Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Started the Vitex.

Got some today. It's a bit exciting and nervewracking. Given that today is cd8, it's a bit late to start and hope it will have any effect this cycle, but you never know and if we don't get knocked up this cycle, then going ahead and starting now will be beneficial.

I just want to be sure that I don't pin too much hope on this to be a miracle or cure all. I've done a lot of research into and understand how it can help. Ideally, it will increase progesterone and fix an estrogen dominance. If there is an issue with low progesterone, weak ovulation, or other things, this may fix it. It's been referred to as 'nature's Clomid' and I'm really hopeful that it will help me.

But of course, it may not. While there is a lot of anecdotal evidence of vitex working even in the first cycle to move ovulation up or lengthen the luteal phase, often two or three cycles are needed to see full results. And while both studies and anecdotal evidence suggest it works well for a good number of women, there are a good handful it won't have any effect or only a marginal effect (some even report a negative effect).

So I am trying not to get my hopes up and to concentrate on this cycle and on being healthy and timing sex appropriately. I don't need to add any more pressure to this, or I might explode. Good Lord knows I am all kinds of pressurized over it already and we don't need that explosion. I am hopeful that between Vitex and regular exercise, we can get a regular ovulation around cd18 or sooner. I would feel a lot better about that. The more I look on it, the more it seems a likely culprit, especially with the copious amounts of long-term fertile fluid. That suggests an issue with too much estrogen, and hopefully the vitex will help regulate that (I know for a fact that losing fat will).

In other news, I am drinking green tea faithfully. Once I got it at home and with lots of honey, I have come to really enjoy it in the evenings. By drinking it later on, I can be sure it's not interfering with my vitamins at all, which is good news. Has it made any difference? Not that I can tell, really, but the antioxidants are helpful even if the tea doesn't assist fertility at all (there is some thought - internet rumor - that green tea may also aid in excising excess estrogen (say that three times fast!) so I figure it can't hurt to try). I am grateful that I haven't started having lots and lots of eggwhite fluid super early though, which was my big concern in this experiment.

In other news, the laptop, Ol' Faithful, is experiencing AC/adapter jack issues. This is apparently a longstanding problem with HPs that I am only now becoming familiar with. We have no idea what sort of cost it will be to fix and it's extremely frustrating, because I don't want to damage anything in the meantime (I've heard horror stories about molten adapters and shorted motherboards, so the laptop is currently off). My colleagues suggested I mention it to our IT guy, because they may be able to fix it, since I use it at home for work. We'll see, I suppose.

Feeling beat down

Just a continuation of having not felt well yesterday, mostly, but I do not feel with it today.

I'm having a hard time. It feels like my best is just not good enough and that is tough to swallow. There are so many areas of my life that are not where I wanted them to be or what I wanted them to be and it's depressing.

I'm tired today.

Monday, March 30, 2009

That Uncanny Ability

Since we got Grover, we have started seeing blue cars and 300's everywhere. I never particularly noticed either before, unless it was a really striking shade of blue or we were looking for our friends who drive a 300. But now . . . everywhere. There are 2 other 300s in our parking lot and one Toyota that is a similar color. The house three down from us has a 300. And so on. . .

I've heard the same about pregnant women, but it had never really been that noticeable to me. Now it is. Dunno why. Bad luck today, maybe?

One pregnant friend returned from vacation and kindly responded to a freak out post. Another learned today that she is having a boy (we would have been due within a week of each other had the ectopic been a real pregnancy). I got a friend request on FB from an old high school friend - the first thing I see on her profile is that her big u/s is tomorrow. Another friend sends me a link to her baby blog, and another is deciding on a name for her newborn. Everywhere we go lately, I see babies and toddlers and pregnant women absently rubbing their bellies or talking about their pregnancies.

I feel surrounded. And stuck. And mean and selfish. I am happy for these friends, but only abstractly. Almost like - I am glad for them and wish them well, but have no feeling beyond it. Not until I can push away the pain do I feel anything for them. It's the worst legacy of loss.

It leaves me feeling empty and sad and wondering if I am going to have that and that in turn puts pressure - even more pressure - on this next cycle. It's vicious and annoying and thinking too much about it makes it hard for me to breathe.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

I think she was trying to kill me.

Seriously. I haven't been in so much pain in a really, really long time.

This story begins almost 18 months ago. I'm going to make it short by saying that on our second anniversary trip, part of our package included a couples massage. It was such a great experience that I sought out additional massages and eventually bought a membership to a local place that gave me a 'free' massage each month and a reduced price on additional massages. I eventually found the most magical of massage therapists and he was amazing. He made me feel totally at ease and relaxed and I always came away feeling so much better and less stressed out. I think it was one of the saving graces that helped me through a paralyzing job situation and eventual transition.

Well, then I got started ttc and stopped working out and I was more body conscious and this and that and I didn't go so much. And then my guy changed his hours so that he was not working weekends any longer.

It's pretty much sucked since then. The thing is . . . I get really, really, really tense when someone is rubbing my shoulders, neck and back unless I'm already really relaxed. The old guy had a knack of getting me practically conked out and having a light touch so I could be massaged. These other folks give great massages until they hit that spot. No matter how I warn them or what I say at the time, they inevitably end up feeling the tenseness and pushing harder to get it out. It's like the worst kind of deep tissue massage, and it hurts to get and leaves me sore for days. I've tried new therapist after new therapist and it's not going well.

I wrote last week about a shitty day and one of the reasons was a screw up at the massage place that cost me 2 free massages. Apparently, they were scheduled with the person who had my massage yesterday. Now, since she got paid (as I was 'charged'), I doubt she was really angry (though I cost her a tip, I suppose). She was abrupt, but she was giving me a really great massage - best I'd had in a long time. And then . . . my back. Oh My God. My toes were curling with the pain/pressure. I tried to breathe deeply, but I couldn't concentrate.

Just awful.

But the worst part? I stiffened up pretty quickly last night. And when I went to bed, laying down was excruciating. I sobbed with the pain, but it hurt too badly to move. A massage shouldn't do that.


I think this was indeed the sign that I need to cancel my membership. That money (the monthly charge, and the massages, and tips) can be used towards the car payment, and that should be the priority right now.

BTW - after the night, it's still really sore, but manageable. I helped wash the car (looks lovely) but then I had to stop because it was hurting so badly. DH says he doesn't want me to keep going if I can't see my guy, because it's not worth it. I'm not coming home relaxed or happy, I'm coming home in pain. I told him I'd love for him to learn massage. . .

Friday, March 27, 2009

I Got Nothin'

Really, I've thought and thought about something to post, since I've slacked a bit this week.

I don't have much to say.

On the ttc front, I'm worried about the late ovulation thing and haven't yet been to the gym, but DH is about to walk the dog and I will take advantage of that to dig out my 10 minute solutions dvd's. Haven't decided which to do yet, but I've got options. Other than that - my period is pretty much over. Light flow slowing down to spotting today. I expect light spotting tomorrow. It was sort of weird. Three days early, spotting to light to medium to heavy flow in the space of a day. Three days of heavy flow (over a half ounce at each cup dump), and then sudden light flow/spotting. Crazy.

