Well, so much for the OPK's I bought.

So, Thursday, we did not manage to sneak in any sex. This is in no way surprising, since it is something that we have never attempted in my mother's home in 3 years of marriage and nearly 7 years of togetherness. We did have sex on Friday, though my fertility signs led me to believe that I was probably not fertile anymore, we figured it couldn't hurt.

Imagine my surprise when my temp was a standard 97.1 on Saturday (no temp attempted on Friday before waking at an ungodly hour to mix with humanity in an attempt to get a new tv). Huh, I thought. Oh, well. Cycles are often screwy after a miscarriage. I'll just go ahead and buy some opk's then. It should help with the next fertile patch.

Now, you have to understand that I am not a fan of opk's. While they work beautifully for some folks, they can be hard to interpret, can drive one crazy, and do not guarantee ovulation - only that one of the necessary hormones is present in sufficiently high quantities at that given moment. An LH surge can last anywhere from 12 to 48 hours, thus it is possible to miss a surge entirely or get lots of positives. That of course, can lead to obsession, and none of it means much without a chart, and I never quite understood charting and using opk's as it seemed a waste of money.

But this time, I thought, let's give it a whirl to help me interpret the wackiness that is my chart right now and ease some of the burden. Of course, it's worth noting I splurged and opted to buy the digital kind where you get a blank circle or a smiley face and eliminate the need for interpretation.

I was feeling more wet yesterday - watery to creamy fluid, so I wasn't surprised to see a negative OPK. I was surprised, however, to see a very high temp jump coming after the first solid sleep in three nights.

So maybe I've ovulated then. Tomorrow morning should tell a more complete tale. It's scary how much both DH and I want to be pregnant again, despite the fear. We both confided in each other that we secretly hope it was ovulation and that it worked (though our timing would have been off), because we both want to be able to share good news over the holidays. I've already checked the calendar and have noticed that we might be able to get in for a 6 week u/s before the holidays . . .

I hate that hope, if I'm going to be honest. It only makes everything more disappointing and I'm not very good at not thinking of things like that. I keep trying to focus on the next cycle and how that one will go more smoothly than this one, deflecting that little voice that whispers hopefully in my head. It's not easy, but one look back at the beginning of this month, or hell, the last month, is enough to make my blood run cold in my veins. I fear going through that again.