Torture.

I have been debating about whether or not to post this here or not.

But I think I need to after all. If it comes to nothing, it's no worse than anything else, right? And I can look back and remember this as a cautionary tale, I suppose.

So, as I pointed out earlier, I was feeling pretty spectacularly depressed. I spent some time talking via email with my friend Mandi about how I was feeling and it really helped to dissipate some of the negative feeling (thanks, Mandi!).

I talked more with DH on the way home. I think all of that helped. But when I got home, I had to pee. I tossed it over in my mind and decided to take one more test. We bought extra FRER and a pack of Target brand yesterday, since I had used all the other FRER. I still had a couple of $tree tests around too. I decided to use those, since I figured we'd buy more over Christmas with easy access to one anyway.

Let me be clear. I was expecting a negative. I just felt like I wanted to come to terms with it and see it one more time. Maybe that is masochistic, I don't know. But it felt like resolution and acceptance.

I peed in the cup, did the test, set it down and deliberately left it in the bathroom (instead of staring at it for the entire 10 minute window, straining to see a second line). Hopped on the internet to check my email and promptly forgot about the test until I went to pee over two hours later.

Let's be explicitly clear for any readers that are not fanatic devotees of peeonastick.com or peestick junkies like me - ANY test read after the 10 minute time limit (unless the limit is otherwise specified) is negative. The results are invalid. As I said to a poster on BOTB yesterday asking about a possible evap line - the test could grow legs and dance a jig whilst delivering a singing telegram announcing your newly pregnant state and it would STILL be negative, because the results are being read after the time limit. There are lots of scientific reasons and explanations for this, which can find at the aforementioned website if you are so inclined.

However, I looked at the test and there was a clear (though faint) second pink line.

A negative second pink line, of course, but I could not deny its existence, nor could DH when I showed the test to him.

My exact thoughts were:

"Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. Evap line. I've had evaps on Dollar Tree tests before, even colored evap lines. Only, that's more definite than the colored evap lines I've seen. Doesn't fucking matter, because it's invalid. Well, shit. What the fuck do I do now? Fuck fuck fuck. I have to take another fucking test. Because I need to know now. It'll be a clear negative. Then I can get back to screaming about the injustice of it all and how much my body hates me. Oh, gross, I forgot to throw the pee out. Well, at least I can do another test, right? Fuck."

Then I had to decide what test to take. Those thoughts went like this:

"Another $tree? That might risk another evap line like this. That would be dumb, idiot. I have two other brands. Only I don't want to waste another FRER. It might give me an answer - but itis going to be negative, so why bother with it? Just take the Target brand - that's why you got them anyway. Yeah. Then it'll be negative, and you can let this go."

So I pull it out, double check the directions on how long to stick it in the cup (it's different for each test). Take it out with me and watch it. At about 2 minutes I can see where the line should be. At 4 minutes I think I see a line. Only it's dark in my chair and I can't be sure, and the whole window is still kind of blue. At 8 minutes, it's still there. So I get up, head over to Jason and decent light, and yeah, I see it. At book distance, no twisting or turning. Faint. But there. I hand it to him, expecting him to tell me I'm imagining things. I don't say anything, just hand it to him and he immediately says "I see a line. But it's really light. Not sure what color it is."

-Sidebar: The color of the line is important in determining a faint positive from an evap line. If the line is gray rather than pink or blue, you can be pretty sure it's an evap. I have occasionally gotten colored evap lines that were proven to be evaps by my period showing up. But usually, a faint line that is visible at book distance, in normal light without squinting, twisting, or turning, and is the same color (in the time limit) is a positive.

So yeah. The line is still there, and as the remainder of the blue dye faded, it became apparent that it is a blue line. Very faint, but very there.

I do not know what this means. I mean, I know what a positive pregnancy test generally means. But in this particular instance . . . my temp dropped. It was an open circle, because I took it over an hour early because I had to be at work when I normally temp. Even if I adjust according to the standard formula - it's still a big drop. I have had spotting. Granted, it was very, very light brown and it stopped, but there is still light brown present. I wouldn't call it spotting at this moment, so much as stained cm. I don't feel like I have other symptoms of pregnancy (though I'm still gassy).

It is so hard not to take another test, but I don't want to deal with another negative right now (though that was indeed the original purpose of the tests). I don't want to deal with faint lines. I did do an OPK, but it was inconclusive. Darker than the last one I did, but not positive. Shrug.

It could be a chemical pregnancy and I will go on to have my period. It could be evap lines - yes, even on two different brands of tests. It could be that I am pregnant but I implanted later than I would have imagined or have slow developing HCG (which is a whole nother can of worms when it comes to miscarriage threats).

No way to know. So I'm trying to quickly learn this virtue that is not in my possession called patience. My feeling is this. I have 6 FRER tests. I don't want to waste one. If I want to test accurately, I have to hold my urine for 3-4 hours, without taking in a lot of fluid, so that it is nice and dilute. I'm not interested in that, and it would be late anyway when I could test. If I wait until morning, it will happen naturally, and also, that would be a full 14-16 hours for more HCG to develop and work it's way into my urine, and thus give me a more definitive test. Or, I will continue to spot or start full bleeding. My period is due anytime now.

So if I can hold out, I could potentially give myself an answer or save some grief.

This is torture. DH is trying hard to be supportive rather than smug, but he clearly wants to say "I told you so." Instead, he's settled for "I've said for three days, I'll believe you might be pregnant until your period shows up." It's sweet of him, really.

Someone is going to have a good laugh at all my emo bullshit if this turns out to be pregnancy. I of course won't be relaxed until I know what is going on more definitively. And until I know it's viable.

Torture.