Much better day.

First - Fibercon worked. The box said that it would work in 12 to 72 hours. I went to bed at 8:00 after dozing on the couch for an hour. Within two hours, I was in pain, and went to the bathroom and lawzy, did I poop. We'll suffice it to say I visited the bathroom three times overnight and the scale was over 2 pounds lighter this morning. Yeah, for real.

Second - I tried harder to eat more, even when it seemed gross, and it really did help. I think that the overwhelming amount of sleep made the nausea easier and the food aversions less severe. Or they are just tapering off. Dunno. Still have food aversions and still had nausea today, both before and after eating, but it was a far cry from yesterday's horrifyingness.

Third - I got the big thing done that had to be done. My list for Monday is godawful, but I really feel good about getting this done. My confidence in myself and my job performance has taken a real hit since I got a very mediocre review and pregnancy brain hasn't helped matters at all, nor has feeling so sick and being worried it's affecting my job performance. So getting this done was a big boost to my ego. I needed it. Now I just need to buckle down Monday and move through my list.

Bad, bad day.

Spotting - reddish (knew it was probably from yesterday, still frustrating). Nausea. No breakfast. Desperate plea for food. DH brought a cheeseburger which made me gag. Don't even mention the fries (they weren't touched). Pregnancy brain, work meltdown, tears shed in my office.

And then. Then.

Cramps. Awful, clinching, ripping uterine cramps. Horrible. Painful. Terrifying. Reminded me of the cramps I had on misoprostol.

Went to the bathroom, no signs of bleeding. Back to office. Subsides, but sudden urge to vomit came on. Made it back to the bathroom, vomit up earlier cheeseburger. Cramps return. Feel more to the right now (cyst issue? constipation? still having some uterine cramps). Lay down on couch in bathroom for awhile. Doesn't help. Go back to office, nearly double over in pain. Gasp to coworker that I'm having bad cramps and plan to shut my door and lay down on the floor.

Do that. Call DH, starting to feel a little panicky. This is eerily familiar and scary and awful. Still no signs of bleeding. Lay there, talk to him as he tries to make me calm and rational. Feel a little better, roll onto my side and feel immediately a LOT better. Still no signs of bleeding. Start to think maybe this isn't the beginning of a miscarriage, and sit up. Eventually move back to chair.

Friends say I may be dehydrated. Start to say no, and realize, actually probably yes. On their advice, start gulping back water. Drink two and a half glasses in the next 30 minutes and feel way better. Still have a sore spot towards the right. Constipation is suggested - possible. Eating habits (lack thereof, really as I have aversions to 96% of food items available) discussed.

Day continues, but I am still having aches and heaviness and fullness. Figure that I could stomach some chicken and roasted potatoes and french onion soup, so we stop and buy them. I did eat the chicken, though it was close. Potatoes were good, but I fill up quickly these days, so only ate a few of them. Haven't touched the soup yet, will eat some later tonight. Also stopped and bought some Fibercon to help with the constipation. God, I hope it works.

I don't want to relive this day again. One of the worst things? Thinking during the cramping that today should be 9w1d for the chickie and just how unlucky that has been for us. I tried my best to stay calm and not completely lose my shit, and I was partially successful. Still - like I said - be happy with never again, really. Hopefully, the worst is behind us and I will focus on trying my best to stay totally hydrated in future. I never realized the dehydration cramps would be that severe. Sort of like the heartburn vise in my chest that I was concerned was the beginning of a heart attack. It's nuts. I thought I knew a lot about pregnancy, and I guess I do, but I never realized quite how bad or painful it could be.

Midwife appointment was good!

Whew. So I moved up my appointment so the midwife could assess the dilation and cervical length/thickness in person and advise from there.

I was nervous going in, but coming out, I felt great.

She was very reassuring in general and specifically regarding the cervix. Length and thickness are good. The dilation is only at the tip and not inconsistent with having had a dilated cervix before. At this point, given no bleeding (at this time), no cramping, so signs of shortening or thinning, she thinks there is no cause for concern, but we will continue to be vigilant. She's going to request that they do a cervical check at the same time as the NT scan for reassurance, and we'll check again at the big anatomical scan and if there are any warning signs we'll do pelvic exams as needed.

No h/b on doppler which was unsurprising, but also unconcerning, since we just saw the baby's strong h/b on Saturday. She said we should definitely hear something by the next appointment, and I could come in sooner if I felt concerned, but that since we're planning the NT scan, it probably wouldn't be necessary, because we'll see the baby on u/s then.

Blood pressure was good, heartrate was good (both are usually elevated in a clinical setting, even on with flowery quilts). Urine dip was fine. No blood draws this time, to both our relief. Weight is down at least 7 pounds - 10 by my scale at home.

Overall, I felt very reassured when I left, and feel much more relaxed and happy about this pregnancy again. I know specifically what to watch out for, and feel calmer about everything. What a relief.

