A lesson in letting go.

I'm frustrated.

Extremely so.

Bleeding continues. Not constantly. Instead, the bleeding/clots/spotting had just about stopped by Friday. Quite a relief, honestly. For the first time since Tuesday morning, I pulled out the doppler and Chicken cooperated nicely. I got to listen to a loud, lovely h/b for a reassuringly peacefully long time.

Later that night, as I was working a needlepoint letter for the baby's nursery, and watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, it happened again. A sudden gush and I was up and on my way to the bathroom when I could feel blood running down my legs. Simply pulling my pants down and off resulted in blood spraying all over the bathroom. It looked like a goddamn murder scene. So far as I could tell, there was no clot this time. It was like a valve turned on, then off, about five minutes later. Barely any signs of blood (apart from the red toilet bowl and blood spatter everywhere.

I tried hard to keep it together, reminding myself that it's not life threatening or pregnancy threatening and that the doc told me I could continue to bleed without warning until the previa resolves. Still, we pulled the doppler out and it took an agonizingly long time to find the h/b - and when it did it was located up high, far higher than we'd found it before (and oddly - or not - where one might expect to find it if the chicken were, say, upright, stretched out and perhaps making use of the convenient trampoline I've graciously and unintentionally provided in utero).

It makes me nervous and it's emotionally exhausting. Even though I have an explanation and reassurance that things are likely to be fine and I know that previa is not as dangerous as it could be. It's still nerve-wracking and hard to deal with.

It really makes me loathe to go out and do anything. Resting or not, the bleeding happens, so it can happen anywhere. I'd rather it happen at home, you know? Easier to clean up and where we have handy reassurance of the doppler nearby.

But this morning, after the spotting was light brown and the overnight pad completely clean, I decided to go on living my life. Since really, there is nothing I can do to prevent a bleeding episode and it seemed safe enough. We went out to lunch and to see Harry Potter. Movie was ok (well, as a movie, it was great, I thought, but as the 6th installment of Harry Potter, I was disappointed in a great deal), and I was ok, right until the end. We stood up to leave and yep, a small gush. Then as I made my way out of the theatre, I could feel a clot. Damn it. I fortunately got to the bathroom in the nick of time, so there was no major bleeding or leaking, but it's still so freaking frustrating and nerve-wracking every time it happens.

More bleeding and another clot when I got home and a feeling of heaviness and a few sharpish pains too. . . makes me nervous and hyper-aware. And totally, utterly powerless.

The fact is that there is nothing I can do. And I suck at letting go and letting things unfold. It's scary. There is a chance I could start bleeding and not stop. That I could start hemorrhaging and that puts me in a hospital nowhere near the kind OB I've seen - a hospital where, if I am before 20 weeks and losing too much blood, they will likely urge me to end the pregnancy to save my own life. The odds of that occurring are low. The doc said that sort of thing is very rare to begin with, and the odds are lower because my previa is not a total previa.

And even now, after so many bleeding episodes I am beginning to lose track, there is a moment of complete panic when I see the bright red blood or feel a large clot. And honestly, there are elements that are eerily similar to my miscarriage experience - feel a clot, a gush of blood, hobble to the bathroom, let it all pass, clean up and wait for the next round. This is largely painless, and that was anything but, however the memories are strong.

And what can I do? Absolutely nothing. It will only be fixed in time, as my uterus grows. And there is a chance it won't be fixed and that I could be one who experiences the problems of placenta previa (placental separation, hemorrhage, IUGR due to lack of nutrients and oxygen, preterm birth). This is the thing that I am worst at in life and here I am, confronting it head on. So disconcerting and upsetting for me. I don't like this. At all.