Beta is back

Thank you, Jesus.

After ranting and raving and losing my shit for awhile, I had a sudden sense of peace fall over me. I was able to concentrate on work and just had this feeling that I needed to have faith in faith, and not faith in numbers. Just believe that everything is ok.

It was nice. It lasted through the point I expected them to call (as the birth center closes at 4), and I resigned myself to waiting until tomorrow to hear back. DH was impressed at my resignation, but I just felt calm.

And then, out of nowhere, the phone rang and it was my mw. Well, technically, it was the other midwife who I had nasty thoughts about. I take a few of them back, as she stayed late to get the result and call me.

290

Two fucking hundred and fucking ninety.

Holy shit y'all. It more than doubled - that is a doubling rate of 37.3 hours.

I'm pregnant. And so far - it's perfect. Right on track in the median range for betabase. I am so fucking relieved, I am near tears.

Still Waiting. Going insane.

All day long, I've been one long tense bundle of nerves, willing my phone to ring and for the news to be good.

I can't concentrate, I can't focus . . . I have had a strong desire to crawl under my desk and whimper until the phone rings.

I am seriously stressed out.

The MW said that the results would be back by 1:00 pm, but to give it at least another hour in case they are backed up. When there was no phone call by 2:01 pm, I gave in. I meant to wait until 2:00 pm, but visions of bad news and breaking it to me gently and the overwhelming nervous nausea I've had all day long overrode courtesy and I called the birth center.

One of the other midwives answered. The one I dislike. Blah. She informs me that the fax machine is not working properly, so they haven't gotten all the results in and she is having to call the labs and ask for each result to be re-faxed or given over the phone and she hasn't received mine yet. But they'll call when they do!

For fuck's sake. Patience has never been one of my virtues, and in this case, it goes straight past nerve-wracking into fucking tortorous and I would probably trade state secrets for my damned beta results.

I fucking need to know. Does this shit happen? Yeah, it does. Can I do anything about it? Nope. Is this driving me off the deep end? Only about 3 hours ago.

Fuck me running.

Another of those tense, scared days.

I think this is going to be the norm for awhile.

I apologize. I can't imagine this is any more fun to read than it is to experience and I know my friends/fam/husband are tired of it. The thing is, I am too. I find it exhausting.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was sleepy and tired and napped. I had sore boobs and I had to pee at least every 3 hours, if not oftener. That's ridiculous for me. Light pulling cramps. Massive 0-60 FEED ME NOW hunger and a little nausea.

I pulled out some pregnancy books and flipepd through them. I talked about the baby. I looked at things like dates when I would be out of the first tri. I joked with DH that craving sweets means a girl.

I took a digital that popped up 'Pregnant' in about 40 seconds. I cracked it open and the blue lines were dark and lovely. I took a FR and it was equally dark between control and test line. I took a cheapie and it was the darkest one yet. Oh, did I mention I did this with second morning urine that was pale yellow, and therefore not particularly concentrated?

All of that left me feeling pretty good, pretty certain that when I go in this afternoon, the beta will come back over 100. I've even dared to believe it might be a perfect doubling rate and hit 150.

And this morning. . .

I didn't get up to pee at 4 am as I've been doing. My boobs are not so tender. I mean, they are a little sensitive if you press them in the right spot, but they aren't sore and achey like they were all day yesterday.

Mind you, I know symptoms come and go and I pretty much seem to have either nausea or sore boobs, but not both. And nausea I have aplenty today. The feeling that my teeth were not clean made me queasy. I gagged while brushing my teeth but stopped short of vomiting (my teeth still didn't feel clean after five minutes of brushing). I had to choke down a muffin amidst queasiness and vague unsettled feelings that it wasn't a good idea. And truly, I've been having unpleasant rumblings and waves of nausea and have swallowed back lumps more than once already today. I'm still cramping - more pulling type sensations again.

