disappeared since bra removal. That's it, really.

Today I feel hopeful about our chances. Tomorrow may be totally different, but for now, yeah. Feeling good.

That's really it! How boring and lame! Fortunately (or not, depending on whether you read during the crazy times or not, and no, I'm not certain when it's not crazy), more symptoms should be cropping up soon and we'll be headed into the tension territory - where there are signs to analyze and you know it's possible for implantation to be occuring and for a very early, very faint line to show up . . . and then we'll have some real fun.

My temps so far have been VERY pretty - 97.6 this morning. So I'm really debating about how long I intend to temp. The plan was originally to go through the week and quit. I think I'll be less stressed out if we stuck to that. But I want to know if it's going up and possibly becoming tri-phasic or whatnot. But I don't want to know if it's going to stall out or drop back down.

Sort of like -I'd love to take this pregnancy test if you can guarantee me that it will be positive. Sadly impossible, but oh, a working crystal ball would make this all much easier.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


What's that spell?


Who's obsessive?


I just spent an hour staring at my chart.

It's nice and all, but for real?

Also worth noting? I am the only person entering data. I can see why other people might occasionally refresh my chart and check it out or whatnot. But me? Dude, I can promise myself it hasn't changed since I last entered something. Does that stop me? Nope.

I asked a group of friends for an intervention. One of them responded that it may be naive, but she thinks I have to pregnant with all the boot knocking we did. The problem is while I logically know that's not true, emotionally, I feel like it should be. I know people who have gotten pregnant from a single act of intercourse days before ovulation. But I never believe that will work for me. In fact, I'm sort of mad about one of the two nights we took off, because it ended up being the night before ovulation. Never mind the SIX acts of sex prior to that (the other 5 are definitely in the labratory long-shot category), or the sex on the day of ovulation or the day after. Nope, I'm fixated on the day we missed.

Emotionally, I feel like we have more than paid our dues, and yet logically I know it doesn't really increase or decrease our odds. I know it'll happen if it's meant to or it won't happen. But it doesn't matter when the crazy side takes over. I can't turn it off. There is no off switch. It's just there and the panic, paranoia, fear, hope, agony, joy, anticipation and everything rush forward and there it is.

I hope it's soon. I don't know if it is. I can't control it. I can only hope and hope and I haven't been getting along lately.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Sex has become a threat in my household.

Seriously. We have both threatened each other with having sex in mock fights today. DH said that he was going to photoshop my head onto Mohammed Ali's body (for reasons I still don't understand) and I told him if he did that, then it was over and we would be having sex tonight, damn it.

He said something similar when I said I didn't want to go for a walk tonight.

We've both collapsed in fits of laughter, but uh, yeah. That's probably not a good sign for our love life. lol

All right then, what do you think?

So my temp went up again this morning to 97.3.

One more temp above 96.9 will give me crosshairs on FF.

I was feeling good. Cervix seemed to have moved down the last two days (sex was not as much fun last night, because of that issue and the position we were utilizing). This morning there was some wet fluid, but it seemed like watery/creamy fluid or leftover cm.

Went to the bathroom a little while ago and same sort of thing. Except the cervix was high and open. Maybe medium open, but definitely open.

I am going to bash my head in. I can't take this - I need to have ovulated already. I know cervical position is a secondary indicatory of fertility (for this reason) and that it can change throughout the day . . . but come on. Oh, and for added fun, there was some ewcm up near my cervix. Very little though.

So that's probably just a fluke right? It's probably just taking awhile to come down, right? Or my temp wouldn't have been in a standard post-O temp range (and made it so that unless my temp takes a huge drop down tomorrow, over half a degree, then I have a clear ovulation pattern), right?

Here's my chart, for grins:

Take the ovulation poll. Tell me I'm not insane and that we really can stop having sex, because I am so freaking over it. I care less about pregnancy at this moment than I do about being nearly done with this cycle.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Feeling hopeful

As evidenced by the purchase of fresh pineapple. Now, to be fair, it was pineapple on sale (already sliced and cored for me - with core retained) or grapes. And grapes don't get eaten much round here.

What does this have to do with anything?

Well, according to internet rumors and my friend Blair, pineapple (specifically the core) may help with implantation in small amounts. Fresh pineapple (and especially the core) contain selenium and bromalin (spelling may be off, as I've seen it six different ways and am lazy). These are supposed to help with a healthy uterine lining and act as an anti-inflammatory which promotes healthy blood circulation to the uterus and lining, respectively.

Does it help? Meh, who knows. It does require the effort of eating the core, which is. . . um. . . not great. And fresh pineapple can be particularly acidic, which can burn your mouth. From what I can tell, it is considered most effective if eaten between ovulation and implantation, 1-5 or 7 dpo, to be exact.