Who is the shrieky woman and where is my poo?

First, here is what I ate today: Golden Grahams and milk for breakfast. Vitamins with 4 oz of cranberry-grape juice. Grande non-fat hot chocolate. Serving of Easy Mac. Three handfuls of Gardetto's mix.

I'm telling you that to set the stage. All together . . . it's really not a lot, you know? I don't have any appetite this week. I truly cannot think of a single thing I really want to eat. Just lots of stuff I don't want to eat.

But I started feeling really nauseated by about 5:00. And by 5:45 when we finally left . . . I was feeling weird. Shaky, very nauseated, near vomiting and utterly convinced I needed food as quickly as possible. I realized that the above was not enough, especially since there was zero protein in that combo. The nearby options were very limited, and McDonald's had stayed down well, so there we went. The drive through was at least 10 cars long, so DH hopped out and went inside. I requested small fries to share and two plain cheeseburgers.

What seemed like hours later - all the cars and more had perversely been through the drive through and gone - DH comes back. Peeks in the bag and said, "Huh. Looks like they gave you double cheeseburgers. Oh, and no fries. Crap."

I feel really awful at this point and am starting to shake. But double cheeseburgers . . . that is pushing it, both on the grease, fat and gross level and on the inundated with calories level. I feel a little neurotic as I ask with a desparate edge to my voice, "How the hell can you fucking screw up fucking cheeseburgers? CHEESEBURGERS? Fucking plain cheeseburgers? And no fries? What the everloving fuck?"

Dh looks a little wary and says he can go back in if I want, but it looks like they didn't charge him for the fries. Do I want the fries? I feel tears in my eyes, and I feel really bloody awful and I say, "I don't know, I don't know" (have I ever mentioned that when it comes to decision making when I feel bad or upset, I'm fucking useless? I totally am). Dh is now giving me a side eye and shrinking as far into the corner of his seat as he can when he asks what I would like for him to do about this situation.

Suddenly, bile rising, hands shaking, I turn and SHRIEK - and I mean shriek like a crazy cat lady with strange kids on her lawn - "I DON'T FUCKING CARE WHAT THE FUCK YOU DO BUT GIVE ME SOME GODDAMNED FOOD THIS INSTANT." Wide-eyed, DH hands me double cheeseburger, muttering under his breath something about crazy bitch and hormones. He's forgiven though, because I just shrieked at him over fucking McDonald's fries and cheeseburgers.

I shoved that damn cheeseburger down my throat in about a minute and instantly felt better. Dh did go get fries, and I ate a few bites out of the other burger, and DH finished it. I felt vomity for awhile, but now ok.

However, it did occur to me that I cannot recall the last time I pooped. I started having some uncomfortable cramps on the left side near my ute (but too high) and recognized that as likely to be constipation related. God knows greens, vegetables, fruits and fibers sure have not been part of my diet in the last six weeks. I try to get all of these as I can, but really . . . no. Do drink lots of water, but I suspect, with my reduced fruit and vegetable intake, it's likely only just keeping my hydrated and isn't enough to really help the constipation issue.

So I am sitting here drinking Kals' Shit Cocktail which works for me more often than not - has only failed me once - and hoping it helps. I imagine that my intestines look like they are covered in tar and there isn't enough to really bind the poop together and work it on it's way. No seriously, I've been pondering that as an actual pictorial image in my head for about 10 minutes now, as I sip the sour lemony goodness that I pray brings me relief. Raisins are next up on the list, I suppose. Maybe some applesauce, which doesn't sound as bad as it might on a normal day. Baring that, tomorrow I'll pick up som Colace.

So there you have it, pregnancy continuing to wreak havoc on me and change my personality in ways that frighten my husband.

Whew.

Today has been a lot better.

Nausea has not been nearly as bad (maybe it was the McDonald's last night?? tasted good and stayed down!) today, which is great. Food aversions abound though, and there is truly very, very little I am at all inclined to eat. Fun times, yo.

I slept very well last night - very involved dreams, but I can't remember them at all.

I felt a feeling of peace come over me this morning, a feeling that all will be well. I don't know for certain whether or not that is really true or quite where it comes from, but I am grateful for at least a small restoration of peace in my spirit.

I talked with the mw last night and she listened to my concerns and explained a little about why she isn't concerned but took me seriously and agrees that following up is the right move. I'm going to see her tomorrow for an exam, and she is going to request the records from the ER so she can read the u/s report and get a better sense of the cervical length (which is the bigger indicator of incompetant cervix). I also got a couple of good recommendations for OB's who DO take my insurance, so I'm ready to go for a second opinion or to transfer care if it is necessary. Not my first choice, but obviously, the health and safety of the baby is the top priority.

So, there is some relief in feeling like I've got at least the beginning of a plan, in some form of action and hopefully reassurance. If nothing else, keeping a monitoring eye on it is comforting.