I am going to start Vitex as soon as it arrives (thanks Lari!) and continue that if I don't get pregnant this cycle. I am drinking the green tea, for now, and have been thinking about picking up nettle leaf tea, as that is also supposed to be good for hormone regulation. I have considered baby aspirin in the 2ww, but I'm not there yet. I have opk's ready to go around cd 12 or so. The plan is sex whenever we want until ewcm. Then sex at least every other day until near positive opk, then sex everyday (if we can) until ovulation is clear. Based on past cycles, FF is predicting a mid-April O. Makes sense, but exercise may interfere (positively or negatively), so I'm really going to be watching body cues on this one.

On the work front - I rocked it this week. I had a great, really productive week in a sort of high profile way. I feel good about things. Just need to keep that up.

On other fronts - home is good. DH is amazing, as usual. House is a mess, but it's getting better. The plants are doing wonderfully well - we hope to finish up planting and mulch this weekend, which will make pictures possible. The car needs to be washed again between the pollen and the rain, but the wax seems to be doing its job well. Also needs to be vacuumed.

So . . . that's it.

Oh, regarding the green tea experiment - I did have tea again this afternoon, this time with honey, which did not explode in my pocket when I forget I put it there and sat on it, so maybe it's not a terrible thing to try after all.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The green tea experiment

So I figured what the hell? Let's see if it helps. We have some here in the office. I'm hankering after a warm drink, which means either this green tea or my stash of vanilla almond tea.

Let's try it out, shall we? After all, what could possibly go wrong?

I proceed to make tea.

I realize I have steeped it twice as long as I should have (I like strong tea, so I steep my black tea for awhile, but green tea gets bitter if it's oversteeped). Oops.

I realize I have no honey, which is my go-to sweetener for green and herbal teas.

I realize the office has no Splenda, only Sweet-N-Low, which I refuse to drink.

I taste and realize it is exceedingly bitter. Sugar it is then. And vanilla creamer, because it can't hurt at this point.

Better make that 2 vanilla creamers. I am grimacing a bit now, and the color resembles snot that is just starting to go greenish, indicating possible infection. Charming.

I set the tea down on my desk and proceed to eat my orange.

I then go ahead and start typing, and when a giant BOOM of thunder startles me, I slam my wrist into my (full) cup and send a wave of tea flying.

Flying into my keyboard, all over my desk, lap and a stack of papers (thank goodness it was greeen tea and therefore shouldn't stain).

I am awesome.

I let it get tepid and then drank it as quickly as possible.

I'm thinking this may be a sign from God that drinking green tea during this cycle isn't the bestest of ideas ever.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Going crazy?

Maybe. Not like it's a long journey or anything.

I've spent a good deal of my time today researching late ovulation. Without getting into too much inane detail - I haz it. Anything after cd20 (and in some cases, before that) tends to be considered 'late' and that means possibly bad things. Up to and including - potential fertility disorders like PCOS (too much to explain - broad-based syndrome with many potential negative implications for fertility and ttc), hormone imbalance (delayed hormone production/release, equating to delayed cycling and longer cycles), weak ovulation, poor egg quality (which can increase odds of genetic anomalies and subsequently miscarriage), progesterone deficiency (which can increase the odds of poor implantation - cough, cervical ectopic, cough - and early miscarriage), weakened egg shell (which could allow more than one sperm in for fertilization, which results in a hot genetic mess), poor endometrial lining (not conducive to implantation) . . .

In other words - oh shit.

It wasn't something I worried about before, and I can't say why I picked today to start. My cycles generally fall within 'normal' time frames or have reasonable explanations about they don't. The problems I did experience before ttc left after losing some weight, and I seemed to be pretty regular, with a regular bleeding time/pattern. I just assumed that things were probably ok. I haven't been tested formally for PCOS, but the consensus seemed to be that I probably didn't have it, as I exhibit only 1 of the common symptoms (being overweight) - but without the full formal panel to check glucose tolerance and homeostasis for insulin resistance and checking testosterone and FSH and E2 levels, I can't be sure. But as far as I know, my glucose levels are normal, ultrasounds for pregnancy have shown 'gorgeous' ovaries free from the common tell-tale polycystic ovaries (from whence the disorder derives it's name - though it is possible to have PCOS and not have polycystic ovaries). I don't have excessive hair loss, or growth, or androgyny issues or darkened skin patches or skin tags or excess acne (outside my cyclical issues), or any of the other common symptoms (again, it is possible to be asymptomatic and still have this disorder).

But after reading up and chatting with people, I'm more concerned. Far more concerned. There are some things to try to and fix the problem if it exists, but the easiest, cheapest and best overall - lose weight, and exercise. Regular exercise - even without weight loss - makes a huge difference in stored estrogen levels and insulin resistance, and dropping even 5% of the total body weight can better regulate cycles.

So, uh, it's clear what needs to happen now. And I will make it happen. I have no choice. If I can get my ovulation to more regularly occur before cd 20, it should make everything easier. Which isn't to say that women can't or don't get pregnant and produce healthy living children with late ovulations, but just that I now fear that this may be the culprit in our reproductive struggles and as such . . . given there is something I can do which has every expectation of helping (and is healthier for me overall), I have to do it.

God, I hate exercising. So much so that it is difficult to express exactly how much I loathe it. Still - if it helps me get pregnant and stay pregnant - worth it, right? Even just 20 minutes a day, even that little should help, right?


Other things I am considering for this cycle? Taking up drinking green tea (which I like, actually, but haven't made a point of drinking). Supposedly it increases fertile cm - which, uh, I don't actually need help with, so that's a bit of a drawback - but also may help with hormonal irregularities. Studies indicate increased conceptions among women who regularly consume it. Problem is - it can inhibit folic acid and iron absorption, so it has to be taken well away from the prenatals and folic acid supplements I take. Also considering Vitex (chaste berry) which has been highly recommended to aid in hormone balance (especially with progesterone and in women with PCOS). It really is more cumulative than anything - it won't show effects for a few cycles, by which point, I hope I'm already knocked up, but it's worth considering. I've even considered Fertilitea.

Which makes me feel desperate and a little ashamed. But . . . Fertilitea aside . . . maybe these aren't terrible things to try? I swear I won't be busting out the sturdy towel and standing on my head or using Instead Cups to keep the spermies near my cervix. Still, it feels a little crazy.

Let's hope that the efforts with exercise (AUGH - have to get new earphones!) will yeild high dividends and this other stuff not be really necessary. . .

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Flipped the fuck out.

I had a serious meltdown in my head this afternoon (and er, also in a couple of other places that let me spew forth what is in my head).

The spotting was getting to me. The fact that it seems to be picking up was getting to me. The fact that I have no idea what my body is doing and what this means was getting to me.