So I ate some tonight. Mostly because I was hungry, and it's fresh and needs to be eaten soon, and was ready to go, but also because I'm feeling hopeful that ovulation has occurred. Fingers are crossed, with very little cm today, more solid cervix and no + opk. And because we are done for this cycle after today, any way you cut it.

But hell, if all else fails, then preventing scurvy can't be bad.

I don't get it.

Yesterday I had a clearly positive opk on FR. And a not-quite-sure-it's-so-dark-but maybe-not-quite-but-well-yeah-maybe-so-anyhow internet cheapie. And a negative digital that was just a tad away from being positive.

I wondered if I was on the tail end of a surge (which would make sense, as I've seen that digital before). So this morning, I rush downstairs when I get up at 11 to test my theory. Granted, lh surges in the morning, so maybe it wouldn't be synthesized fully, but meh, I can test again later.

GLARINGLY positive FR. The test line is darker than the control and formed instantly. Glaring negatives on the other two. That's twice this cycle that's happened.

I think with all the downsides, I won't use FR anymore. I got quite a few positives and near positives that weren't backed up by ovulation or by other brands of opk's. Sadness, as I LURVE FRER pregnancy tests - they are the bestest.

Anyhow, temp went up to 97.1 this morning, though it's close to being sketchy, as I went to bed at 2 am and temp at 5:30. That's just barely the required 3 hours of sleep and it was sort of frenetic sleep. But it would mesh with other signs, so I'll just keep watching today. So far, cm is greatly reduced (creamy, but there is a tiny bit of ewcm in/near my cervix), and cervix is still high and open, but more firm at this point and whatnot. Hope the signs continue to decrease and my temp stays up (and climbs) tomorrow. I think I may be devastated if that doesn't happen.

But for now, I'm eating cookies for breakfast and then we're FINALLY going to the grocery store (but only buying a wee bit of food as we are poor until DH gets paid again Friday). Still, fresh fruit and everything, YUM.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

And to top it off

A positive OPK.

On FR anyway. The digital was negative, but the lines on the stick were awfully close to positive. The internet cheapie was just shy of positive (a shade to light to be positive). Maybe positives tomorrow then. When I checked last, ewcm and high soft cervix.

I'm so fucking tired of this all.

Still nothing.

Temp went down to 96.8.

Fertility signs not as apparent as yesterday - ie, might be drying up - but still wet fluid and high (if not soft) cervix.

I'm so done. I'm so pissed. I'm so sad. It is playing out almost exactly like last September did. Anovulatory with tons of ewcm and sex and nada. Then an ovulatory cycle in which I got pregnant and lost the baby.

I am fucking terrified it's happening again. To the point that I am deliberating on whether or not we want to keep trying or take a break for a few cycles. I don't think I could do that, but trying again after an anovulatory cycle scares me more than trying early after the methotrexate did.

The amount of self-loathing I feel right now is incredible. A part of me is standing back and watching the rest of me and is shocked by the thoughts I've been having. All I can come up with is that this whole thing is my body fucking up again. One giant fuck up. And it's all probably due to the fact that I am so fat. And because of that, I just keep screaming inside my head. It's awful.

I hate myself so much right now. This is something that is so easy for most of the world that they don't ever think about half the stuff I'm doing to try and get pregnant. They don't have to worry about m/c in the way I do, or about how many tests and procedures will be done before I'm even 8 weeks pregnant. Why is this so fucking hard for me?

All I've wanted with certainty in my life was to be a mother. It's the one thing I've been absolutely sure of and the one thing that has been a constant desire. And it's been snatched away from me twice now. I want to scream and cry and shout my anger at the universe. I can't, so I guess I hate myself instead. And in the end, it's my failure anyway.

June will be here in 6 weeks. I never once thought after losing Chickadee that I might not be in a well established, healthy pregnancy by the point I came to the edd. I figured it would be a tough day, but that I would be able to take comfort in looking forward to the new baby that was growing in me. And now. . . nothing. I don't know if I'll have another chance.

There are times I am so seethingly jealous of my friends. I was the first in a large number of people to lose their baby, and I'm the only one who is not pregnant with a healthy baby again. There are moments I just want to sob in despair at everything.

I can't handle much more of this.

Following this mini-breakdown and some tears and wailing, DH and I have talked and we have a plan.

We've had sex today and we'll have sex tomorrow and then we are done. It is possible that I ovulated yesterday or the day before and this is a low temp (in fact, it's right on the coverline if I ovulated in the past 2 days). Since we didn't have sex last night, today and tomorrow will ensure high probability of conception if I have ovulated between cd24 and cd 27. If I have not, well, that is one hell of a late ovulation and that is what I am avoiding. If it's anovulatory, then all the sex in the world doesn't matter and I want sex to be solely about enjoyment, shared pleasure and fun and love and while the act itself has been enjoyable, these last few times, that's about it. We need a break.

