Head in the Sand

So I got my appointment at the clinic across the street - not for the very opening, but for something not long after.

And I realized . . . I'm anxious. About the blood draw, but really about the results. I feel pretty healthy, but what if the glucose tolerance test shows me as diabetic or pre-diabetic? What if the tests show a clotting disorder?

I know, I know - better to know and have it treated if this is the case rather than pretend it doesn't exist. But there is more.

The what ifs.

What if it comes back that I have a clotting disorder? That means that it can be treated and our odds of a good outcome for another pregnancy increase a lot. It also means that if I had sought out different care or treatment earlier, we might have known in time to save Gabriel.

What if it comes back that there is nothing wrong? That means that there is likely nothing we could have done for Gabriel. It also means we are, yet again, at the mercy of stastics decreasingly in our favor, not that we've been on the right side of the stats yet anyhow.

What if we find out something in the karyotyping that indicates we shouldn't try to have children without genetic screening? Or have to talk about odds and stuff?

The what ifs are scary most of the time anyway, but now they are coming close to home and raising questions that scare me and bring up the ugly sides of Gabriel's death and the questions we'll never have firm, final answers to. It raises my anxiety.

I'm not sure what I'm really hoping for with this, what outcome is good for us here. Answers, yes. A plan, yes. But the other, deeper questions. I just don't know.