I'm going to just go ahead and admit it.
This is hard for me to do. But it's true.
I am depressed.
Not just sad, not just mourning, not just grieving. I am depressed.
You know those commercials for anti-depressants? Those with the wind-up toys or those that tell you depression is physical?
Well, yeah. That's me.
I knew that I was going to have to talk to the new doctor about things, and as I started to add it all up, well, it reads like a checklist.
-Not sleeping, not feeling rested after adequate sleep (check)
-Excessive fatigue (check)
-Listlessness, lack of focus (check)
-Difficulty concentrating (check)
-Physical stress, aches and pains (check)
-Feeling lost and/or hopeless (check)
-Prone to emotional outbursts (check)
You know what really sealed the deal for me though? It's stuff at work. Not even bad stuff necessarily. It's just that I'm starting to feel trapped there, hopeless about my job, I don't think I'm very good at it (and I can no longer look at it objectively to see if I'm an utter failure, good, getting better, or just not meeting my own high standards across the board), I don't know what else I can possibly do, and I'm starting to really dread going on. This, despite actually being really on top of things since I've been back and working hard to please everyone since I've been back (seems to be working). In other words, I'm working hard, and it appears to be showing, and yet, I am completely sick over work.
That's when it hit me that maybe, just maybe, it's not work - it's me. And I thought about everything right now. And I'm going to be honest. I'm coping. Sometimes I'm doing ok, other times I'm not. It's not a matter of not coping or bottling up grief or not dealing with it. It's that for whatever reason, hormones levelling out, DNA catching up with me, the stress of everything reacting chemically or physically . . . it's not just grief. I need help. I don't like how I feel most of the time, mostly how tired I feel. It's so all encompassing - tired physically, no energy, tired emotionally, just utterly knackered and wiped out. Maybe the other things would get easier if this were fixed. I'm hoping so - I'm hoping there is something that can be done.
It's other stuff too, like setting a small, achievable goal and being unable to get it done. Easy, like cleaning the toilet. I just can't summon the energy to do it or to care. But then I feel overwhelmed by the state my house is in and I feel overwhelmed by guilt and then I end up in the cycle again.
I know that it is not unusual to suffer depression, and I further know that I am genetically pre-disposed and situationally pre-disposed. And having had depression in the past and having people close to me suffer from it, I know it's a real issue. And yet, admitting it makes me feel ashamed, like I should try harder to pull myself together and get my shit worked out. Like I have failed in yet another arena of life. I just feel so beaten down right now. It's so tiring.