We'll deal with a possible anovulatory cycle and it's aftermath when we get there and not today.

We ordered lunch and dinner and it should be delivered soon and we may go see State of Play, as we've both wanted to see it.

I took a long, hot shower and washed my hair (which I haven't done since last weekend - it's not as gross as it sounds as I only wash it twice a week anyway and this week was testing the theory that baby powder would eliminate excess oil, and it worked) and shaved and I feel about a thousand times better than I did earlier. Amazing how cleanliness can improve one's outlook on life.

I have a wonderful, supportive, loving husband who is willing to not only put up with the crazy, but embrace it and hold me and bring me back from the ledge and I am eternally grateful for that.

Friday, April 17, 2009

A night off

And well earned, I should think.

Though it actually pains me, as I had overwhelming amounts of eggwhite fluid dripping out of me today. Like, really pains me. DH promised we'd have sex tomorrow morning though, and honestly, we're both so tired after this week, it's for the best.

It was a shit week, for the most part. Busy and then bad at work (lame) and fatigue, nightmares and mood swings at home. And all the fucking sex.

So woooo! None tonight and hopefully just once this weekend. Hopefully a temp jump tomorrow will make clear ovulation (possibly yesterday with a nice temp jump, but really, with all the fluid and high cervix, I find it hard to believe), and we can go back to ignoring each other again.

No, we don't really ignore each other, but I have to admit, this week my fantasies have centered more on that than on sexy times. I'm so hard to please.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Make that 11 times in 12 days

Indeed, a new record has been set.

I am currently basking in post-coital contentment and wondering if I can somehow convince DH to go twice tomorrow or Saturday so we can catch up for an even 14 times in 14 days.

Regardless, we are now in three month territory. Astounding.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

10 Times In 11 Days

I think the title pretty much covers it.

For the love of God, please let me ovulate soon.

But, on the bright side, damn, in the past year, we've really gotten good at sex. Quick sex, long sex, what works, what doesn't - took us awhile, but after 2.5 years of marriage (it's now at 3.5 years), we really started to click and now we just rock it.

Nevertheless, two months worth of sex crammed into under two weeks time is a bit much for me. I think tomorrow will be a necessary break. Little did I think when we set a new record at 5 times in a row, we'd match it 6 days later.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Tales from the bedroom

Because Penthouse letters, this ain't.

Things heard around my bedroom in the last few days (I'll leave the context for your imagination):

-"Dude, it's been 6 minutes. I thought you said this would be fast."

-"My cross is choking me." "Damn. That's a sign that the Baby Jesus doesn't want us to do this." Pause. "It could also be a sign that if we proceed, we'll get knocked up with the Anti-Christ." "Shut up. That is not even possible." "How do you know?" Pause. "Oh well, at least we'd be rich."

-"Let's just get this over with." Pause. *singing* "It's not so bad, you're only the best I've ever had."

- *mumbled voices outside, heard mid-erm, activities, we freeze* "You can't see anything from outside can you?" "No, of course not. I don't think. It's ok, it's only John and he's gay anyway."

-"Well, if romance is gone, at least our sense of humor is intact."

-"Oh shit!" THUD. *uncontrollable giggling* "Baby, are you ok? Did you seriously just fall off the bed?" "Shut it."

- *slip into slinky, sexy blue lingerie he's never seen before* "What is that?" "What? I'm trying to be sexy. God. There truly is no romance left, is there?" "Whatever, it's pretty. You look nice." Five minutes later. "Ok, fine, you're right, this is ridiculous. I'm taking it off now. Happy?" *throw ridiculously uncomfortable lingerie at DH* "What the hell? I'm not wearing it!"

At least it's been entertaining!

I feel tired.

Just in general. Physically, emotionally. Tired, drained. I'm having another 'my best doesn't seem to be good enough' days and they suck.

I hope I ovulated. I have no idea whether or not I did. I'm debating about dinner and how we want to deal with it, given our lack of groceries. Inexpensively would be good, but I just don't feel like I have the energy to go to the store tonight (maybe tomorrow?).

Le sigh.

I feel like I'm losing my tenuous grip on sanity with my dogged devotion to getting knocked up. What if it doesn't happen this cycle? Will I go insane? What if it does and I miscarry again? Will I lose it entirely? The questions are beginning to swirl again and I can't find an off button. How exhausting.

Monday, April 13, 2009


I have a copious amount of ewcm. My cervix is high and fertile.

We'll take 'Oh, dear God, more sex? For reals?' for $1000, Alex.


And in the end, we bitched and moaned and I swore DH could have tomorrow off, but I lied, since I'll drag him back up there and tie him down if I'm dripping eggwhite fluid tomorrow like I ended up doing tonight.

