In a weird place.

The night was awful. NO sleep and consequently all symptoms were there and awful. I threw up water, ffs.

And there was some very minor, minute light brown spotting today. Mostly in the morning, but the cm was a little darker than usual in the afternoon as well. Combined with all the crampiness of the last two days and how exhausted and worried I was, this made for bad headspace.

I tried to remind myself that the uterus has a lot of growing to do (it was pointed out that between 9 and 11 weeks, the baby itself grows from the size of an olive to the size of a lime, so the uterus has to make some room, presumably extra true when it's small to begin with). I tried to remind myself that if there was a miscarriage on the horizon, the cramping would get increasingly worse and more painful and there would be more bleeding than a miniscule amount of brown spotting.

Of course, I also felt like a miscarriage is simply inevitable. Ever since I hit 10 weeks-ish, I have been surprised. I expected to feel relieved by this somewhat significant milestone - double digits, a drop in the risk of miscarriage, within a couple of weeks of ending first tri . . . and instead, I've found myself brooding and moody, feeling that instead of 2 weeks leading to a happier, easier place in pregnancy that I was facing a quickly closing window; that my pregnancy would clearly end within the next couple of weeks.

I am not and never have been an overwhelmingly positive person so it's hard to maintain positivity. I don't know why or when, but at some point today, I felt sunnier, more positive. It comes as a relief.

I found out that insurance does in fact cover the NT scan, and plan to schedule it for July 2 or 3, at which point the baby should be measuring 12w and a day or so. I'm both excited and completely terrified by the prospect. I am so scared that we will go in and be told there is no heartbeat and that chicken stopped growing weeks before. I suppose still having some pregnancy signs - and in fact, still being pregnant - should be comforting. My OB friend just reassured me today that she is confident I will have a healthy baby based on the good heart tones earlier on u/s, but still. It's tough to go such a long time between appointments, you know?

Which always brings us back to the question of the doppler. I'm pretty certain we are in fact going to buy one, but man. I'm so hesitant to do it before we hear a h/b on doppler. Fearing that I'll freak out if we can't find the h/b, worry even more than I already do . . . so I'm not sure when that purchase will happen, honestly.

And to top it off, it appears we may have some identity theft, since there are suddenly random charges appearing on our bank account. We've cancelled our debit cards and are filing a dispute claim. It appears there are sex phone charges, of all things. Very disturbing. All in all, it makes for a weird feeling in the air.