A short note

Goodness, I've got posts swirling around in my head, waiting to come out, spilling out in conversations with friends instead, making me less inclined to turn them out here.

And I'm tired - what a week! SO very glad that it is Friday night. So this will be short (by my own standards, lol).

My mother accused me yesterday of being giggly. Which made me laugh, because I did not feel giggly, I felt exhausted. But it's true, I was chuckling more than usual. I don't quite know what it is, but I have felt lighter the last few days. The cynic in me says it is simply the anti-depressants doing what they do (aren't they supposed to take about a month to really kick in? That's coming up), and worries a bit about how I will be when off them - if they make me happy, does that mean I'll turn into a hot mess again when I go off them?

But I think no - some things may get harder, and of course grief isn't a straight forward process or line, not a GPS that gets you from one location to another. There will be hard days again, likely for years.

But I'm doing ok, you know? I've processed a lot.

And today, I looked at Gabriel's pictures for the first time in weeks. I studied them, head cocked, scrutinizing them, imprinting them again on my memory, though their outlines are well known.

And you know what? I was taken by surprise when I felt my lips curl into a smile. Not the wistful half-smile on my lips the last time I looked at them two? three? weeks ago. No, a full, complete, whole-hearted smile. Nearly a grin. Completely involuntary. I looked at my son, and I felt joy. I heard a laugh on the air around me and the smile became a grin. I looked at Gabe and thought, my heart swelling with maternal pride, "My God, my son is beautiful. My God, how I love him."

And no tears came this time. Just a sense of peace and pride. Just a moment of joy, beholding the beautiful miracle that was the physical embodiment of my son. What a lovely moment.