But for all the complaining and jokey fights about whose private parts are more sore and worn out, the sex is pretty good once we get going. I will say that ttc has forced us to practice more, and as they say, practice makes perfect!


I just summarized my current situation and it made me laugh.

I am either 2, 3, 5, or 6 dpo


Nowhere near ovulation.

Seriously, how's that for a window? lolz


I got nothing to share.

FF says I ovulated on cd18, which makes me 3dpo today.

Unless I change it to the FAM detector, which says no ovulation. And I don't blame it, because seriously, I can't really say I ovulated either. I mean - not temps wise. It's either a remarkably slow rise with the world's lowest coverline (in fact, only three of my 12 pre-O temps are below the coverline, which makes it not right, imo).

Now, if I have higher temps tomorrow and the next day - that means that FAM will detect ovulation, at cd19. And if I have those and discard my super-low-throwing-everything-off temp at cd18, and go back to the regular FF dectector, ovulation gets moved back to cd16, which would make me 5dpo today.

And of course, there is the possibility that the reason I am not having fertility signs is not because I ovulated, but because my body called it off and went into hiatus.

So . . . how do I know when to pee on a stick then?

SUCK. I may just actually have to wait. Which. . . suck! My addiction is thwarted!

Seriously, minus the temps, I will place ovulation on cd17, personally. The ewcm I'm recording was a glob late in the evening, after an entire day of creamy cm. I wish I knew what was going on. I am going to continue checking for fluid and see what happens - there may have been some ewcm today, but honestly, I think it was leftover semen. I'll keep checking. The cervix may be more open, but it's not the clear, high, distinct open that it was last week. My boobs are sore again. Which - if I were 5 dpo would not be abnormal. If I am yet to ovulate, not abnormal.

It's just weird. I feel like such a newb, but I take comfort in the other expert charters (and I feel like I know my way around a chart after 6 years - which is why I don't trust ff in the first place) being as baffled as I am.

But seriously - I have two questions remaining - when can I pee on a stick and get a reliable answer and when can I stop having sex? 7x in 8 days is enough. We are TIRED of having sex (yeah, yeah, the irony of my bitching about this after a week, when I bitched for months about not having sex. Bite me.) and ready for a break.

Saturday, April 11, 2009


Or is it OPK fail? Or vitex fail?


So here is the bottom line.

All fertility signs point to ovulation on cd 17 (which was Thursday). On Thursday, cm starting drying up, mood swings stopped, breasts were no longer sensitive/tender, cervix hardened and dropped some, the pain I targeted as ovulation pain was gone, on and on, world without end, amen. I really expected to see a high temp yesterday morning. But no. A drop actually, to 96.6. I briefly wondered if it was because we'd turned the AC back on and the temp was low and I woke without covers . . . you can see where this is going. But since the temp wasn't dramatically different than previous nights and I often wake without covers, I snapped myself back to reality and figured I'd see more signs of fertility.

Only I didn't. Creamy fluid - occasionally bordering on watery, but most often ending at milky, cervix remained medium level and firmness and opening, and things continued to support my theory. I said to myself - ok then. Temp will go in the morning, and then bam, you'll be right.

Only, again - temp didn't rise to post-o levels. Sigh.

So far, the song remains the same. No real fertility sign yet, no clue what is going on. Vitex can work for as little as 10 days - and that was Thursday. Perhaps it's blocking excess estrogen already and that is why fertility signs are nil - because I wasn't really anywhere near ovulation, I just had lots of excess estrogen about. Which makes me wonder, if that is true, what is going on with my body in relation to the vitex. I was hoping for an earlier ovulation, even at cd 18. I figured that was a bit much to hope for, but meh. I also hope to win the lottery. Aim big. So it's hard to understand what is happening, if it's possibly working. Bothersome.

And then there is the opk dilemma. I've been using primarily FR, as I got a box of 7 and a box of 20 as part of my pregnancy test purchases. I have been getting faint lines for awhile, with the random darker but not positive line. Today? Positive, or the next thing to it. So I try out a cheapie brand - and there is barely a second line. Same for the glaringly negative digital.

What the hell? The box is nowhere near expiration yet, and I've tried to be careful to reseal the pouch, but maybe I didn't? BAH. I have read that taking vitex, because it works to increase lh, can make opks useless, but I also read about women using them successfully. I figured, because of the potential increase, that it would make more opk's appear positive, not that you wouldn't pick up a surge (that is why women with PCOS frequently can't use opk's). If two other brands are not backing up this reading, then I have to assume the fault is not with the two brands I've successfully used in the past so much as with the new brand, yeah?