Thinking that I would go home and take another test finally set me off. Because that's how the ectopic started. Spotting and shit, and one more test to be sure, only it was positive. And when I thought - oh, shit, this could all happen all over again, I lost it.

I would have started rocking in a corner if I could have done so without being seen.

I think if my period had come on time, or a day early, I would have been disappointed, but I still pretty level headed. The fact that it's coming three whole fucking days early is fucking with my head. Because while it's probably just my body sorting itself out - given that the last full normal cycle I had was in fucking July - I don't know. And the ever present fears about not being able to get pregnant again or carry a pregnancy to term were overwhelming.

Combine it all together and see someone less well prepared or knowledgable or trying for less time announcing a pregnancy and I was gone. It's not bitterness so much today, or even anger, as a sense of failure. I mean, ffs. People get pregnant all the time. Even on birth control. They make babies easily and birth them and stuff. Why can't I do that? My God, teenagers and fucking crackwhores have an easier time getting pregnant and staying pregnant and having healthy children, what the everloving fuck am I doing wrong? What is wrong with me that I can't do these things?

And then I tried to cheer myself up and think positively, and that may as well have been a long drive off a short pier into crazy waters. Because then, in addition to being bewildered, sad, frustrated, I was fucking mad. I DON'T WANT TO BE REASONABLE OR LOGICAL OR ANYTHING BUT PREGNANT. I don't want to give myself a pep talk on how this will take us further towards independence from debt or give me a chance to lose weight or get into an exercise routine or clean the house or be 100% safe on the metho shit. I don't want to look for the silver lining or entertain hope anymore. Because what is the fucking purpose? It only makes it hurt worse when the pain (inevitably) comes. And I am not Susy Fucking Sunshine standing in the rain, shivering, and saying with a weak smile how much I'd wanted to feel refreshed on such a warm day. I want to be angry and sad and I think I've a right to be angry and sad.

This all poured out in a couple of avenues and I didn't intend it to be here at all, because I've been trying to keep a cap on the crazy here, and then I drove home, ranting and raving at my poor husband and finally I popped in an old cd and thank God Grover has a cd player. Charlie only had a tape deck and I can't tell you how amazing it feels to put on angry music, crank it the fuck up and SCREAM to it.

Quite liberating, really. And this wasn't the most angry music I have, it was a lot of pep and upbeat notes which was great, because I felt 200% better afterwards. We got home, I peed in a cup (also a relief) and the test? Was negative.

Thank God. I was truly freaked out over that and while I'm still pissed as fuck that my period will be arriving tonight or tomorrow, I can live with it. It's not an ectopic? I can live with disappointment, so long as I don't have to live that hell again for the next three months.

I'm still pissed off that I'm not getting laid tonight. I am getting Chinese food though, and that's good (not nearly as good as a good fuck, but eh, close enough for now, I suppose).


That's probably not a good sign. . .

Red-brown spotting at that. Not a lot, but, well, that would seem to indicate my period is on it's way.

Too bad. I mean, if that is the case, then I am a little disappointed, yeah. But mostly, I'd like an explanation for the random bouts of nausea that have been coming and going for the last 4 days.



I input spotting to FF, right? And it took away 20 pregnancy points. I find that hilarious.

Have I mentioned the skin issues?


Cause they annoy me equally. I always break out during the lp. Hormone changes cause my skin to be more oily and thus to breakout. No matter how often I wash my face during this time (which is usually twice a day, once with moisturizing Dove and once with a benzoil peroxide or a salicylic acid wash), oily oily oily.

And now, for fun, hideous large painful red pimples on the jawline and neck. UGH. Nothing seems to help them. The overnight treatment stuff doesn't work, they can't be brought to a head and burst (they are too deep), the regular cleansers don't prevent them and I'm sick of them. I noticed maybe one or two randomly until I got pregnant in September. Then I got several. So embarrassing. Then they went away, and today, despite my attention to these areas with my cleansers and creams, I have - count them - FIVE of them. It's awful.

I feel hideous and they sort of hurt.

I effing hate the 2ww (and I know that when I'm waiting to ovulate I bitch about how much easier the 2ww is. Bite me.) (Oh - wait. Does that count as irritability? Let me just dash off to ff and record that.)

Today so far - exhausted, despite 8 hours of pretty restful sleep. Nausea after eating breakfast (wth?). Boobs were fine at the beginning of the day, now achey and sensitive and my nipples are much more prominent. I am noting that now in case this is a bust cycle so next time around when my nipples are more prominent and both DH and I comment on it, I can be reminded that that is in fact normal during the lp. If it's not a bust cycle, well, then, there you are. Aren't you glad you read my blog? Anything else? I feel more irritable, but that's not unusual, really. So far, not a lot of cramping, which is good, as it normally starts today in advance of my period, but it's early yet.

As for the standard 10 dpo test - well, I did take one this morning. Busted out the big guns and used a FRER. It was negative. But. (because there is always a but with me, isn't there?) DH and I both saw a shadow line. Basically a light sort of line where the line should be. Now - that would either be considered an evap line or it's where the antibody strip is and God knows we've seen enough of these tests in the last 6 months to accurately identify where the line should be - but that line wasn't present on the negative from last night. What does that mean? Well, nothing.

But it gives me something to obsess over for the rest of the day, right?

Monday, March 23, 2009


BFN #1 is out of the way.

I confess that I had a laugh when I realized I was glaring at the little piece of plastic. But you have to admit that on the whole this year, they have not been particularly helpful to me - giving me positives when I wanted negatives and now negatives when I think I want a positive.

It's still early - 9 dpo - but I feel tense about the situation. The earliest bfp I've ever gotten was a very faint line on a FRER at 10 dpo. So this isn't unusual. But I alternatively feel like if I don't see a + by 10 dpo, nothing good will happen. It's a sticky situation.


Sore boobs, gassiness, a bloated/stretchy feeling, some nausea, more sudden need to pee.

Is any of that really pregnancy related? Eh, probably not. I usually have sore boobs now, and the rest is possibly explainable. We'll see though. Provided I don't keel over from anxiety and anticipation and fear.

ETA - that weird bloatey/stretchy/heavy feeling in my abdomen? It's bothering me. It almost feels twingey like cramps, but it doesn't feel like cramps. Like sort of cramps - or like cramps should be starting. It's annoying. Makes me wonder if my lp was adversely affected by all the crazy of the last few cycles. I'll be seriously annoyed, but I almost feel like I should carry the diva cup around for a bit just in case, though my lp is almost always exactly 12 days with spotting beginning on 12 dpo and becoming red flow on 13 dpo. Gah, this evening I feel fidgety and anxious and this is NOT HELPING.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Some thoughts that need to come out.

I need to get to bed soon, lest I be extremely cranky tomorrow, but I have another set of expense reports to review first. And I have to write some about how I'm feeling during this 2ww. This is brought on by a ridiculous argument on thenestbump about stress and IF and poor wording choice.

