Sunday, February 20, 2011

Conflict of interests

So. The looming question has become 'what the hell are we doing?' - and the answer is a very simple 'I've no idea.'

Are we ttc? Well, I have gone back to using the CBEFM for the amount of good it's done (none). I am going back onto Vitex, but that generally takes 3-6 months to show any real improvement. We certainly have begun having more regular unprotected sex, but it's not been with purpose or pattern.

And on the other side, I've been terrible about remembering my vitamins on a daily basis. Since I stopped taking the anti-depressant, I simple forget to take the prenatal and vit b series. If I start the Vitex more regularly again, it will probably help. And while I've been monitoring my cycles, I've not gotten strong lh surges or fading estrogen lines on my monitor sticks, so I'm not sure what's going on.

I'm still far too fat and still pretty stressed out at work. And given the conversations floating about, I'm not sure I see that stress ending anytime in the near future. It's concerning, a little. Pregnancy is stressful enough for me without the work pressure added. But then, maybe the two things will allow me a sort of hyper focus. Who knows? I asked my supervisor and hopefully soon to be boss whether I would be doing this job in a year and was told "I don't know." Not in the sense that I'm on the RIF list - I was told they definitely see me there, just not in what capacity.

See, the centralization will take what currently is a number of department administrators (generally one to a department, though through attrition, several of is have more than 1 department) and group them roughly into 4 groups, with a senior administrator and 1-2 assistant administrators. There is talk that I would be up for consideration for one of the senior positions despite only being in charge of a department for oh, six and a half months. The thing is - I get this grouping (which is a weird, non-standard group with lots of extra pieces). I work well with them and I'm beginning to understand their accounts and issues. It could be a good fit. I'd like that to happen, honestly. But the stress involved would be high. I dunno. Some days I'm all for it, and other days I think I'm insane.

But as it's all out of my control now, I'm trying not to worry about it. None of it will matter if my colleague doesn't get our boss's old job. She's one of the final three candidates, and her final interview is this week. My fingers are crossed, making this difficult to type, really.

But back to the ttc. . . I'm not sure I can do it without worrying over it. I'm not sure we can do a laid back sort of see what happens approach. Kind of tried it this cycle - didn't push for sex on Friday or Saturday, despite feeling what I thought might be O pain (the sticks were fading from a peak-y looking stick on Thursday). If it was ovulation (and there are plenty of reasons to wonder at this point, though temps will tell the tale). Now I'm feeling a little anxiety about it all.

The last thing I need is more anxiety, certainly. It's weird to think that if Gabe were alive this is about the timeframe we'd planned on to try and conceive his sibling. I do feel some pressure - self-produced as it may be - because of my age, because we started trying to conceive back in 2008, making this summer the fourth time around. I'm feeling like testing is around the corner and while I think it pretty much all comes back to my weight, I don't know. And don't much want to at the moment. There are times I think - life's not so bad. Why force it? If we're meant to have living children, it will happen.

There are other times I think bleaker thoughts, that our chances died with our son and that it won't happen for us. Sometimes I think that we're meant to sit tight for the next few years, work on our finances and home and jobs and something else will fall into place.

Then there are times I see a baby and ache so badly I have to bite my lip to stop the howl that wants to erupt. Then there are times I see my husband pick up our animals and croon softly to them and my heart breaks, thinking it should be our son. There are times he goes out with the boys and comes home exhausted from the tales of night-feedings and now toddler antics that fill the conversation, and I can see on his face that he's thinking we should have had a child so long ago; we were the first to try to conceive amongst our friends.

I look at our crib - the best model for the best price when we bought it; now recalled because of the dangerous drop side. I look at the expiration date on the carseat and sigh because I don't think we'll use it at all before it passes the recommended safety-use date. I look in the mirror with disgust for my body and think of the time that undoing a decade of weight gain will take. I look at our bank account and wonder if we'll ever be where we hope to be.

And I wonder what we're doing, if non-decision and non-prevention will work for us, whatever work means. I wish someone to take the decision out of my hands, because I fear both paths. It seems there is no right answer. Emotion battles with logic battles with fear battles with desire battles with reasoning. Pros and cons. I can make a list, but how to weight it? How to balance age with finances? How to balance weight with longing?

Conflicted is the most convenient definition, but perhaps deceptive in its simplicity.


Serendipite said...

I could type that I have similar feelings, but that in itself is deceptively simplistic. I can't even imagine the depth of those feelings, so instead I will just give you (((HUGS))) Most of the time, the decision is made for us one way or another, whether we like it or not, right? Good luck my friend.

Michelle Claire said...

I love your blog and it read it regularly. I know your using ovulation kits but have you tried the digital tests? I had such a hard time reading the regular ones and it drove me crazy!

ironbunny said...

Non-decision and non-prevention: I know where that land is. I've been residing there for quite awhile.

And I feel ya on the "decade of weight gain".

Want to go grab a drink? If I'm ever in Texas...