And again - I don't know what's going on. No fertility signs at all. It's sort of like the hurricane, when I couldn't temp. I was pretty certain I'd ovulated, but no way to confirm. Only now the confirmation is available, just not giving me what I want. I suppose now we simply proceed to continue having sex and watching until either this picks up again, becomes anovulatory, or proof of ovulation is acheived. Frustrating.

And scary. Because I realized that with Chickadee, not only did I ovulate late -cd 25 - it was a fake cycle. The previous cycle was anovulatory, and the bleeding that marked a new cycle was not a real period. Therefore, I didn't really ovulate on cd 25 so much as cd 58. That is a very late ovulation, and very well could have been the issue. And the ectopic was an ovulation on cd 35, within normal timeframe when you take all the bleeding from the miscarriage into account, but still pretty late. I'm afraid of a recurrence of that scenario and the same outcome. This is worrisome. And I'm not sure what to do other than what I am doing right now, which is not reassuring and doesn't feel like enough.

Friday, April 10, 2009

I have a hole in my jeans.

Right at the juncture between ass and inner thigh, this old pair has worn through and I didn't notice until just now in the bathroom, when I realized I can see the floor.

Fortunately, you can't see it until you are staring pretty hard at my ass when I walked.

Unfortunately, I don't think today was the best day to pick for going commando after all.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

And a new record was set!

5 days in a row.

Even on our honeymoon we haven't managed that.

Granted, on our honeymoon, we foolishly stayed in town so we still had tons of family and friends visiting and we were running like mad trying to squeeze in time with everyone. I wouldn't change that for the world - truly! - but holy cow. Between that, and the bed being too soft (there is in fact, such a thing), I didn't sleep. And given the pre-wedding jitters, I didn't sleep for like, 5 days. It's own record!

But while I thought I had ovulated early this morning (too early to see a temp shift), I may have been wrong. It's a mixed bag of symptoms. Until late this evening, no cramping or ovulation pain at all (after a LOT last night, mostly on the right side). My breasts were not sore any longer. My skin was not nearly as oily (at least until tonight - still need to wash my face). No mood swings, which was fantastic, seriously. My cervix was lower and a lot more firm, but still open. Weird. Cervical fluid was all over the place - watery this morning, then creamy all day, then watery with some eggwhite this evening. Have had several lines on opk's but no positive at all.

So I don't know what is happening. I was feeling really tired of sex earlier, but when I saw the eggwhite fluid and realized I really may not have ovulated after all (oh, I hope I did, because it was SUCH a nice looking chart), I asked DH if he was up for it. He was tired and half-asleep but seemed willing.

So away we went. And it was good.

Now I just need to see a nice temp in the morning or the day after . . . cause I dunno about breaking this record any time soon.

* * * *
ETA - no temp jump this morning. Dunno what's happening! We'll see, I suppose . . . I'm still hopeful that I will ovulate shortly and we will be in business. I really don't know how long this streak can extend. . .

Sometimes, things just go bad.

I've hesitated to write much about this, because I know some people may see it and I wasn't sure if I wanted them to see it.

But since I don't think they'll be offended, and since I do think they'll tell me if they are . . . here goes.

I've been part of a message board for over 5 years now. A group of women who all planned their weddings at the same time. There is a long story there, but suffice to say after much drama, we found our way to our own little space and carved it out, long ago. As with any group (ours has been about 15-20 people, depending on the era), there are highs and lows. As with any group of disparate people brought together by tenuous links, people have grown apart and interests have changed.

These women are women I consider very good friends, women I feel I can rely on through whatever happens to me and for whom I would drop a lot to try and be as supportive as I can be from miles away. We've seen each other through marriages, through separations, through job loss, job change, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, new babies, toddler-hood, and tons of other things. People have come and gone - and each loss has been painful. We've had big fights, hurt feelings, and we've also had some of the most awesome exchanges ever - showers from distances, get-togethers when possible, and just some damn funny stuff shared through out the years.

Recently, a couple of people have elected to leave. Through misunderstandings, through life pressures, through personal issues . . . I think a lot of us have had to take a step away at some point or another, you know? I'm having trouble myself some days, with a new baby and four other pregnancies, it's hard for me to be there on a bad day. I don't want to be jealous or negative, I only want to be supportive, and so some days, I don't even open the board.

These losses have made me think. There were some hurt feelings but I can't say I wasn't a tiny bit relieved. In one way, it felt sort of like pretending - the love and affection are not feigned, but there were growing distances. It was a chasm that seemed to keep expanding, despite our efforts to avoid it. It isn't that person, and it isn't me. It's just something in between us.

I think online or irl (though this is my real life - hell, one of these girls was my bridesmaid and one married us - that is irl), sometimes things just happen. People change, people grow, people don't grow. Interests change, focus shifts and suddenly the common ground is gone and you realize . . . affection just isn't enough. There isn't enough room left to build a relationship, and the foundations of the old relationship are crumbling.

