Tuesday, September 29, 2009


I am tired.


Worn out.

It's everything. It's physical, I don't sleep well. Even when I do or when I get enough sleep, I still feel tired. It's mental, I can't always think clearly or focus on what I need to (er, that may not be a new thing). It's emotional, I'm tired of the weight of grief, of bottling up how I feel, of letting go how I feel.

It hangs on me like a mantle. I find myself saying it over and over. I'm tired.

I mean

I'm sad I'm lonely I'm in need of sleep I'm in need of comfort I'm in need of something to say that won't cause you to give me that pitying look I'm exhausted I don't want to move Excuse my outburst Excuse my silence Excuse my lapse in concentration Leave me be Ask what is really wrong with me

I'm tired.

It all just seems so overwhelming today. Last night was awful, it all spilled out. All the stuff I guess I'd carefully tucked away for a couple of weeks wasn't gone like I hoped, just waiting for my defenses to lower and . . . whoosh . . . the crazy spills out all over the place. Peaks and troughs, right? It all just seems so pointless today; I genuinely can't answer the question 'why bother?' . . . I assume there is a reason, but it's too far out of reach right now and I'm so tired.

And I don't see an end. I just want to sit down and quit life for awhile. Recharge my energies, rest. But there is no rest, no energy. Just plodding onwards, for reasons I don't know.


I feel defeated.

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