Oh, hi!

Important stuff:

1) Mom's surgery went well. She's been recovering nicely, and the pathology report came back clean, so she doesn't need any chemo follow-up. Her doctors did a great job and her remaining vocal function was preserved. I was glad to be there taking care of her for a few days, but it does make me wish we lived closer together (or that DH and I lived back home).

2) My appointment on Tuesday was good. Monday night was difficult. There was a lot of fear and a lot of preparation for bad news, because I just wasn't convinced that this pregnancy could be viable.

DH was not able to be there for the u/s, because of timing issues, which was nerve-wracking. They were running on time though, and had me back quickly, and within three minutes of entering the room, I was getting intimate with the dildo cam. Right away, an image popped up, but I didn't have a great angle on it. The tech pointed out a blob, and then began pointing out the yolk sac and I couldn't take it and blurted out, "But is there a heartbeat?" and she laughed and pointed it out.

It was cool because with Gabriel, it was a pole or grain of rice with a flashing pixel. The extra week made a real difference because this time it was a blob and I could see the heart expanding and contracting as it beat. Very neat. Measured 6w6d - or spot on for fertilityfriend's chosen ovulation date. That meant that as with Gabe, my hcg levels were really high. No twins, thank god. The heartrate was 134 bpm, which is fantastic for about 7 weeks. It appeared the placement was good.

The relief was overwhelming. And I'm still more relaxed than I was a week ago. Knowing that the horrible, horrible nausea and fatigue and every other physical thing isn't completely in vain makes it a bit more bearable.

But for all of that, I still refer to the pregnancy rather than the baby, still feel detached (and would be happier if I could just ignore it for awhile), and am just feeling grimly that I want to get on with things. Oh, there are moments of excitement and I find myself too easily slipping into thinking about the future as if it might come to be. I can talk about baby names or returning to work, but I shook like a leaf after telling my brother we aren't attending his wedding, because I am pregnant and am likely to have the cerclage the placed about that time. It seemed too much like calling attention to the pregnancy and that's what I want to avoid at all times. There is a primal inner urge to keep my head down and not to draw attention to us and that may be the only way to sneak this through.

I simply cannot forget how it ended last time we got this far. I can still feel as clearly as when it happened how it felt to finally let my guard down with Gabriel and fall in love completely with him. And I still can't quite forget the sense of betrayal I felt when it was snatched away just four days later. Of course I can't escape it. Every day is a comparison, and Gabriel seems to be more firmly present in my mind than he has been in awhile.

But yet again, for all the fear, there is a peace somewhere. No idea how long it might last, but there is a certain pull that is difficult to explain. I would not dare to say I feel optimistic, but the fear is more conscious than deep-seated in my soul. I am not sure if that makes sense. With Chickadee, there was simply a disquiet deep within that I kept trying to overcome with logic - I had symptoms and no spotting, things were probably fine! But I couldn't shake it. Despite everything going wrong that did with Gabe's pregnancy, I continued to try to be optimistic because he was well. But there again, a disquiet in my soul that I tried to talk over. So far, this is the reverse. There is not yet a soul-dread, but there is plenty of logical fear and I talk myself into negatives as if that might protect me. I feel like I need to avoid comfort or settled in or smug, but it's so I'm not tempting fates, not entirely because of a deeply rooted terror.

For now, anyway.

This after-life is complicated. Well, so it is and always has been. I should be used to living as a walking contradiction, but it never has gotten easier to figure out.