It makes me sad. It makes me examine myself and wonder if I could be a better friend (the answer, of course, is yes). But . . . some differences can't be resolved and I think this is one of those cases. If it's better off left at memories, then let's leave it there, rather than keep trying to force it, you know?

So last night

I had weird dreams.

Clearly influenced by the Harry Potter fan-fic I was reading before bed, so I'm not looking for a deeper meaning.

But it involved Harry Potter, a giant creature that is like super-dementor, Death Eaters, and bank robberies and portkeys.

And it all made sense in my head. And it was exciting and intriguing. And I couldn't wait to tell DH about it.

Only, awake, it makes absolutely no goddamned sense. And there is no real order to the sequence of events.

Dreams are weird.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Seriously. The mood swings are going to kill me.

The past three days, I've started off in a good (even great) mood. Drive to work is fine. Morning is fine, possibly even productive. Trip for coffee is filled with laughter.

Lunch rolls around. I eat. Sometimes late. Not today.

And then, sometime between 11:00 and 2:00, my mood begins to change. I begin to feel harried, flustered (even though I've only got regular work on my plate, and no big deadlines or projects and I'm pretty near caught up on everything, with a chance to get ahead). I begin to feel snappish, and irritable.

Shortly thereafter, I begin to get broody. I've brooded over work, over the internets, over my bills, over my house, over my marriage, over my diet, over my wardrobe, over my friends, over my plants - and these things are all fine.

Shortly after that, I start to feel sad and a little weepy.

What the everloving fuck, y'all?

Not. A. Fan.

All I can hope is this is related to an ovulation that will occur soon, because I feel like I'm going insane.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Eh, it's not so bad.

Some Tylenol, some (great) sex, several hours of sleep . . .

Amazing how different the world looks.

And given the ewcm and gaping cervix (how's that image for you? I worked on it for a couple of hours), maybe it really is just hormonal nonsense coupled with crankiness.

Onwards today! Hopefully, it'll be a good one.

* * * * *

And now, I'm back to crappy mood. I want to rip someone's face off. Whether that is just sheer insensitivity that pisses me off or whether that is just a result of wild mood swings and tired crankiness, I can't say.

But I'm extremely irritable now.

Off to check that box on ff.

Oh, and while I have had and seem to be continuing to have a fair amount of clearly ewcm, I found myself thinking today that that isn't unusual for this point, and thinking that maybe nothing will help and I'm doomed to another week of this rollercoaster and had to suppress the urge to burst into tears.

I know the vitex takes time and that I started taking it late. But I am so hopeful it will help that signs of it not helping or working make me feel desperate. I'm sort of hopeful that the lines on the opks (which are early, according to my notes) are a sign that the vitex is in fact increasing lh (sign of it working - the rest sort of dominos from there).

Still. I feel like I would be best represented by being painted in all green and with half-formed sentences and poor pronoun choice - in other words, as a female version of the Hulk. Me Angry! Me Smash Things!

* * * * *

And now, in the evening . . . back to a better mood.

Although I am confused by the opk. The FR was a clear, dark line which made me happy. I thought - ooooo, maybe tomorrow! Then I decided to see how the CBE digital lined up - and it was totally blank. I used a $tree, and it was only the faintest of lines. WTF?

Eh, we'll see tomorrow. We'll have sex tonight, of course, to do what we can. I am still very, very hopeful that I may yet ovulate early. I do now I'll be increasing to 1000 mcg of vitex next month (as the new bottles recommend 1200 mcg, over the 500 I'm currently taking) if this doesn't work this time.

And that is about all there is to say about that.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Highs and lows.

Lovely day. Chilly but gorgeous.

Productive day. Lots of good work done and a truce called between me and my new scanner/printer, allowing me to get more done.

Good hair day. Chocolate muffins from work in honor of my birthday (and no cake to butcher while people watch).

New adapter working on the computer, even while I sit in my chair, meaning we may not have to replace the jack in the laptop very soon.

Feeling excited about possible positive fertility.

And then boom. Crash. Ugh.

DH is unhappy about work. He hates his job. His options boil down to finish his degree or stick tight in what he's doing and suck it up. But he is so unhappy. Absolutely miserable and his self esteem is shot. And I can't fix it. I can't do a single thing to make it better. I hate it.

I'm feeling low. Depressed. Fat. Ugly.

The opk is negative, and not nearly as dark as it was earlier.

We've met with a financial planner to try and help organize our finances, savings and get out of debt and hope to eventually have money and savings and such. It's so depressing. While I thought we were doing pretty well overall, some tiny savings, meeting all our bills and a lot of little extras, with only a mortgage, car payment and single credit card debt that is getting gradually smaller. We felt we could afford a baby and everything. After going over what we should have in savings and how much we should have in life insurance and how much we should be putting aside for retirement every month, I am thoroughly depressed.

