Sunday, September 6, 2009

'God is Prolife!'

That was the sign I saw today while going to get lunch. People in Texas can be very religious and especially so in smaller towns. This was near a religious center (not a church though) and I have driven past there probably a thousand times and I've likely seen similar anti-abortion messages there before. Hell, I've driven by there at least ten times this week and I did not notice the big red letters placed over a grinning bright eyed baby of indeterminate sex until today.

And holy mother of God, did I see red.

I am what I think is a bit of a rare creature. I have had several pregnancy losses, but would consider terminating a pregnancy that had a child whose prognosis was incompatible with life. I know from my sojourns on pregnancy loss boards that a higher number of 'us' are opposed personally to termination, even if they remain generally pro-choice. That's fine - I used to be very pro-life in my younger days when I thought I knew everything and had the right to pass judgment on other people without knowing their situations or stories. That is not to say that that is how I view people are not pro-choice - only how I was when I was not.

But that sign. Oh, that sign.

So God is pro-life, huh?

But my baby is dead.

Smaller letters order me to choose life. I thought, full of bitterness, I DID; apparently, God or the Devil or the Universe or Fate (I am not sure what I believe in at this point anymore) made other choices and now my son is dead.

Way to back the very religious people up there God.

I thought about writing the center a letter and politely request that they kindly explain why, if God is indeed pro-life, I am not currently pregnant and rubbing my belly as I talk to Gabriel. That despite the pleas to God, and prayers made a number of people who have a better history with him that I do at this time, my son is not alive. Or, more philosophically, why is it that death was ever created (because it was, or at least that is how I remember it from Sunday school) if God is all pro-life?

I suspect I would not get a satisfactory answer.

I wish I was brave enough to do it though; perhaps they would rethink such trite sayings that don't stand up to a brisk wind of doubt, let alone the hurricane raging around my thin threads of faith right now. It's all just too much to see something like that and not want to shriek in fury. It's hard enough to keep my composure when I think of the number of babies that are born into broken homes, into bad situations, that are unwanted or unloved without hearing on top of it that God is apparently all for the life of babies, unless they are mine.

Fuck this all.


Cristin said...

I wish I had the words right now to tell you something.......anything but I know there aren't words......there is nothing to be done.......nothing to be said. I felt compelled to contact you though.......I found your blog a week ago or so and have been following you closely. I lost my precious boy Cayden after 3 days on Aug 8th of this year. He was born at 32 weeks because he had teratomas in his brain. This is a horrible horrible horrible group we have joined. My heart is broken and shattered as I know yours is. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your sorrow. You are not alone with your feeling. I am here with you.

jess said...

The drive through the Bible belt from Texas to Michigan last week was filled with those signs, and I thought of you when I drove past them, thinking about how the people who put up those signs probably only meant it one way, when it can be interpreted in so many. You are still in my thoughts, and I'm sorry that God is being a shitty sherpa on the trek through this grief. I hope that you find any reconciliation that there is to find.

Katiedid1806 said...

Oh, my sweet easjer. My heart is breaking for Gabriel and you and your DH. Your family was only so briefly together, but I have no doubt that your son was loved and knew he was loved from the very beginning.

I wish I could hold you and let you just talk and talk about whatever and whomever you need to. Know that your friends are watching and hurting with you, grieving your loss with you. I am so sorry I never got to meet Gabriel, but my, what a strong, beautiful name for a son I know was as beautiful as his mother.

Mirne said...

"perhaps they would rethink such trite sayings that don't stand up to a brisk wind of doubt ..."

I agree. Such statements are like a slap in the face. So obviously they don't stand up to reality, but the people who believe these trite statements don't think of them as such. They are fanatics through and through. They see aborted babies, we see our children.