This is not how it was supposed to be.

That's what is killing me right now.

I waited. I waited until we were more financially stable and had things figured out and DH and I were in a good place. It wasn't perfect - we still had debt and the floors are still ugly and our window treatments suck and we would like a new car - but what in life is perfect? I didn't jump the gun when DH said he wanted to have a baby about 3 months after we got married and I sucked it up when I realized we weren't going to be able to afford it all on my old-job's salary and pushed it off. And I lost weight like they said I should.

I started ttc in 2008. I was supposed to have a 2009 baby. I was supposed to get pregnant relatively quickly (well, I guess, technically that happened), and it was supposed to be a relatively easy pregnancy (not perfect, but no major complications). I wasn't supposed to lose Chickadee, but I did. And I think I did a really decent job of not losing my f*cking mind when it happened.

And so we picked ourselves up and we started over and this is the result. Another failure, another m/c only this is extra special. It's f*cking ectopic. And not just ectopic - a special ectopic that only happens in 1% of all ectopic pregnancies. And it takes weeks upon weeks to diagnose and I get lucky - I get the assiest possible OB and his staff.

And it wasn't supposed to be like this.

Only it is like this and I hate it. I hate how angry I feel and how bitter and jealous I feel and how it sneaks up on me (because it's not there all the time) and how much of a burden I feel, because I don't want to be MC girl or THAT friend who is just too much drama wrapped up in self-pity. I want to scream and shout that it's not fair - but it isn't fair. Life never promised fairness. It's just all so much crap and I hate feeling like I must have done something to deserve this, because why else would this happen?

And I am so envious of people who are together and gentle and kind and loving even with all their burdens and all the crap that life has thrown them. I feel so ashamed of myself for not being that way and for being such a failure to begin with.