Another of those tense, scared days.

I think this is going to be the norm for awhile.

I apologize. I can't imagine this is any more fun to read than it is to experience and I know my friends/fam/husband are tired of it. The thing is, I am too. I find it exhausting.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was sleepy and tired and napped. I had sore boobs and I had to pee at least every 3 hours, if not oftener. That's ridiculous for me. Light pulling cramps. Massive 0-60 FEED ME NOW hunger and a little nausea.

I pulled out some pregnancy books and flipepd through them. I talked about the baby. I looked at things like dates when I would be out of the first tri. I joked with DH that craving sweets means a girl.

I took a digital that popped up 'Pregnant' in about 40 seconds. I cracked it open and the blue lines were dark and lovely. I took a FR and it was equally dark between control and test line. I took a cheapie and it was the darkest one yet. Oh, did I mention I did this with second morning urine that was pale yellow, and therefore not particularly concentrated?

All of that left me feeling pretty good, pretty certain that when I go in this afternoon, the beta will come back over 100. I've even dared to believe it might be a perfect doubling rate and hit 150.

And this morning. . .

I didn't get up to pee at 4 am as I've been doing. My boobs are not so tender. I mean, they are a little sensitive if you press them in the right spot, but they aren't sore and achey like they were all day yesterday.

Mind you, I know symptoms come and go and I pretty much seem to have either nausea or sore boobs, but not both. And nausea I have aplenty today. The feeling that my teeth were not clean made me queasy. I gagged while brushing my teeth but stopped short of vomiting (my teeth still didn't feel clean after five minutes of brushing). I had to choke down a muffin amidst queasiness and vague unsettled feelings that it wasn't a good idea. And truly, I've been having unpleasant rumblings and waves of nausea and have swallowed back lumps more than once already today. I'm still cramping - more pulling type sensations again.

And yet, I'm still terrified of going in, like my midwife will look at me and shake her head and say 'What on earth are you doing back? You clearly aren't pregnant.' I'm terrified that the beta will have gone up only slightly. I know it has to be over 30 to trigger a positive OPK, but I'm afraid that's it. I'm afraid the baby has already stopped developing and I'll either bleed soon or just continue unaware and pregnant until the u/s shows an empty uterus.

Right now, it's a choking sort of fear (which doesn't go well with the m/s). I'm so hopeful this is it and so afraid to feel any connection to this pregnancy, to this baby. We haven't named it yet, I'm too afraid. I'm so terrified history will repeat again and I will get bad news after feeling good about this one.

I don't know what will ease it or make it better. I know everything logically, but this is pure emotion. It isn't logical. I just keep praying every day - Lord God, you made the heavens and the earth. You made me and you made this baby and you alone can protect us both. Please God protect this child in my womb, let this be our healthy child, that grows safely in my womb and that we hold in our arms and raise in love to know you. Please God, don't take this one away from me too - you gave us this gift, please watch over us. Please God, fill me with peace and reassurance, show me that all is well, give me faith when I have none.

Please God.