One of the things I remembered clearly about my pregnancy with Gabriel was how miserable it was. There were moments of joy - I can remember the occasions when we listened to his heartbeat in a reassuring rhythmic lub-dub, and chasing him with the doppler, and feeling him move inside me.
But for the first twelve weeks, I was in complete misery. Overwhelmed by fear, and terribly sick. I can remember how difficult it was to find things to eat that would stay down, I can remember individual vomiting sessions. I remember at least two weeks in which I subsisted on Easy Mac, v8 fusion and smoothies. I can remember that it was dreadful. I can remember how much worse it got when constipation struck, and how incapacitated I was when the bleeding episodes hit. Further on, I can clearly remember the clutch of terror at the feeling of a clot sliding out of me in a gush of warm, red blood.
But the visceral feeling? How it felt to be so ill? What that vomiting felt like. How miserable it was to have nothing I could eat that would not come up again. How sore and aching my muscles would be, how charming the pinpoint hemorrhaging around my eyes was.
I've been very forcibly reminded of these things.
Very little is staying down - Gatorade, very cold Sprite, water are going down and mostly staying down. Food eaten after 7 seems to have a better chance than anything before that, save crackers. I'm quickly remembering survival techniques like eating bland foods, remembering that protein helps, but carbs like mashed potatoes and noodles stay down more easily. Chicken broth is a god-send.
Vomiting doesn't make me feel better, mostly, but is sometimes unavoidable. I don't like feeling like this at all. I should be grateful for the symptoms, but not only was I unable to go into work this weekend, I have no idea how I'll make it tomorrow. The balance of work and this illness is terrifying to me when I need to prove myself and feel so utterly behind and so physically incapable.
Of course, I also have to cynically wonder how large a role the progesterone is playing in this sudden downward spiral into worse than morning sickness. I mean to say that before I had this prescription, I'd experienced inreasingly frequent and strong bouts of nausea. I'd gagged over brushing my teeth a couple of times and I certainly threw up my prenatal quite unexpectedly and violently Tuesday morning. But this all day paralysis of near-vomiting and the degree to which I vomit when it does happen didn't really hit until yesterday, which followed 2 doses of progesterone. Taking it vaginally is supposed to reduce side-effects, because it bypasses metabolization in the liver. I'm not convinced it is poisoning me, to be honest.
I do think this will be a little easier if this pregnancy is viable. The uncertainty right now makes coping with this much more difficult.