You know what is awesome?

Feeling unwell.

Summer cold, I think. Chest congestion, not feeling well, achiness, fatigue, etc. I was coughing up green stuff this morning and it hurt to take a deep breath. So I said, screw it, I'm staying home.

I was up for a bit and decided to go back to bed. After all, sleep is probably the best medicine, right?

Is this a good time to mention something that you probably never wanted to know? I tend to sleep in the nude. I find it to be far more comfortable.

So you can imagine my horror and the pounding andrenaline rush of fear when I hear a booming voice outside my window.

Scared the fuck out of me.

Turns out, our neighbors are having similar issues to what we are having with their windows - some leaking. It's not clear if this is a guy checking for repairs or an estimate or an insurance claim, but because of the proximity, it sounded like it was right outside my window.

I'm just now beginning to come down from that rush.

And I still feel like shit.

Well, hello cycle 15, 16? 6, 7? I've lost count.

After a promising weekend, things took a dive yesterday afternoon when I started spotting. Naturally after getting what we thought was a positive test on a saveontests.com cassette. Line formed within 2 minutes and was visible and pink-ish.

The spotting actually stopped relatively quickly. We felt sort of hopeful. But alas, this morning's temperature nose-dived and spotting increased overnight and cycle what-the-fuck-ever-it-is has arrived.

And you know what?

It's ok.

Last cycle? Not ok. Definitely not ok.

Cycle before that? Also not ok. It hasn't been ok to be not pregnant in awhile.

But for reasons I cannot possibly explain to you, this time it is. I feel calm, not anxious. I don't feel depressed or sad, just a little disappointed that it didn't work out. I really feel like it will happen when it is meant to happen (and I'm not sure what entity in the universe controls that, but that's a philosophical discussion for another time). There are other things taking up my attention right now. Trying to get more consistent with the exercise (better last cycle, but in no way consistent). I've set a small, and I think achievable, weight loss goal for the next two weeks. And a slightly bigger goal for the next month. DH is helping me patiently with that - to the point of agreeing to weigh me and write it down so I don't know the number, because I think that would lead to obsession.

We are also working to pay down the debt, and frankly, every month more we have to do that is that much better I feel about a pregnancy and the possible complications and a child. I worry a lot about how it will all fit together. I know it will all work itself out, but not quite being able to see how that is stressed me out some. It's slow progress, but it is progress. And that is worth focusing on.

And in some ways, though this is subject to radical change, I kind of think it might be better not to be pregnant when Gabriel's birth date rolls around. I mean, we're not stopping ttc at this point (unless we decide to get short-term disability for me during open enrollment, then we may), but that time might be easier without the stress of a pregnancy on it.

I guess, in many ways, I'm sort of relaxing about it all. I don't know why. I don't know how long this will last. I don't know anything. I'm just sort of . . . hanging out right now. Waiting to see what happens. If anything, and this may be cursing it, I feel pretty good about the upcoming cycle. Like, things are aligning in ways they haven't yet. But if it doesn't work, well, hopefully that will be ok.

But today, I'm happy to go back to drinking 3-4 cups of green tea. I really do enjoy it (w/ Splenda, to be clear. That stuff is nasty by itself!). I cut down to 1-2 cups during the 11-day wait, because of the potential to affect folic acid absorption (on top of the MTHFR absorption issues). In fact, I'm about to go make a cup now.

Cheers. I hope your day finds a warm comforting cup of something, or a good feeling, or a moment of peace.

Week in Review

My goodness I am flipping exhausted.

Let's see. What's happened since I last found time to immortalize my words for the masses?

- Tuesday, I just didn't feel well. Didn't sleep well, I guess. Cats were bugging me throughout the night. Didn't do much Tuesday night.

- Wednesday. Inlaws in town, for one day only! Coming over to the house after a big family dinner!

Nightmare!

I took a halfday from work to go home and clean. They've never seen the place and I wanted it to look nice. I stopped on the way home to buy new towels for the downstairs bathroom (lipstick on a pig, y'all. For real) and a new welcome mat. And lunch. The plan was to go clean furiously after I got home and ate.

What really happened was that after I ate lunch I wanted to sleep. So I laid down for 20 minutes. Next thing I knew I was looking at the clock and realizing I had to go pick up my husband NOW. So I did. Then we furiously worked on the upstairs.

