Aha.

Here's the reason I can't make up my mind:

I'm afraid of having to think about fertility treatments.

I know a lot about them, I think they are fantastic, and I'm utterly unwilling to go there. Not because I have any objection, or because my husband does, not even because of the money since we get zero insurance coverage of fertility medications or treatments.

Because that makes things so much harder for us to think about it.

Right now, we're afraid of a potential subsequent pregnancy, because we know what the best case scenario entails: visits every other week and invasive monitoring if all is well, multiple doctors, surgery around 13 weeks, weekly injections, restricted activity and early birth likely including pitocin induction. And that's if things are smooth sailing.

The worst case, of course, includes another death in a colorful variety of ways.

There are times I question why we are ttc or would want to given the above. Whether it's not better for us to stop this madness and simply look towards a gestational surrogate or look more closely at adoption, though it is far from our preferred option. (I don't mean to suggest either of us have anything against adoption. It's still in the mix. It's just that at this point, where we are, we feel like it's not the best suited choice for us. That may change in a couple of years - time alone, I think, may have us in a different place.)

I think most people who ttc after a loss face this question at some point. I'm not unique here.

But then when you take all that and heap infertility or the need for assistance on top of it. . . where is the line? Financially, what makes sense to try? Certainly an IUI for a couple thousand dollars makes more financial sense than skipping that and jumping straight to a surrogate - if it works. IVF seems ludicrously out of the question - if we get to that point, we may as well go ahead and find a way to come up with another $40K for the surrogate and be far more certain (though never guaranteed) about our outcome. What is the point of heartbreak and pain dragging on (and testing and doctor visits) when we can just stop now and start saving up (though really, it wouldn't be saving up for awhile yet)?

It's not a need to have our own biologic children - though I would mourn that if it were not to be. It's more that we are currently following the option that seems less risky - by a small, very small, margin. And if you take away that small margin by a determination that we need help to get pregnant too. . . I'm no longer sure where we stand. And I am very sure that I don't want to have to make those decisions.

The realization of the core of my distress over the continued spotting and the fear that my hormones are completely fucked up, over the reluctance I feel in deciding about ttc is nice to discover. But not particularly comforting in any way.