And yet, I'm still terrified of going in, like my midwife will look at me and shake her head and say 'What on earth are you doing back? You clearly aren't pregnant.' I'm terrified that the beta will have gone up only slightly. I know it has to be over 30 to trigger a positive OPK, but I'm afraid that's it. I'm afraid the baby has already stopped developing and I'll either bleed soon or just continue unaware and pregnant until the u/s shows an empty uterus.

Right now, it's a choking sort of fear (which doesn't go well with the m/s). I'm so hopeful this is it and so afraid to feel any connection to this pregnancy, to this baby. We haven't named it yet, I'm too afraid. I'm so terrified history will repeat again and I will get bad news after feeling good about this one.

I don't know what will ease it or make it better. I know everything logically, but this is pure emotion. It isn't logical. I just keep praying every day - Lord God, you made the heavens and the earth. You made me and you made this baby and you alone can protect us both. Please God protect this child in my womb, let this be our healthy child, that grows safely in my womb and that we hold in our arms and raise in love to know you. Please God, don't take this one away from me too - you gave us this gift, please watch over us. Please God, fill me with peace and reassurance, show me that all is well, give me faith when I have none.

Please God.

Let's talk about CM, mmmmkay?

I'm having lots of very wet, white, creamy cm.

Yummy.

So much so that I am changing liners and underwear with a frequency which vaguely disturbs me. This is not something that happened in my other pregnancies and while I welcome the 'snail trail' as a symptom of pregnancy that is common and blissfully normal, it is thoroughly annoying.

Not least because I still think it's a sign I'm spotting or getting my period. I have to curtail the urge to run to the bathroom when I get a new gush of wetness and check. Hell, I have to curtail the urge to reach down my pants and check. I am still carefully inspecting the toilet paper, which has remained color free thankfully. It's all I can do not to shove my fingers up my vag to check my cervix and see if there is any internal spotting.

But since I am trying to live as fear free as possible and not do things that will make the ever-present paranoia worse, I try hard to avoid internal checks - which could lead to paranoia about the state of my cervix and could create the situation I'm so concerned about (ie, spotting from a disrupted cervix).

This would be much easier if I were not dripping fluid, no?

4 weeks!

This is another milestone we can check off. It seems silly, especially when I'm the earliest tester known to man, but to make it out of the first month and into the 4 week/week 5 mark feels like a small victory. We now have an officially missed period and have made it into week 5. YAY!

We're going out to celebrate with a nice dinner tonight. I feel sort of nervous about this, because we did the same with Chickadee, and it's SO early and I'm fearful. But . . . we have no reason think this one won't be our healthy baby. Symptoms are still present, though the nausea has calmed down a lot (maybe I've been getting enough sleep?), and we're moving ahead.

Here is to a reason to celebrate! We'll hope that Tuesday's numbers give us a reason to go get celebratory ice cream cones.

:head desk:

Sorry if this is muffled, but my head is remaining firmly face down on my desk.

I am in FAIL mode.

First - someone made a bet that I wouldn't be unable to stop myself from peeing on a stick yesterday morning. Not only did I NOT temp, I did NOT pee on a stick (or in a cup, like a cheater. I peed in the toilet like a big girl.).

I was so proud.

Naturally, I took a test when I got home. In the interests of science, of course. I figured out that the digitals OPKs have a higher sensitivity than the internet cheapies - meaning it takes more lh (or in this case, hcg) to trigger a positive result. I knew already I had a level of 25. So if the digital was positive, that would mean my hcg was up too.

(it was positive).

Being good this morning, I did not temp or pee again. I told myself I wouldn't pee on a stick tonight.

I even went so far as to drink extra water this afternoon and go pee at 4 pm. Cause see, we normally leave by 5:30 and get home and then I pee in a cup. This way, the urine wouldn't be concentrated enough, so it would be futile to pee on a stick (I know, I know, it's futile anyway, as it will say pregnant, at least for the next couple of days, even if all hcg stopped this instant).

