Still Here

I know it's been awhile since I've posted anything. A lot of reasons for that really - not much new to say, not much different to say, feeling a lot that I wasn't ready to put out there, being swamped at work and feeling very tired (but a different kind of tired) at home.

To give a general update:

-I have not yet made an appointment with a therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist but I hope to do so tomorrow or Monday. I definitely am in a place where I feel ready to talk to someone, ready to explore some stuff, ready to make that move and am approaching a place where it is becoming necessary. So I won't delay long.

-I've been taking the anti-depressants for a little over a week now. Few side effects fortunately - a little nausea that seems to be better already, some dizziness that hasn't bothered me at all the past two days. I'm sleeping much better already and the difference that has made is tremendous. My focus is much better, and just in the nick of time. The pharmacist told me I could take Vitex with the ad's and so I started that back up in again in hopes it will help down the road. I don't feel like they've made a huge difference, but we'll see - the doc said they generally take a month to fully take effect/work properly. I am comfortable with where I am at right now, and hope that weaning off won't be too difficult. I prefer not to be on anything when we start trying again.

-Work has been a whirlwind. A lot has been happening, not all of it great for me. I don't care to get into details, because it's too complicated. I was not recommended for a promotion, which was fine by me as I did not want that position. But of course, that isn't a good thing. My supervisor changed, which freaked me out at first but ultimately isn't really anything different at all - just a formalization of what was already taking place in practice. Things have actually been a lot better since that happened. I've been working my ass off and it's paying dividends. My new boss told me today that she couldn't be more pleased about how I've stepped up and helped out and been doing things these past few weeks and that if it weren't for my performance she would be ripping her hair out and screaming obscenities with everything that is on our plates right now. The biggest knock on my previous performance appears to be prioritization and time management and I'm knocking that out of the park right now. The biggest difference is that I have a goal in mind - moving to a department that I expect will be open in a few months - and I need to prove that I can handle it. So far, plan seems to be working.

It helps my confidence, certainly, but also helps to have some kind of goal to work towards. And I come home every day feeling very tired. But the good kind of tired - the tired of a long, productive day in which I have Accomplished Something. Not the bone-numbing weariness and exhaustion and sadness I was trying (failing) to cope with before.

-Gabriel. Whew. Well, I'm not sure what else to say. I'm still working through it, slowly. I still miss him terribly. I still tear up at odd things with no notice. But, it's getting better. It hurts, in an odd way, to say that, but it's a good thing. I remarked to my husband that I think at least as much about another pregnancy and trying to conceive again (without total paralyzing fear or panic - yet)as I do about Gabriel, if not more. I have found myself saying a few times over the past few days that 'Yes, I do have a child. A son, Gabriel. But he passed away shortly after his birth. He was born very prematurely.' . . .

. . . and it's ok. It feels good to mention him, it feels right to say. I can smile gently and accept the conventional declarations of sorrow for what they are and what they are not. I find myself looking forward to the births of the children due in the upcoming months (my friend Blair gave birth to her son Harrison this week, my friend Tam is likely to be delivered soon and Dawn is due as well). No pangs, no anger at fate. Just a wish for safety and health and a curiousity to see who these new little people are.

Sometimes I think I feel him near me, just for a moment. A comforting presence, an infant smile and a peacefulness. I think I am coming closer to believing that he is ok wherever he is, that he isn't gone forever. Just for now. Which makes me sad, but doesn't nearly destroy me like it did a few weeks ago.