See, here's the thing. We aren't neat people. And we have had clothes strewn around for awhile. And the cats got into a bag of lint we were saving for the garden. And basically, it was a disaster.

Well, we got it all cleaned up. Got all the clothes in the basket or the closet (albeit in a pile, but hey! They fit!). I didn't have time to clean the bathroom, but DH assured me it wouldn't matter, as they wouldn't come upstairs. In the end, between running downstairs and trying to dust quickly and such, I even forgot to put the newly cleaned duvet on the bed and finish making it. Yeah - it was insane.

But it looked as if people lived there relatively neatly. I mean, not magazine perfect, but not a hovel. Dinner went fine, save for some loose tooth drama with my niece. I believe the toothfairy paid her an extraordinarily expense visit (btw - I got quarters for my teeth. She got a $20 bill. I know inflation and all, but holy hell!). Then we trooped back to my house.

The inlaws seemed surprised when they said it was nice. Gratifying. It was late, so they probably couldn't see all the awfulness outside. Or where we've recently discovered the windows are leaking. Fine by me.

The dog was well-behaved and LOVED that there were kids to play with. There were arguments about treats and throwing the ball for the dog. They wanted to see the kitties, so eventually everyone trooped upstairs (to my horror). Then they left. We survived. I'm just hopeful it didn't smell like cat pee. I don't normally think it does (and God knows we Frebreezed the hell out of the house and had fresh potpourri out), but I'm always paranoid I just don't notice it.

* * * * *

In other Wednesday news - the secret is out! My brother has gotten engaged! YAY!

He called to discuss wedding plans (Puerto Rico - which means I will most likely not be attending, unfortunately) as the in-laws were leaving. I can't believe my baby brother is getting married (a year from today, actually). I'm so happy for him.

* * * * *

Thursday -

Work. Have I mentioned we have a puppy at work for the time being? She is 11 weeks old and belongs to my supervisor's boss. She is bringing her in everyday to potty train her until our new division leader begins in a few weeks. She is just so cute. Makes me want a puppy for all of 10 minutes until the repetition of (NO! Get down! Leave it! NO BITE! No whine! GOOD GIRL! GOOD GIRL!) commands makes me want to sleep.

Puppies are exhausting.

Also? Burn Notice! Yay!

Also? Nausea and sore boobs! Not yay! Opposite of yay!

Friday -

That's today. Still exhausted. Perhaps even more so. I was sleeping so well last night, because we put Amber up. So she wasn't trying to eat my hair. Unfortunately, Barney decided to substitute for her. Sigh.

I keep yawning! It's awful! And layout arrangement is tedious and boring. So progress is slow. No one wants to work. There have been quite a few puppy play-times today. Mostly, I think we're all ready for the weekend.

It's hot outside and was rainy earlier this week. Now, it's just sort of . . . steamy. Summer is not my favorite time of year, I think.

But, we're alive and it wasn't a bad week at all. Just . . . long! I'm quite relieved it's almost over. And bonus! Apart from needing to hang up all of the clothes currently piled in the closet and finish cleaning the bathroom - our house is clean!

Not much to say.

Ovulation was confirmed Saturday; I ovulated on cd 27.

Temps have been clear, seem ok. Jumped up high and haven't varied much since.

I was feeling hopeful for most of the weekend, and it begins to wane today, as I look at my chart and think ... "It's good and all, but it's probably not going to happen for us now."

There was some great news this weekend, but I'm sworn to secrecy. Made me quite happy though.

My brother deploys for his second tour in Iraq soon. Fortunately, he'll only be there until October. I sort of wish I was on better terms with God and could pray for his safety, but I feel like asking for that right now would do more harm than good to him.

Summer is officially here, with humid heat pouring down. Sunday was simply nasty; I didn't even want to try to swim because it felt like the water would be too warm. Maybe this week - have to use my new swim cap, right?

Cats are good, dog is good. Husband is good, I am ok.

Just in the waiting zone I guess. There is so much I want to talk about and so little I have to say. It can be roughly summed up thusly:

- I miss my son.
- I want to be pregnant again.
- I have no idea when or if it will happen.
- Tired of getting my hopes up.
- Still have hope my husband will put the laundry away tonight. Not high ones, mind, but hopes, all the same.