Only now did I remember that DH is working late tonight. So all my plans - for naught. I'm still going to try really hard to wait (I'm certain I will take another test before Monday's beta), but I didn't do so well at making it harder for myself.

Meet Chicken Little

No, that isn't our nickname for the new baby.

It's my alter-ego.

Pleased to meet you. But, uh, forgive me if I don't shake hands with you right now - swine flu, and all. Sure you understand. And, actually, would you mind just stepping back another foot or so? Thanks.

Chicken Little is in full mode inside my head, squawking and flapping about and running around like mad. I look at my beta, right on target, just where I wanted (even though it doesn't much matter, as the doubling is the important thing and I know that), and think - but why isn't it higher? If I got a faint line on a less-sensitive test (ignoring the no line on the clinically sensitive test), then shouldn't it be higher? Why wasn't it higher? I saw other people who had b/w done on 11 dpo and theirs was way higher than that. How come? - As you see, Chicken Little completely ignores the central point that half of pregnant women who test at 11 dpo don't have enough hcg to even trigger a faint positive on a test, so I'm doing just fine to get a clear positive.

And then there are the symptoms. Chicken Little has me poking my boobs to see how sore they are and regretting that I didn't vomit into the sink this morning. Never mind that the boob soreness comes and goes throughout the day and my nipples are visibly more prominent and darker. Never mind that I don't like vomiting and have developed quite the willpower to avoid it over the course of my life. No no. Chicken Little says that my progesterone may be low, since I stopped taking the Vitex, which should have been boosting it. And I didn't have my progesterone checked and maybe I should have, because what if it is too low and I start to miscarry? I could have gotten a progesterone rx and maybe stopped it. Maybe I should call back and ask for additional bloodwork. - As you see, Chicken Little is driving me insane. I had a conversation with myself in which I said, "Self. Come on now. You know better than this. Symptoms come and go. They are not going to be exactly the same everyday, you know. And Self, do you feel the same way every day when you aren't pregnant? No! Some days you feel hungry or tired or happy or sad. Pregnancy is the same way and you know it!"

It doesn't much seem to matter. I tell myself everything I know and have repeatedly said to others. It makes very little difference. Chicken Little is still in there, flapping around. It's becoming quite exhausting. I find myself arguing with myself for extended periods of time. I find myself unable to relax or find much pleasure or joy in this. I hear Chicken Little saying, "It's still too early and so much can go wrong, and I'll relax when my period is late (that's today, btw) and when I get to 4 weeks, after the next beta comes back on schedule, after 5 weeks, after 6 weeks, after a h/b, after 9 weeks . . ." The question is obvious - will I ever relax into this and enjoy it?

I catch myself referring to the pregnancy, not the baby, as if that will provide some detachment should I lose this one too. I find myself not wanting to think about when the big u/s will be or talk about the edd or think about buying maternity clothes or whether it's a boy or girl.

Overall, I have a good instinctual feeling about this pregnancy that I didn't have with the other two. It feels good, despite my constant worrying. But you know me, not so good with the hoping, this one. I read and repeat the Success After Loss mantras that I saved long ago. I repeat to myself the things I've said many times to others and which I know to be true myself - you cannot shake a good pregnancy, and you cannot keep a bad pregnancy. Nothing I can do right now can change the course of this pregnancy. Worrying will not change the outcome of this pregnancy. What will be, will be. Even with my history, the odds are on my side (although . . . I've always been on the wrong side of the odds - a .04 % chance of a cervical ectopic, ffs). My previous history doesn't determine the success of this pregnancy. We will have the child we are supposed to have.

It buys me limited time only. Chicken Little is still in there . . .

(And please, please don't tell me not to worry. It's not that simple. If I could turn it off, I would. I'm driving myself, my husband, my mother, my friends crazy with this. There isn't an off switch.)