It's all so overwhelming right now. I briefly thought that maybe it was hormonal, but I'm sure that's far too reasonable and hopeful.

It's a mess right now.

Yowza - my mind is circling round itself.

Surely this has to be a sign that ovulation is approaching soon, right?

Pain on both sides, not long lasting, but clear, pinchey, and yeesh. It's there. Watery fluid. I was concerned that I might again confuse watery/ewcm and semen, but I had watery cm before DH got home from his trip and there was no leftover semen as of this morning, and last I checked, it was clearly very watery. My cervix is so high that I can't reach it without doing a kegel while I check to push it down - and then it's definitely open, where it wasn't before (maybe it will open more and I'll feel stupid later on?). All signs of fertility, especially combined with the somewhat tender breasts and the skin break out. I'm feeling almost giddy with the hope of an earlier ovulation!

And then I go back and compare my charts . . .

Ah, yes, there is the rub. The ttc charts show something interesting. While my perception was that my cm was in a more 'normal' pattern, turning fertile later than usual, not necessarily. A day or so later than usual, but not much statistically different. And skin break out, while it does happpen near ovulation (and the same with tender boobs) . . . there is actually a lot of that happening. About a week + of it. Just like the extended fertile fluid, just like the cervix opening up and staying open for a long time. And what I said before about my ovulation pain being early? Yes, sort of. But it's also happened as far as over a week in advance, like I gear up, but then ovulation is delayed. And there is that looooooong fertile period.

Now, it feels different to me this time. Like I might actually ovulate soon. The ovulation pain is more crampy and sharp than I seem to have noted in my chart (this seems to usually come before ovulation, whereas what I've recorded as o pain earlier on has been more twingey than this). While I'm still experiencing some pain on both sides, it's stronger and more frequent on the left ovary, suggesting that is becoming the dominant follie (which, if it's true, could mean an ovulation more quickly).

It seems glaringly obvious to me now, but all of these things point to an excess of estrogen. Enough to make the fertility signs appear and stay, but not enough of the other hormones to push ovulation, at least not when it seems it should happen.

Is the vitex helping? Well, it's really too soon to say. I am hopeful. But I can't say for certain, and it is 100% possible (probably even) that my surety of ovulation being near is directly linked to having taken the vitex and willing ovulation to take place soon, hoping something will change and work so I can have a healthy, sticking pregnancy that ends with baby in my arms. It's hard to discount the tons of stories I've read (and now heard from my friends!) that vitex started helping immediately and worked really well for them. One dear heart even pointed out that positive thinking in and of itself has been known to do a great deal (the placebo effect, anyone?), and even feeling more hopeful and positive is a good thing for me.

All I know is that I hope it's soon (I'm privately hoping for on or before cd 18, today being cd 14) but that may be a bit much to hope for. I'm enjoying that my dh is back and that we are able and willing and compelled to have sex again. But I can't deny that my fingers are crossed in anticipation of an opk perhaps turning positive for me. I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope.

Ironic, I'm back to that again, no?

But I do feel pretty good right now, and it's a nice change.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

So apparently my nephew was a planned accident.

DH returned from the funeral services for his grandmother to inform me that his side of the family is woefully under-represented in terms of grandchildren, my BIL and SIL being the only ones to produce any to date.

Many of the extended family expressed their condolences on our pregnancy loss to DH, as they have not seen him to do so previously. Many of them don't know about the ectopic pregnancy. SIL (the one with kids) cornered DH and began asking about our reproductive plans.

I know some people might be bothered by that, but it's no secret we are trying. Anyhow, DH assures her we intend to try again and that we had had to stop due to the ectopic pregnancy (I believe he called it another early miscarriage with issues that made us need to hold). Somehow, the conversation turned to SIL offering DH advice about getting pregnant.

She told him all about getting pregnant with my niece (DH shuddered when recounting it to me and said, "Suffice it to say, I know way, way more about my brother and SIL and their sexual habits than I ever wanted to know."). She then proceeded to tell him all about how BIL didn't particularly want another child at all, let alone then, so she started charting and just neglected to inform him or take birth control.

Holy Mother of Fuck.

That is information that boggles my mind. Who does that (apart from the obvious answer)? And then admits it to her husband's youngest brother? Overshare much?

I can't deny that I will laugh inside my head next time I see that BIL though. Because he's sort of a giant asshole and now I know something he doesn't. Which doesn't make it right, in any way shape or form, just saying.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Oh, for fuck's sake. Don't let your damn dogs out.

Seriously, this is driving me up a wall.