Perspective is an odd thing

It occurred to me today that yesterday was June 4.

In the past, that day has marked a couple of things.

It was my parent's anniversary. They were married for nearly 25 years, splitting in 2001, following a lot of changes to my mom after a suicide attempt precipitated by the wrong dosage of anti-depressants.

It was devestating at the time, and some of the repurcusions have been hard. But I think nearly 10 years later, that in a lot of ways, my parents (who still hold each other in high esteem and talk regularly) are happier apart. My dad remarried and loves his wife and step-daughter and my mom has been free to pursue things she would not have done if still married to my dad.

June 4 also marks the due date of our first planned pregnancy - Chickadee. Had that worked out, I'd be busy with a one year old, and Gabriel would never have existed at all.

When we found out there was no viable embryo, I thought I understood pain. I cried and cried and railed at the injustice of it all.

Funny how subsequent events have turned that nearly to a pleasant memory. Not that it was pleasant or happy, not that it wasn't painful and hurtful. It's just impossible to expend any more sadness on that event, given how much is consumed by what followed.

I had forgotten, even.

An odd thing, life. What you remember and learn and take away. Odd how the experiences we have shape us into the people we are. I haven't thought about that lost little soul that I had so dearly loved and anticipated in months. I'm too busy thinking about that lost little person who I long for and love and miss everyday.

A perspective that perhaps I could have done without seeing. I had thought then that it was one of the worst things of my life, ranking up there above my mother's suicide attempt and my husband (then fiance)and his abortive suicide attempt. And perhaps, to that point, it had been.

It's just that it pales in comparison. Regrets are wasted on it now. Better to look ahead and cling to a shredded rag of hope, because the wasteland that marks the path I've already walked is desolate.

A couple of things

1) Temp jumped mightily today. Let's hope it stays up.

2) A friend recently told me she'd had a dream about me that happened at the same time something else did. Coincidence? Probably. But I cannot shake the feeling it's very meaningful.

3) Last night when we were getting ready for bed, DH shut Jonah into his crate and came upstairs to feed the cats. He couldn't find Barnabas, and that is odd, as he usually comes running at mealtime. A search commenced, including under the table and couch and in closets and I finally heard DH laugh loudly.

Barney had apparently settled himself in Jonah's crate for a nap and blended in when DH put up the dog. As they have become good friends, there were no hysterics or disaster, but Barney was relieved to be let out.

4) Today, while working, I went to change a figure from $80 to $100. Easy enough. Then I realized it was split-paid, and our portion was only 91%. I actually reached for my calculator to figure out how much 91% of $100 was.

Then I caught myself and shook my head and put in $91.

Then I realized that the split was being rounded by the formula, and it wasn't 91%, it was actually 90.52%.

So I reached for my calculator again, commenting that I needed the calculator after all, because it was harder.

Then I caught myself again and put my head on my desk and laughed until tears rolled down my face, because I? am not bright.

Well bless my soul!

No idea where the Southern is coming from today, but I've definitely had a yankerin' for some Southern sayin's.

Anyway, the small update for today is that a four day weekend packed with sleeping until 11 or so everyday has definitely restored some of my spirit. And something unexpected happened this weekend: I got a high on the CBEFM. I'd begun to despair of it, as I'd had ewcm and a high cervix but no change on the monitor. I had hoped I might go straight to peak - I know the first cycle can be off as it adjusts to you, and the fact that I am ovulating quite late doesn't help the situation. So it was exciting to see it.

And then lo! A positive opk yesterday! Good thing we went to buy more.

And then lo again! A peak. A Peak! Three filled levels and what my husband referred to as an olive in some confusion! And another positive opk today!

(to spare you, I won't discuss the copious amounts either ewcm or sex that have been occurring)

So. Apparently, things are functioning ok, if late. I even had 2 highs preceding the peak reading. And the opk's back it up, and the ov pain is another little supportive piece.

Presumably, a high temp will show up tomorrow or the next day and then the slow trip to crazy-town begins again. What is different for the moment - and I can guarantee in my best Cajun accent it won't last long - is I feel a bit of optimism.

Bets on how long it lasts? I give it until Saturday, myself.