Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Space Between

Yes, that is a reference to the DMB song of the same name. I really like that song a lot. The thing is that I'm not a big music person; I am in no way musically inclined. I'm totally a lyrics person. I need the lyrics to speak to me and to be relevant. It's the reason I love the Barenaked Ladies so much - their lyrics are twisty and turny and grab you with the pictures they paint.

Anyway, because I'm not a music person, I don't listen to it much beyond when I'm in the car. However, I have spent the entire week scurrying through income reconciliation reports as my office is handling them for the entire divison (normally, these are done in each department) and we're up against a short time frame. These things are tedious, consisting of a lot of report running, and extraction from Adobe and then subsequent document insertion/compiling and THEN finally actually retyping the pertinent data into the form that goes on top. Tedious, mind-numbing and requiring attention to detail.

To keep myself awake, I've been playing music. I visit youtube and find videos and let it lead me around - today I listened to the 10th anniversary concert version of Les Mis. Twice. Before that though, I was grooving to DMB. And listened to the title song - The Space Between.

Now, look, I know how cliched (and possibly a little teenage angst-y) it is to find meaning in random snippets of song lyrics that have nothing to with whatever situation you are in, and yet, I think we all do it. And in this case, the end of the song leapt out at me in a way that made my heart clinch, then flutter. I wondered if it was Gabe near me, pushing me to understand it in this way, if this was a message.

"The space between what's wrong and right/is where you'll find me waiting for you/The space between your heart and mine/is space we fill with time/The space between"

The space between what's wrong and right. What is wrong and what is right? It is wrong that he is not here. It is wrong that he was born when he was, where he was, how he was. What is right? I don't know. Maybe there is something right in this awfulness that seems so entirely, utterly, completely wrong. Maybe someday I'll even know what it is. But truly right now . . . that sort of is where Gabe is. In between. It feels so very wrong, and yet, I'm finding an acceptance that it is what it is. Maybe that in itself is a step towards right.

The space between your heart and mine. . . space we fill with time. God, how I want to believe that is all that is separating our hearts right now. Time. Merely time. Only time. Time passes in a blink, and instant and only feels long. Time will end for all of us eventually. I hope so fervently that when it does, our hearts will be together again, that we will be together again. Time is not such a barrier that we can't be together now, that love can't cross it.

Space between. It feels like such a gulf separating me from my son. Maybe it isn't, maybe it's just perception and physicality. Maybe that is wishful thinking on my part. But . . . maybe there was something there I needed to hear.

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