Monday, November 8, 2010

I hate to complain, but...

I'm so tired. It feels bone deep right now. I'm tired of my job, and I'm struggling a lot.

The thing is - I'm very lucky to have a job, and I'm very lucky to have fallen into my current job. It's not all luck - I've worked quite hard in the past year and that's what is showing through now. There are people who would gladly do my job.

But I didn't actually ask for this job. I was told I was going to do it. I looked at it as a good opportunity (it is) and went ahead, because well, I need a job and there was no option. I wasn't working for this job, I freaked out when they gave it to me and if you'd offered it to me, I'd have thought really, really hard about declining it. I certainly wasn't consulted about the changes after the initial change. Again, I was told I would switch jobs and would be participating in this program. There was no discussion, no option, no choice. Which, to some extent, is fine. If the choice is between job or no job, hell yes, I'll participate. I'll wear a clown nose or a Rockets jersey while doing so. However, on reflection, I'm feeling a bit resentful that I was thrust into this situation and simply told to make it work and am not receiving the support I think I need to do it.

The thing is - I wasn't really prepared for it. Granted, I was always going to have to jump into the deep end with a fair number of things that I simply did not do in my previous job. But these two departments are more than the deep end. It's not even a pool, it's a freaking lake. A Great Lake, even. I like to think that while I've been panicking and shouting in the water about how scared I am, I've also been treading water, and sometimes even swimming.

But it's more work than 1 person can do in a 40 hour week. Or a 50 hour week. I'm constantly behind and I feel like I work from the second I get there until I leave. I stopped bringing work home only because I was so close to burning out. Even as I type, I'm thinking over the documents that need approval, and sighing because I have to do them tonight.

The problem is that I'm not unique here. All three of us - and our two supervisors - are in the same boat. But that's not comforting. If anything, it's more demoralizing.

And I feel like I've been yanked around some. I'm told one thing, and set off in that direction to be yanked back and told something else. I set off in that direction and again, get pulled back. And the problem isn't me not listening - it's that their minds keep changing. First I'm going to spend half-days in the department. Then I'm not. Then I can - it's up to me. Then today they tell me that I'm spending too much time (physically) in the other building and need to begin weaning those departments (both of mine are in a separate building from my home office) because we are centralizing! Can't do this forever! They have to get used to it!

But . . . I thought this was my decision. I already feel completely flustered because I feel like I can't get anything done with this split. But it's so necessary for me to be there. There are a lot of issues that get compacted into my 3-4 hours a day. On top of that - I'm now supervising 4 full time staff members. Hard enough when I do not see them everyday to give adequate and accurate feedback - how am I supposed to supervise them from a different building altogether? It's ridiculous.

I'm tired from trying so hard to catch up and keep up. I'm tired of feeling like the best I can give is not up to my standards (it's not - they deserve better. Not that they're used to that, mind, but I know what they should be getting. And I'm tired of feeling caught in the middle. There seems to be some resent that I stick up for the department in the division. But . . . that's my job, I thought. I defend the division to them, and I defend them to the division. I act as go-between. But right now, it's tiresome.

Just . . . outline my job already, yeah? Stop telling me that the time I spend physically in the department is at my discretion if it's not. Stop telling me that our goal is customer service and making everyone feel supported and heard if that's not true. And be upfront that you simply want me to be a puppet, and not their administrator.

I am approaching burnout. I can and should take better care of myself (including going to bed earlier), but really I feel sort of over the whole thing. And that makes me guilty, because this is a huge opportunity for me. It's flattering and people seem to be pleased at the moment. But I'm exhausted. I don't know how long I can continue this pace or this uncertainty. And I don't know how to convey that without sounding like I'm whining or being unreasonable or not paying attention to the fact that we're all in similar situations. Which is the last thing the team needs. Morale is low and we've all complained about the complainers and whiners and prima donnas. I don't want to add to that, but I don't know what to do.

Which is, I suppose, why I am writing this post now. Without knowing more of the situations and all of the backstory - none of which I'm posting - no one can really offer advice. I guess I just need to say it somewhere.

I'm tired of the bullshit in my job. I'm tired of doing 2 people's work for 1 person's pay (and that is only guaranteed for 4 more months, and what then? Don't think that's not on my mind). I'm tired of being told three different things and of trying to do the best I can and knowing it should be better. I'm fucking tired, end of story.


Missy said...

I hate my job too, but I also feel fortunate to have one. I wish we could all just have the one job that we would love to do forever, then everyone might be happy. Wishful thinking maybe, but it would be wonderful. Thinking of you.

bkb said...

Hugs, many of my days there I stayed in my office as much as possible. I hope you get clear definition soon and much less mind-numbing personality driven crap.