So thanks for all the thoughts, wishes, and prayers. We're moving along. I am 9.5 weeks and the little chicken should be catching up to 9 weeks as well soon. Just moving right along.

Still trucking. Barely.

1. I'm beginning to feel mildly better about the events of Saturday. This is aided by the spotting being just about gone and no unusual cramping or pain to speak of. However, I am totally terrified by the dilation thing. Even though they said it was probably ok, I'm researching cervical insufficiency and trying to figure out how best to keep an eye on the dilation and get it treated (usually with cerclage and bedrest) if necessary. I have a call in to discuss further with the MW and will see what she says and have spent some time looking for an OB that I can see for a second opinion if necessary. I'm trying to be positive, but it's terrifying. Cervical incompetancy is a diagnosis that is generally made after a loss. At least I have a heads up that there may be a potential issue, so it can be monitored and that is what I am trying to focus on. It doesn't help that the signs are literally - vaginal bleeding or spotting, increased discharge - possibly mucuosy, and abdominal pressure. Well, had the weird bleeding, and now feel pressure and notice discharge, but how much of that is hyper-awareness? Trying not to jump the gun here, but . . . well . . . I sort of suck at that.

2. In more reassuring news, vomit. Everywhere. We went out to the Melting Pot and I got my mushrooms and things were pretty good. As soon as we left I started feeling warm and flushed. About halfway home I realized I was going to vomit, the question was when (I was driving). I made it home (with lots of muttered prayers and invectives) and into the back door, stripped, got into the bathroom where my husband handed me a bucket and . . . up came the expensive lunch and the breakfast I'd consumed hours earlier. Very little stayed down.

This morning didn't seem promising, though the Golden Grahams I chanced stayed down. Later on, I tried a muffin and some v8 fusion. Eventually the fusion came back up, though the muffin appears to have settled far enough down that it's going to stay there. For now. And I have officially vomited at work. Yeehaw.

3. I decided, in a weird, round about sort of logical way, that fuck it all, I am not changing my fucking tickers. I don't believe that I got a pregnancy test at 5 dpo, which means that though the little chicken may have taken her sweet time dividing cells or whatever, I have been pregnant for this length of time and damn it, I want some fucking credit for it. I am mindful that the chicken is not quite in line with my ticker, but hell, it's all a guessing game anyway. The chicken could be born at 37 weeks or at 42 weeks, and these four days or so really won't make a big difference. So the hell with it, even if it's just to make myself feel better, I am relieved to be beyond 9w1d, and Friday, the chicken will have hit that benchmark too. Good Enough For Me. It seemed pointless to relive that time given the fact that I have been pregnant this whole time. So why bother?

You know what? I'm angry.

I'm angry that the clot thing happened. I'm angry that I was ripped out of the place of peace I'd reached, and that the happiness and lack of fear I'd finally found are taken away. I'm angry that the baby only measured 8.5 weeks, and that I have to relive that stressful period of the end of 8 weeks and the beginning of 9 weeks all over again. I'm angry that I can't just take comfort and be relieved to know that the baby is ok.

I'm angry that I couldn't see the h/b on the u/s myself and that I didn't get a good look at the baby - it feels like relying on someone else's words. I'm angry that the ER staff might think I just wanted another u/s or something. I'm angry that I was starting to feel good and feel ready to work out and now I am not supposed to. I'm angry I have 4.5 weeks until the end of first tri, not 4 weeks. I'm angry that my calmness is shattered and that I am back to feeling total terror and analyzing every single thing.

I'm angry that the ER said threatened miscarriage and that my history could mean things weren't ok. I've never lost a healthy baby. In fact, I've always been told that my body is very good at hanging onto pregnancies, even well past their expiration dates or abnormalities. It's been one of the few comforts of this pregnancy - thinking that as long as everything was ok with the baby, we were in the clear. Now, it's in the back of my head that my body may not work the way it should and may betray us into a miscarriage or pre-term birth. I'm angry that they put that thought in my head and I'm angry that I can't get it out. I'm angry that I am now overanlyzing every twinge and cramp and feeling of pressure, with a sick feeling of waiting for the cramps to become regular and for the contractions to start which will end this all.

I'm angry that I don't think I can adequately explain how terrifying that very big, very red clot out of absolutely nowhere (I was napping, ffs) was, and so it might seem like I was overreacting. I'm angry that the terror won't go away. I'm angry that I'm back in a scared, frightened place and that this time, I don't know when I will come out of it. I was out of it before. And now . . . I'm not.

It's bloody fucking infuriating, actually. I feel so helpless and so fragile, and I'm fucking livid that that was thrust on me when I was finally feeling strong and secure. I want my peace back, but instead, I'm examining the toilet paper closely (still some light staining) and googling to find info about an open cervix (which I don't recommend, as it's pretty grim overall).

We were supposed to be celebrating our making it past the minefield date at lunch today - and filling my cravings - and instead, I'm reliving that fucking time again and I don't want to leave the house, honestly. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.