I said something about not temping any longer during the 2ww because of being stressed out by it, and then qualified that by discussing how that seems to be the channel for all of my stress and fear over pregnancy, which is true enough.

Overall, I am pretty even keeled. I haven't brought out the full crazy, for which my husband has thanked me. But I also haven't ignored any symptoms and I can't say I haven't wondered. I think I've tried to have a fairly healthy approach to everything and I think that is likewise reflected here, where there aren't tons of angsty posts or posts about every imaginable symptom that might mean pregnancy or ruthlessly cutting through all symptoms.

But that doesn't mean I don't have some issues here. I do, I definitely do. I'm really quite scared to get pregnant again. I'm scared of the possible endings and can't really even look forward to the ultimate ending of a live baby in my arms. I know too much about what can go wrong. I know too much about all the hassle and drama that will go along with the next bfp - beta series and early u/s to determine the location of the pregnancy and that followed by u/s to check for development and growth. So many things and so much fear for all of that and knowledge that I will try not to get attached and that I will probably fail. Fear about what happens if there is another ectopic or another miscarriage what tests that will entail and what that might mean. It's terrifying, honestly.

And the other side of that coin - I am scared not to be pregnant. While I can logically look at my chart and laugh about 1 act of intercourse being likely to result in pregnancy, each cycle that passes makes me feel a tiny bit more desparate. I mean, my year mark (the point at which I can seek a referral to an RE) has reset due to the last two pregnancies. I will be coming up on a year of ttc in May - which of course, will only be 7 cycles - 2 of which at least will have been 'successful' - and well within normal timeframes. So, we've got a ways to go, which is a relief in one sense and gut-wrenching in another. Every month that ticks by without a pregnancy, every month in which other people are getting pregnant and having babies that started after I did digs a little deeper into my heart. It's a choking sort of sadness, one that mostly resides in the back of my mind, but I cannot deny it's there and that there is a pressure to get pregnant and produce a child and a feeling that I will not be whole again until that happens.

So there it is. If I'm being honest - I'm scared of any possible outcome. How's that for lame? It is the truth though. Not much to say other than I am trying hard to be hopeful and not let myself be overtaken by fear or ruled by it. I think I'm doing ok with it, but I can't deny it all lurks there in the background and has to be acknowledged. . .

Busy Bee

Yesterday was pretty productive and today is shaping up to be at least equally so. If nothing else, I brought work home that has been neglected to this point.

We cleaned out, vacuumed, washed and waxed Grover and sometime today or tomorrow we will condition the leather and clean the interior windows. He looks pretty nice. It gave us the opportunity to chat with one of our neighbors. He didn't think much of our care of Charlie, lol, and had apparently been wondering when/if we would take care of this car. He was intrigued by our choice in waxes and how quickly it went (the trade off naturally being that it won't last quite as long as other more intensive treatments.

We got all the plants in and got the beds stripped and prepped and DH pulled all the weeds and we pruned the esperanza and the plumbago. Awesome. Today we need to plant, plant, plant. I hope we get enough time out there to do that - DH has been cleaning upstairs. We made a deal - if he would put everything away (where it goes and not just shoved in a closet) I will deep clean from top to bottom. I don't mind doing that but I hate straightening and am totally ineffective at it, as I end taking a book from upstairs, going downstairs, setting it down, clearing the bookshelves, rearranging the books, taking the stuff I cleared from the shelves into the kitchen, where I get involved in cleaning out the pantry . . . and so on.

So, while things are inevitably more organized (eventually) if I put away, it's easier for me to go in behind DH and fix it, because then everything is where it needs to be, it just needs to organized. So we are working on the house and agreed that we would focus on getting through at least 2 rooms today. Some are easier than others, of course. He chose to start in the bedroom, which is great, as that is one of the big ones that has been stressing me out.

So, progress is being made and I love it.

Makes me feel so much better and so much less like a FAIL as a wife and housekeeper. And as I have pointed out many a time . . . if we can get the initial effort in and get it done, with a little more effort (but less overall) we can KEEP it clean. Just like we did with Grover.

Happy thoughts indeed.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

A sunnier day

Figuratively speaking, as yesterday was clear, cloudless and gorgeous while today's sky has been a bit overcast.

Nevertheless after some homemade sort-of bellini's last night (sparkling white wine and peach schnapps), and a solid night of sleep, I feel far better.

DH and I went out for breakfast and to view the floral offerings of three local stores for our garden. Spring having sprung, we figured it would be prudent to go get our plants and get them in the ground sooner rather than later.

This is our third attempt at the patio garden, last year having been a marked improvement over the previous year. We still have perennial plants in the ground doing well - esperanza in one bed is growing so much that I have to prune it back and the plumbago in the other bed looks terrific. The rest of the beds and the planters are always filled with annuals.

So now, we have a colorful heap of annuals awaiting their new homes. The beds need to be cleared and raked, the patio needs to have the weeds removed from the cracks and we need to get all the liners back in the hanging planters.

We're going off of last years successes, still trying to figure out precisely what should go where, but in the plumbago bed, we are planting a climbing jasmine (if it doesn't work out, we'll go ahead and do another morning glory, to our neighbor's disgust). We border all the beds in dianthus, and we have more of it to go in this year - all purples, pinks and whites. The plumbago has green-yellow leaves and produces powder blue flowers in clusters. It's really grown to small shrub size, and will produce through to the fall, once it starts blooming anyway. We are adding 5 smallish lantana plants - 2 gold (golden yellow), 2 Texas flame (red and orange and gold) and 1 tangerine (gold and orange). There will be baskets of yellow and orange marigolds hanging nearby, as well as purple and red petunias in nearby baskets and likely a large planter with red-hot mama salvia near as well.

The esperanza bed is filled mostly with the esperanza which do fantastically down here. A yellow-cluster flowering shrub which can approach tree porportions if left unchecked, it loves full sun. In that bed, along the fence, we hope to grow more morning glory, but it may be sketchy, as the esperanze may not give it enough sun. We added it late enough last time that the morning glory had already taken off. There will be another dianthus border as well as lovely red verbena between the border and the esperanza. Beside that, in the shade of the tree and in front of the AC will be red and white impatiens. Normally these are in pots (and such will be the case again this time as well) but they can do well in partial shade and God knows the wild impatiens bushes that magically sprouted this winter have done well near there.

The final bed will house 2 cherry tomato plants, basil and rosemary, as well as a hanging basket of marigolds and the everpresent dianthus border.

The remaining scattered planters and hanging baskets will have petunias (purple and red and lemon yellow and white) and impatiens (red and white).

This all makes me so happy. It's colorful and pretty and peaceful. And DH, because he loves me, does most of the heavy labor, allowing me to simply tell him where they go. Though I do like to get my hands dirty too, so it's not all on him.

We did say last year that we figured I'd be pregnant when we did this stuff this year. I feel a pang that I'm not, but hey. It's ok. It's going to be lovely, regardless of anything else and give us months of beauty and happiness.

