Hope

Yesterday evening, as we stood outside and swirling, big, fluffy flakes of snow danced around us, I felt great. Happy, hopeful, positive, and peaceful. This felt like a sign. A sign that something good is about to happen.

I still felt that way this morning. And everyone agreed - there is something in the air. Naturally, my first thought is of pregnancy, but really, I don't think there is any sort of link. I just feel like something good is coming.

When I think about pregnancy though - I feel my heart start beating faster and I feel something that is between hope and panic. Ten minutes ago, I was thinking how peaceful and hopeful I feel about our chances this cycle. Last night I felt really, really good - probably linked with whatever excitement was in the air - but I really had this moment of 'oh, yes! this is it!' and further a moment of ' if this is it, I feel good about it. Not nervous. I feel like if this is it, this one is ok.'

Now? I feel discouraged and anxious and as if I'm boarding a roller coaster. I made the mistake of comparing charts and pregnancy signs. Even looking back at my pregnancy chart, as if there is some preset formula for how one feels in a pregnancy cycle. Sigh. It's not the same, and I feel downhearted. I so want to be pregnant right now, pregnant with Chickadee, or pregnant again. I want to be back in that hopeful place.

I wish last night's serenity and joy would fill me again. I need that hope back. I don't pray much anymore; I've been too angry. But I find myself repeating a litany in my head - and it's not just words, there is a yearning and a reaching out - a litany of "Please God, please God, let this be it. Let this be my sticky, healthy, growing baby. Please God, please God, let this be it." Over and over.