Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I don't think I can do it anymore.

Work, mostly, I mean. I've spent nearly every day for the past week and a half (which does include the 14 hours I worked this weekend) feeling like I'm being beaten up, run over, and am utterly incapable of doing anything correctly or on time or effectively. Even after finishing the massive report with a scootch of time to spare, there was no sense of accomplishment or relief, only dread about what I'd had to push off and what we'd discovered wasn't done yet or correctly.

The stress is unbelievable. There are things going on that make a lot of things feel less stable. A colleague may be leaving. Two months ago, I'd have jumped at her job and I think I'd have been hired for it. If she does leave now, I'd still apply but I have no confidence that they'd actually hire me.

Full stop. I have no confidence anymore. I feel like every thing I do is a struggle or wrong. I leave every day feeling like a failure.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't think I can.

I have no choice. The situation may change in the future, but it's not going to change in the short-term, unless my colleague leaves. Or something happens way, way above me.

I'm not seeking advice, there is none to give. I just need to say somewhere that I feel utterly defeated. That I'm tired. That I'm terrified I will continue to feel like this every single day and the thought makes me want to crawl into bed and never leave again. Demoralized. Exhausted. Wiped out. Like a burden.

I'm so tired of it. I used to be good at my job. I miss that feeling.


Kaitlyn said...

No advice just ((hugs)) and love.

Aoife said...

Oh Eliza, It's horrible to feel that way. I'm sorry that you do. I've had similar times at work - just not feeling good enough. It's so hard when you put so much in and just still don't feel you're achieving enough. I hope for a sea-change soon for you.