This is the first time in years I haven't grown from seeds, but I just couldn't deal with the hassle. But I think it will all work out anyway. And I love my plants, however they come about. It amazing to see what happens from just a tiny little seed or a tiny little plant - the beauties that come, it's simply overwhelming and hopeful, you know?

Friday, March 20, 2009

I am in a foul, foul mood.

Stupid stuff, less stupid stuff.

Too long and boring to retype. A screw up I wasn't responsible for and an assumption I was responsible for meant my plans for the day got fucked up and I lost 2 prepaid massages. Son of a bitch.

The temp went back today. The possible reasons are that yesterday was a fluke, caused by restless sleep; that today was a fluke caused by not turning off the AC before bed, as I was freezing cold when I woke up to have my temp taken and as soon as it was, I burrowed back under the covers; an implantation dip (hahahahahahahaha); total randomness either way. I'm so interested in seeing what will happen next, but I am sticking to the plan. I don't need the stress that inevitably follows the temps. I'm done for now.

Still in a foul, angry mood. There is much shit to be done, the house is a disaster and I feel like a failure as a wife and housekeeper. It's just one of those days in which it feels like everything I touch falls apart. I know logically, it's not true, but I hate this feeling a whole fuck of a lot.

DH is taking me bowling this afternoon so maybe I will get some of that anger out of my system. Bah.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Yeah, so that no obsession thing? FAIL.

I did SO well yesterday. And on the way home, I said to my darling husband that I was trying hard not to obsess and that to that end, we would take 2 more temps to 100% confirm ovulation and stop temping until after my period next cycle if this were negative. He nodded encouragingly. I didn't temp the full luteal phase of any cycle other than the 2 pregnancy cycles. I didn't think it was worth the drama.

The first pregnancy cycle was a temping fluke - because of the hurricane and being without power, we had no means of setting an alarm to temp and confirm ovulation until 6 dpo. So I temped 3 days to confirm that ovulated when I thought I did, and then temped the next couple out of curiousity because my temp was so unusually high. Then, post-mc, I wanted to see what would happen, and when the chart looked tri-phasic, I needed to see more, and then the temps dipped and then . . . well, you know the rest.

So I figured that going back to the ways of old, when I only temped a couple days past confirmed ovulation, would help me not obsess and that is a good thing.

So naturally, I have an unusually high temp this morning to fuck it all up. 97.7, to be precise. Not the most unusual temp I've ever seen or anything, but damned if it isn't a jump over the others in a way that mimics my pregnancy charts. That? does not HELP.

I've spent part of my day off now staring at the chart, willing it to reveal itself to me. Looking at overlays of the temps and comparisons and realizing - it means NOTHING. Not a goddamned thing. Because honestly? Dude. I didn't temp beyond 5 or 6 days in the other ovulatory cycles. I didn't have temps for 2-5 dpo in the first pregnancy cycle. My temps were several tenths higher overall in the summer than they are now. FFS, I am only going to drive myself nuts if I continue.

So I asked some friends to indulge me and they did and gave me their opinions, along with some surprise we were trying ahead of our previously stated 8 week date of March 23. Oops. I don't regret it though. I may yet live to if something were to happen, but I felt a strong compulsion and I listened. I have to stick with that and not second guess myself. It wasn't just an urge - we did a lot of research and a lot of soul-searching prior to that decision. I refuse to allow myself to go down that road into madness. We'll deal with whatever comes from our decision as it comes - and as I need to remind myself now - the odds are nothing comes from it.

So, to save us all as much angst and eye-rolling as possible, I am going to try and stick with my original decision not to temp beyond tomorrow. Being the weekend, my hopes are high that this will allow us to sleep in and distract me while I await approaching a possible test date.

Hey, stop laughing, damn it. I am trying!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Some ttc stuff.

Since it is supposed to be a blog about ttc and all and I feel like I haven't much been talking about that recently (though a look-see denies that perception).

Anyhow - I did ovulate, 2 days after the positive opk (though I personally think it was more like 36 hours). Since we didn't have sex again, there was only 1 shot at it, and the timing is only sort of meh. There was definitely eggwhite fluid and such, but I'm trying hard not to get obsessed with things and worry about it.

Most of the time, I have a healthy attitude about it. We have a chance, and it was a decent chance. If it doesn't work, well, we'll have better chances next cycle (and will be totally clear of the concern of any lingering effects of methotrexate). That said - I do have a peaceful, even hopeful feeling about things, a tiny little beam of light that whispers this may have been our chance for a healthy baby.

I definitely believe going ahead, even with just one try, was the right move and I won't be asking lots of questions or wondering.

Of course I am not always one with the healthy attitude. I spent some time in looking at the edd and at my chart (which show exactly nothing at 4 dpo except a clear biphasic shift). I have spent some time concentrating on the cramps I was feeling, wondering if perhaps - just perhaps - that might be the fallopian tubes hard at work pushing along wonderful dividing cells . . . and then I recall I felt something similar the first cycle ttc and that was a big fat nothing and that our timing was meh at best.

Hard not to fall back into the ways of obsession, but I am trying. Best I can do, I suppose. And that will be the last update for awhile, unless something really spectacular occurs that warrants talking about. I'd rather focus on how I'm getting a 4 day weekend and all the wonderful things that will entail. Which is for tomorrow, dear readers.

Monday, March 16, 2009

The obligatory updates and random musings.

Weight loss - none. Not up or down by even a tenth of a pound (which I ignore). Which is good considering I ate like shit this past week between vacation, late hours and no grocery store trip. However, I am still a pound up on two weeks ago, so suck. But my waist is down a wee bit more as are my hips and my upper arms, so all is not lost.

And after yesterday, we have a wonderful store of delicious, nutritious options and variety to last us at least 2 weeks. So rock on for that.

Work - blah. I'm in a construction zone right now. I suck at work. I just have no interest in it. Suck again. But I persevere, and have some time off this week, provided I finish up what needs doing. Made some progress today, but not enough. I really need to buckle down tomorrow and Wednesday.

Oh, and I fell down again at work. A regular reader of my blog knows this is not an unusual occurrence at any location for me, but this one was funny. I tripped on some plastic sheeting and fell hard. But I was balanced, so I was able to catch myself on my hands and knees. But I slammed my shin pretty hard and it hurt for awhile. Otherwise I was ok, except people were concerned, because as always, I fell down in front of quite a few people. I am awesome in my abilities to fall. And they were concerned until my coworker Andrea popped her out of her temporary workspace and asked if I was the one who fell and laughed and said that I do indeed do it all the time. Heh. I guess I'm rather like Tigger with my amazing bouncing abilities. Too bad I hate Tigger (he bounced Eeyore, whom I love and adore).

Anything else? Nah. Need to pay some bills tonight and study for my test tomorrow but we'll see. I also sorely need to work on my writing, having had some ideas, but I'm finding it difficult to sit down and focus. Wouldn't hurt if I cleaned house as well . . . but bitch, please.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Though I am the root of all evil, I am also sort of smart sometimes.