We have a couple of neighbors who have bigger dogs. Bigger dogs frequently have energy that can't be expended in the confines of a 1600 -2000 sq ft townhouse and patio. We all share courtyards. Now these neighbors simply open the door and let their big dogs out to pee/poop and run around.

This is against HOA policy, which requires pets to be leashed at all times. Now, I don't complain, because we like to let Jonah the Doggie go run with them every few days. He has a girlfriend, Zoe, who lives a couple of houses down and they love to play. Zoe knows our house and comes and flings herself at the door and window to get Jonah's attention. She's actually come into our house looking for him and made herself at home. It's sort of cute.

But the problem is that we refuse to let Jonah out unattended. Even if one of the other owners is out there - he is our responsibility and he barely obeys us, he'll flat ignore someone else. These owners just open their front doors and 20-30 minutes later, call them back. Well, Jonah wants to go play. He's attuned to the sounds of the other dogs and he gets frantic when we won't let them out. And he barks to get their attention and he whines and he begs to go out and it's an awful struggle. He's barky when he sees a cat or squirrel that he believes will play with him. But the dogs that actually do play with him and his girlfriend Zoe? OH GOD LET ME OUT PLEASE MOM PLEASE LET ME OUT OH MY GOD HI BUDDY HI THOMAS HI ZOE PLEASE LET ME OUT MOM THEY ARE OUT THERE AND I WANT TO GO PLAY AND HI ZOE PLEASE LET ME PLAY THEY ARE OUTSIDE WITHOUT ME MOM PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

Just like that. Only it aaaalllllllllll in high pitched loud barks that echo echo echo until I want to scream and he doesn't stop until 15 mintues after they've gone inside. We've tried just about everything and very little is helping and I'm starting to investigate bark collars because traditional methods don't help or he thinks they are games. It's embarrassing, because you can hear and see him from anywhere in the courtyard, and because he does it regardless of the hour (and why the fuck are people letting their dogs run for half an hour at midnight?!). Even if he's crated, he barks.

I feel like bark collars are inhumane, but I'm at my wits end. We can't have this when we have kids and I don't want it now. I think the only way to fix this apart from bark collars is to contact the HOA and complain. But that opens the door to people complaining about Barky Von Schnauzer barking at all hours and will probably curtail the running activities that exist. We tried to get approval to have a designated time for dogs to run every other day for an hour (they did during the hurricane and it was great - for the dogs and to promote friendliness with the neighbors), but the crotchety old people voted it down, which was dumb because it clearly happens anyway.

It is driving me nuts and right now poor Jojo is glaring at me unhappily. First, I left him and then I drove his daddy away (because he left without me) and I came home and made him sit in his box for an extra half hour while I ate dinner in front of him. Then I add insult to injury by not letting him try and bark out the glass to get to his friends and I made him go out on the patio until they went away, and he hasn't had a chance to be alone with Zoe since last weekend. I am such a bitch.

Did I mention that these people (and I do like Zoe's owner John a lot, so it's not just bitching about my neighbors) never, ever clean up their dog's poop? While we clean it up immediately? Gross.

Weird stuff that is probably only in my head.

Ovulation pain.

On cd 11. On both sides. Cramping/fullness that comes and goes - not unusual a week or so before ovulation, but this early.

More creamy fluid. Usually I've moved on into watery/fertile fluid. It's definitely getting more wet, but isn't fertile yet. I actually think that's a good sign. 10+ days of fertile fluid is quite tiring. Maybe something is helping to regulate things.

We'll see, I suppose. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but I am feeling good about things right now. I've only been taking the vitex for 4 days, so it's a bit early to attribute anything to that. Nevertheless . . . hell, maybe the green tea is doing something. Who knows?

Other than that, things are ok. DH went home today to attend services for his grandmother. He's holding up pretty well. My mom is coming to visit tomorrow and I am greatly looking forward to it. Only I need to clean up. Guess I should get on that . . .

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


I was about to post a fluffy post on April Fool's Day shenanigans, but as I was typing, I spoke with Dh.

His grandmother passed away this afternoon. It was not wholly unexpected as she had been in declining health for some time and was in an assisted living facility, and from what I understand was not always fully present. Nevertheless, the timing was a shock, as he was unaware of any real complications in her health. She was also his last living grandparent.

He wasn't especially close to her; we lived here and I don't believe he'd even seen her in the past year as our visits home are so short. I only met her once, despite our having been together nearly 8 years, if that gives you any indication.

Funeral arrangements have yet to be determined, but it appears the plans for the weekend (my mom coming up to help celebrate my birthday on Saturday) are scrapped. I don't know yet what we will be doing, but I am desparately hoping to avoid attending the funeral, but will not avoid it at the expense of DH being able to attend.

For now, if you'd say a prayer or send good thoughts for his grandmother and his family, it would be appreciated.