'God is Prolife!'

That was the sign I saw today while going to get lunch. People in Texas can be very religious and especially so in smaller towns. This was near a religious center (not a church though) and I have driven past there probably a thousand times and I've likely seen similar anti-abortion messages there before. Hell, I've driven by there at least ten times this week and I did not notice the big red letters placed over a grinning bright eyed baby of indeterminate sex until today.

And holy mother of God, did I see red.

I am what I think is a bit of a rare creature. I have had several pregnancy losses, but would consider terminating a pregnancy that had a child whose prognosis was incompatible with life. I know from my sojourns on pregnancy loss boards that a higher number of 'us' are opposed personally to termination, even if they remain generally pro-choice. That's fine - I used to be very pro-life in my younger days when I thought I knew everything and had the right to pass judgment on other people without knowing their situations or stories. That is not to say that that is how I view people are not pro-choice - only how I was when I was not.

But that sign. Oh, that sign.

So God is pro-life, huh?

But my baby is dead.

Smaller letters order me to choose life. I thought, full of bitterness, I DID; apparently, God or the Devil or the Universe or Fate (I am not sure what I believe in at this point anymore) made other choices and now my son is dead.

Way to back the very religious people up there God.

I thought about writing the center a letter and politely request that they kindly explain why, if God is indeed pro-life, I am not currently pregnant and rubbing my belly as I talk to Gabriel. That despite the pleas to God, and prayers made a number of people who have a better history with him that I do at this time, my son is not alive. Or, more philosophically, why is it that death was ever created (because it was, or at least that is how I remember it from Sunday school) if God is all pro-life?

I suspect I would not get a satisfactory answer.

I wish I was brave enough to do it though; perhaps they would rethink such trite sayings that don't stand up to a brisk wind of doubt, let alone the hurricane raging around my thin threads of faith right now. It's all just too much to see something like that and not want to shriek in fury. It's hard enough to keep my composure when I think of the number of babies that are born into broken homes, into bad situations, that are unwanted or unloved without hearing on top of it that God is apparently all for the life of babies, unless they are mine.

Fuck this all.