If you've arrived here from BOTB or 6+ then you are already aware that my siggy carries a quote from one BlairWaldorf in it, declaring me to be the root of all evil. It is true in its own way and amusing in a multitude of ways. Blair is an e-friend, but more than that. She's become a wonderful real friend too, and hell, she even made my cell phone list. Impressive, that. If you've never read her blog (heirtoblair.blogspot.com) you should.

And not just becuase she's directed people over here on an occasion or two (waves to those folks).

I found something she'd quoted me on from thenestbump in her blog while journeying through the archives. It was written during my pregnancy with Chickadee when we still thoroughly believed all was well and that I'd be having a baby in June.

What I said was this, in response to a question about the emotional ttc rollercoaster:

"Definitely. That first cycle was a bit of a whirlwind - so weird to be trying after waiting so long!

But when it actually happens, that's an even bigger mind-blowing experience. Sometimes I just sit and think 'This can't be real.' or 'Holy crap, what were we thinking?!'

The whole concept of growing and birthing another living being with a soul is just overwhelming and awe-inspiring and terrifying and elating all at once. At one point, I remember writing in my journal that for all the bumps of ttc and all the frustrations and all the exhaustion of it - it was like the ultimate act of hope and belief; hope in ourselves as parents, as a continuation of life, as the world as a better place. It's a neat journey, and in the end, your life will never be same."

In keeping with my goals of the Lenten season, I've been working to let go of the bitterness and anger surrounding my fertility and to open myself up to letting hope and faith and love back in. Some days are better than others, but I have found that I am much, much better than I was when I am actively working to combat those negative feelings.

It is better to live positively and be open to God. Slow going, but there is progress. And I do feel more hopeful. There is fear, yes, there is. But it's not overwhelming me or paralyzing me (yet). And that is good.

But the above. . . I can feel that again. It was true then, and it is true now. By trying to conceive again (and yes, we are), we are affirming our love for each other and the strength of our love. We are affirming our belief that life is a good thing, a beautiful thing and something to be cherished and perpetuated. We are affirming our belief that the world, imperfect and unfair as it is, is worth exploring and being in. We are agreeing that love can conquer all and that despite the pain we've been through and the hurt we've experienced, the chance to press forward our love into the world and create another soul and bring it into this world, nurture it, love it, raise it, guide it - that that is worth trying for and that the chance of pain isn't enough to kill that.

It is an amazing, wonderful, heartbreaking, thrilling, chilling, exhilarating, tearful rollercoaster and it will never leave us the same. Even if that is in ways we could not have anticipated and might not have wished.

One of the worst things about ttc again.

Holding pee for accurate opks.

Seeing as I was home yesterday, I went ahead took opk's in the morning. Getting a + on the line test prompted me to take a digital, which gave me the smiley face.

I repeated in the evening when I normally take them, after trying to hold my urine for awhile, but it was lighter than I would have liked (late lunch and drink with it). And while the line test remained positive, the digital was negative. That gave me a frowny face. Especially since it looked exactly like the one from the morning that was positive.

I have no idea really what is happening in there. I'm having twinges on the right side, and the cervix is still high up and soft (but more closed?). I am having what I would describe as water fluid, but nothing like the last two days which I might describe as . . . squishy. Maybe another false start, maybe my body will give up the ghost, dunno.

But right now? I sort of have to pee. A lot. And my DH just called to say he's stuck working late. Which means at least 2 hours before I can pee. Unless I want to not take an opk tonight.


Also? I think my thermometer may be possessed. Just sayin'.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Bom Chika Wow Wow

Oh yes, my friends.

Sexy times at the CottonSocks household have indeed resumed.

And lo, it was not just good, it was damn well bloody fantastic fucking good.

*stretches like a satisfied cat who has just gotten into the cream*

Much, MUCH better.

(Yeah, yeah, tmi, I know. Ahem. Did you read the warning I posted? It's your own damn fault.)

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Names and other random things.

It is decided.

The 300 shall be referred to as Grover. Grover Leonidas. But really, come on. Grover.

How did this come to be? I explained why DH liked Leo, and I was meh about it. It was ok, but not fantastic. I told him I've been digging the name Oscar for awhile now. He snapped back that if you were going with a Muppet Sesame Street character then it had to be a blue one, so that limited us to Grover and Cookie Monster and Cookie Monster was out. Grover, eh?

Heh, I like that name. I really, really like that name. . . and so we thought it over and agreed last night that the car shall henceforth be known as Grover Leonidas. It's fitting.

Lemme see, what else?

Uh, I've lost no more weight, and may have gained a pound or two, but my measurements are definitely smaller. lolz.

Uhm, I need to update my chart. I may be gearing up for ovulation attempt #2. Still spotting, still hoping it goes away. But there has also been clearly EWCM and my cervix is changing from rock hard, low and open to medium, medium, open. And the opk's had gone negative with no or only a faint test line and as of last night there was a noticeable line again. So, here's hoping. If nothing else, I hope that a normal cycle will make the spotting stop. Apparently it's not really abnormal - it's unusual, but not worrisome (to someone who has been laid in the last few months). I can have some hormones to try and deal with it, but since I want to avoid fucking up my cycle more . . . I just have to live with it for now. Anyway, I hope it stops soon or that I ovulate soon. I want to ttc and right now, the when of that is questionable due to my cycle alone. At this point, I'm not exceedingly trustful about the quality of my eggs, so I want a fresh cycle making things good when we start again.

Anything else? Guess not. There isn't much happening right now, I suppose. Maybe I'll grace you with a beautifully written piece on being overweight in our society soon, or about meanness/snark/bitchiness/bitterness on internet message boards soon. Who knows?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I'm a mama!

Not in the traditional sense, not at this point.

But I do have a new beautiful, bouncing blue baby - name to be determined - in the form of my new car.

And I am in love.

We hadn't planned to buy a car this weekend. We had hoped to eek another few months out of the breaking down Escort -aka Charlie - in an attempt to pay off my credit card debt (both to eliminate that and get a better interest rate). Then, on our way home this weekend, the cruise control stopped working.

The latest in a litany of things to quit working or need repair:
-the taillights being permanently 'on' and the subsequent need to disconnect the battery at each stop.
-the brakes grinding and needing replacement parts at an estimated $200-300.
-tires needing replacement at $300.
-the speakers in the car were starting to static.
-the transmission was sticking in second and there were ominous rumblings and rattlings at any speed over 45.
-the power window on the driver side has been not working for months.

Now, we think most of that would have been affordable fixes, but they were all coming along at the same time. And they would prolong the life of the car, but for how long? It was 9 years old and had 117,000 miles on it. I don't want to buy brand new tires for a car that will quit in a year. The tech who fixed it up for inspection warned us that while the manifold gasket seal looked ok now, it would have to be replaced in the next 18 months. Who knows how the transmission was doing?

