Crying

I spent much of the day crying.

I hadn't really cried since leaving my mom's house. I usually get teary when I leave her behind, waving. This was no exception and was perhaps worse.

I don't know why today. I just feel a great deal of pain in my heart and sadness today. I've cried, I've screamed, I've moaned, I've shouted.

The pain is still there.

I realized today that I will never know what Gabriel would have looked like as a newborn, or as an infant, or a toddler, or a boy or a man. I will never know what his favorite colors are, what his dreams are, whether he likes carrots or broccoli or neither. I will never know what color his eyes would have been.

I will never know how he would have sounded or smelled, or how it would be hold him close to my chest. I will never know if he would have liked basketball or some other sport or no sports. Or whether he preferred playing with blocks or trucks and whether he would have liked to read as much as I do or preferred playing video games like his daddy.

And it kills me. He was so small and alive for such a short time that there is very little to Gabriel. He was my son and I loved him, but there is so little I know about him. There is so much I wanted for him - to learn about flowers and to go swimming and to play with Jonah and to love and share and to be loved and to be kind and gentle.

And none of that is what he got to know. I hope a lot that he wasn't in pain or scared when he was born or when he was left alone on that tray or when he died. I hope a lot that he knew his parents held him and heard us tell him he was loved and wanted and perfect before he died and knew somehow what that meant. I wish I knew where he is now, if some part of him still exists somewhere, but that is one of the downsides to ceasing to believe in God - you aren't sure really if there are souls or where they go after death if you don't believe in God. I guess that's why I haven't made up my mind yet what I think, because I want to believe that he is out there somewhere, safe and in no pain and I can see him again.

How can it hurt this much and how can I still be alive?