Add to that that we were cramped in the car with us and the dog, and didn't have enough room for everything at Christmas as it was and that we hope to add a baby to the mix (maybe two) . . . the writing was appearing on the wall.

Fighting that was the panic of assuming a car loan in this economy, when we are trying to reduce debt and increase savings and want to have a baby please that I am not 100% convinced we can really afford.

But still, the cold hard economics of the situation showed that we could make at least 3 car payments with the money we would be spending on the car, and since we don't have that in ready cash, it would either mean decreased credit card payments or additional credit card debt (depending on the balance of how long can we go without fixing this issue). And DH pointed out that one of the reasons we haven't made as much progress as we would have liked on our credit card debt is precisely because we've had unexpected car issues come up and have had to use the card or wipe out our emergency fund (and yes, that is what it is there for, but not having anything in there sends me into panic attack mode).

And the cruise control wasn't working.

(but damn it, we replaced the entire AC last year! I wanted at least another summer for my trouble and expense - to be clear, we had to do that to fix the power steering - it wasn't vanity, as the AC had quit working the previous summer.)

We had had a plan. We planned to buy a Toyota or Hyundai minivan. I won't go into my (apparently odd) obsession with minivans and why they are so great here, but the idea was our next vehicle would be a van, and would be our Family Car for at least 10 years (hoping that good maintenance and care would push it towards 12-15 years, as has happened in my family). We wanted to buy new and buy a brand with a proven track record of long-term use. I have nothing against domestic cars - I've only ever owned them - but they don't have the same record as Toyota, Honda or even Hyundai. That would then set us up for our 3-4 kids and we'd be in good shape.

Tiny hitch in the plans is our complete inability to afford one of those vehicles new and our hesitation to buy something used and hope it lasts the desired 10+ years.

But as I began thinking about it, foot on gas because of the stupid cruise control being out, I realized - we don't have 2 kids yet, let alone three. If all goes according to plan (and God knows it certainly hasn't yet), we've got at least 5 years before we will have 3 kids and consequently require a new vehicle. So buying a sedan is an option. And we only need it for about 5-6 years . . . so used is an option. We definitely need more space. . . it has to be a full-size sedan . . . but hey . . . this could work. And we're going to have to make these repairs and pray or we're going to have to make a car payment. . .

So we talked about it for the remaining 2 hours of the drive. What we needed, what we wanted, what we wanted to pay, whether it should be this weekend (convenient, since I'd be in the same town as my insurance agent) or wait another couple of month to lower our debt more . . . and we got to looking.

Went for a test drive Saturday of a couple of vehicles. Hated the salesman and the car (Dodge Calibur, if you are interested). Realized we could buy a Chrysler or Dodge minivan for the same mileage/price as other we were looking for. Drove by a component lot of the place we bought the Escort (this was the Chrysler/Dodge component - my Escort was purchased at the Ford component down the road - all my dad's vehicles came from there, and two of my mom's), and looked them up online. Found 2 cars we were seriously considering - a Chrysler 300 and a Dodge Caravan.

We weighed the pros and cons - 300 was newer and had factory warranty and bells and whistles I never thought to own in a car - Caravan was a minivan, was far less expensive and would accomodate a surprise like twins or Irish twins (lol). Both had the same mileage. We both realized we preferred the 300, but the price was a sticky point. We agreed to test drive them both and see if they'd come down on the price at all. It was clear from the pictures that it had been on the lot quite some time - it started out at a comparable price to other 300's of that year/mileage, and had already dropped $4k in price.

So we went, we test drove and I was in love. We made an offer, they accepted (with our trade in, for which they gave us what I consider and exorbitant amount - clearly they didn't get it over 45 or try to roll down the window. They were amused when I advised them the hammer in the front seat was to reconnect the battery which they might want to do before attempting to start the vehicle).

We sat, we waited, we fretted. I was, frankly, vomitous at the idea of what this would cost us and whether or not it was the right decision. In theory, I love spending big money. In practice, I feel ill. I guess, despite the credit card debt, I am a fairly responsible person.

In the end, we were pronounced to have excellent credit and got a good interest rate (we do have good credit, and I work hard to maintain it - but my debt:credit ratio has climbed since companies started closing unused lines of credit), were highly complimented on both, chose an extended warranty (I want to make sure I'm covered if I'm paying this much a month for the next 48-72 months!), signed our lives away, and were given keys.

We transferred stuff out of the car, had a sniffle over Charlie (who was, despite my complaining, a wonderful little car for us and we will miss him greatly - we drove away from our wedding in Charlie, with LoneStar cans tied to the bumper!), patted him, thanked him for his years of service, climbed in and drove away at 20 mph.

The 300 is yet to be named - Leo and Oscar and Grover are all under consideration - but it is wonderful. Blue, gorgeous, huge (it's like driving a boat compared to Charlie!), smooth as a baby's butt and has tons of fantastic features (leather seats! seat warmers! which are totally unnecessary in Texas, but which still make me happy! cd player! yes, Charlie had a tape deck! power everything under the sun except driving for you! room enough to have sex in the back, which is perhaps how our next pregnancy will be conceived! and I can adjust the seat both downward and backwards to accomodate a pregnant belly! maybe that's what we've been waiting for - growing room!). I have to admit that when I parked this morning it was terrible. I couldn't pull into the space I was aiming for and I was hanging over the line by a good 2 feet, but I'm learning.

And isn't that what car parenting is all about? I love my new baby.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

It's so beautiful!

Not my friend's new baby - though he truly is gorgeous; in fact, the three babies that have been recently born are all lovely newborns, making me a total liar - but the pregnancy tests I took tonight.

Beautiful and negative. Snowy white and clear. Well, one had a sort of shadow line in that there was maybe something there if you squinted. . . but . . . eh, the fuck with it. NEGATIVE!

I'm not pregnant any more!

Also, the opk's were so negative there were barely second lines. So who the fuck knows what is going on with that? Oh, I guess I forgot to say - + opk Sunday. Crippling pain and + opk Monday. Negative opk Tuesday, but still pain. No temp spikes. And again, + opk Wednesday. Today is negative. Crampiness, a little achiness on the left side, we'll see what the temps do, but it is possible that I won't ovulate, just have a cyst. Anyhow, hopefully this all = period in reasonable time frame (either way) so that I can start ttc again. And an end to the spotting would be most welcome.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The Comfort in Dark Times

Truly, the thing that comforts me in the middle of the night, when I wake in a cold sweat, or when I'm stewing over something I've done or not done?

No matter what I've forgotten, no matter what I've done, no matter how much I suck, I will never suck as hard as some people do.

One of the greatest things about the internet, imo, is exposure to people who suck hardcore at life, and the knowledge that I will never be as bad as that.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Could it be?!

Could I have ovulated?

I honestly don't know!

Maybe tomorrow will tell us more. I can tell you I had negative opk's (on both regular and digital) last week. Now I don't think this is the case, but the urine could have been dilute. On Sunday, I tested with hpt (still positive, sigh) and opk (just because) and the opk was +. Huh. I figured the urine the was diluted.

Tested again yesterday and the opks were positive again. Then I had the worst pain ever. Started as cramps and then moved to the left side where I feel ovulation pain. It was seriously painful. Took Advil, didn't help. Couldn't move without pain. Pinching, pulling, throbbing, aching pain. Finally took my miserable self to bed and curled around a heating pad and cried myself to sleep. It was that bad.

This morning? Nothing. No pain. Felt fine. Temp didn't change much though. Figured it was maybe a cyst, didn't know.

On a hunch, I took the opks again when I got home and sure enough - both clearly negative.

So there is evidence I may have ovulated, but I need to see the temperatures climb to confirm. While I think it unlikely that I had both severe ovulation pain and positive opks, it can happen. Please let it have been ovulation though. I know it's unlikely while there is still hcg in my system - and there is, numbers to come tomorrow - but at low levels it is entirely possible.

So. I hope it was, as that would mean we could go ahead and start ttc next cycle (which would put my period due around 3/14-15 and if I ovulated on time, then it would be after the beginning of April, well into what I consider the safe zone. So, I am hopeful! That would be great, by my way of thinking. Some hope of my body working correctly again is very welcome.

Or not. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, the pain came back this evening for an hour or two (with bright red spotting, no less) and I thought I would die. Awful. Advil fortunately took care of the worst of it. Randomly - my cervix is low, while yesterday it was high, but it still feels very, very, very open. I am very curious about what the temp will do, but if it doesn't go up, I'm not going to freak out. It's no big deal, but I'm hoping I don't have to try and see someone about a potential cyst or something. I'd really, really love to not feel like a total reproductive system failure for awhile.

Monday, March 2, 2009


So my actual weigh-in was this morning. I was going to skip it, because I figured it would be 316, since I was fluctuating around there all week, and I wasn't exactly Miss On-Point-Target this weekend (hey! I stuck within my weekly point allowance!). But you know what?

I got on the scale anyway, because I wanted an accurate recording.

And it said 313. Whoa! Wait. What?

I stepped off, scratched my head, got back on. 314. Ahhhh, more like it. I used the toilet, brushed my teeth (and yes, washed my hands thoroughly between the two activities), got back on, 314 again. Ok then. Showered, checked one last time and 314. So I went with that.

That, my friends, equals 3 pounds lost last week. And 3 pounds closer to where I want to be before we start ttc again. That one is a sort of drop-dead weight. If I'm not under 310, we'll wait until I am. I would like to be under 300 before I get pregnant again, but I'm looking at one goal at a time. 310. That's where I want to be before we try again. That is 4 pounds away. Four pounds in 2-3 weeks is doable, if I keep staying on target. Though the steakhouse we'll be eating at this weekend may kill me . . . lol.

So yeah, there it is. I feel like if I am under 310 (after being at 324 at the start of my pregnancy with Chickadee and at 322 at the OB's office for the ectopic dx/treatment), then that should be a clear sign that I am taking my weight seriously and that I am working to be in the best health possible. I'm not going to wait for 50 pounds or a year to try and conceive again. That is not in our plans, and honestly, it won't work. We've waited too long already and we've had too much disappointment to stop trying now. And I would self-sabotage. That is too much pressure for me to perform. It might motivate some people, but it would make me shrivel up and croak and reach for the nearest candy bar. My good-faith gesture to the medical personnel of the world and my compromise with myself is to try and continue to be as healthy as possible until I get pregnant (well, after too of course) - but show that I am making the effort.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

The obligatory weight-loss update

First - the weight loss part.

I have done exceedingly well this week (well, technically I have today to still get through without blowing it, but hey, close enough). I went over points on Monday by 3, because of my reading and arithmetic comprehension fail. But hey, that's what the flex points are there for, right?

I stayed on target Tues, Weds, Thurs and Fri, though if we're being honest, I have a feeling that the Chinese food I ate Friday night was really higher in points than I recorded. When you are just guessing because it's a local place with no nutritional info, it's hard. I found everything I ate (shrimp rolls, chicken broth from the wonton soup - yeah, just the broth, what? - lemon chicken) but who know whether or not that is anything approaching reality? I mean, the lemon chicken from this place is vastly different from the (better) lemon chicken from the place at home. But I tried, anyway.

And yesterday was the big splurge - Red Lobster. I know - it's hardly upper crust cuisine, but it's good. I just want to say God Bless RL for having ALL their nutritional information published online. It saved me a ton of grief. Because I was a good girl, I planned the menu in advance and looked everything up. I learned there was an appetizer that we had talked about that was 1500 calories. I shit you not. I was stunned. Anyway, we planned and I planned to use up my flex points because I did well, and everyone should splurge.

In the end, my meal totaled roughly 40 points. Yeah. I know.

In the end, that, and some Hershey's kisses and a glass of juice, were all I ate. That sounds bad, but I slept late, skipped breakfast and then we went to the place. I split my meal roughly in half and ate the rest for dinner. So really . . . not terrible. At all.

As of this morning, I am down another pound. Not where I wanted to be, but not terrible either. We didn't work out (oops) so I'm not going to complain too much. I can say that I have started noticing what I noticed last time - stretch marks beginning to close up and become ridges instead of valleys. A friend encouraged me not to get caught up on the scale numbers and accordingly I am tracking my measurements again and already have lost over an inch on my hips and waist. So the scale may not be as friendly as I'd like, but the body size is moving in the right direction.

I'll probably talk more about obesity/fatness, pregnancy, society, and perceptions soon, as these have all been percolating in my brain recently.

Until then, there isn't much to say. I'm still clinically pregnat, ie - still have enough hcg to register on tests. I'm hoping that tomorrow's blood draw shows a decrease to 50 or under. Worried it won't. I'm still - still!- spotting. It's so fucking annoying I can't even tell you how tired of it I am. It does seem to have slowed down some, in that there is less and less, but it's still dark brown to red brown and just when I think it's going away, it gets heavier for a few hours. So.Fucking.Tired. of it. Seriously. It's March. We are in MARCH and I have been bleeding/spotting since DECEMBER.

FFS, people.

I have also done very well in making another large credit card payment. Sadly, it doesn't seem to have done much good. I want to say that I've put about $3k towards the credit card, and it seems to only be down about $1500 from where it was when I started paying the higher amounts.

Ugh. I really want it under $3000. I can live with that. I have illusions I could pay that off. But I'm still far from it. How depressing. I need to do our taxes so we can decide how much will go into savings versus how much will go towards debt. I really want our savings built up more. At least a full month of salary for an emergency fund, and frankly, I'd prefer $5k in there as a cushion. If I could get that in there, and we could save on top of that I'd be a happy, happy woman. I don't see it happening anytime soon, mind you, but I do happen to know that the MegaMillions jackpot for Tuesday is $212 million. . . so uh, dare to dream, I guess.