Rough morning.

This is hitting harder/hurting more than I expected.

I'll be ok. If nothing else, I'll be too distracted by the holidays to brood. It's mostly disappointing (even though we're not quite through yet, I can't have any more hope. It's exhausting and it makes things hurt more). Even if I know logically how things should end up, it hurts, you know?

I feel like a failure. I'm back to feeling down, and wondering if I've caused this somehow. I know logically, what the answer to that is. Emotionally, I feel to blame. I feel like a failure as a woman and as a wife and mother.

It's hard.

It's not helped by the fact that a gazillion other things have gone wrong this morning. It's not helped by the fact that thinking about everything that needs to be accomplished before 3:00 Christmas Eve is giving me a serious headache and fluttery feelings of stress overload and panic. I have not yet bought a single Christmas gift for my husband. Normally, I give thoughtful, well planned gifts. This year, I will be a fraud as a wife and grab some stuff. He'll probably get gift cards. And I can't even give him hope that we will ever be pregnant and carry a healthy baby. Instead, I can give him a chemical pregnancy and a miscarriage and a lot of doubt.

It's a bitter taste in my mouth right now.

I'm hopeful that things will turn around this afternoon. I have to play cheerful for our staff lunch, so I will, and hopefully playing so will make me feel more that way. I broke down and told one coworker about this situation because of the need to talk to someone about it in person (other than DH), but also in explanation of why we are backing out of going drinking tonight. I can't, in good conscience do it, because of the possibility, however remote at this point, that I might be pregnant. And there is too much to do. Always too much to do.

Bitter, stressed out, tired. And no rest in site. Things will cool off some after the 26th, but no rest for the weary and sad. No, I have to sleep either on the futon or floor for the next 10 or so days and the very thought makes me want to weep with vexation, because honestly? All I want is to waste the holiday break at my home, in my bed, with cable and internet and just be blissfully left alone to sleep and cry and recover from the last few months.

Update:

Lunch was loverly and I am stuffed to the gills with yummy expensive food. I feel like I could sleep for days. So freaking exhausted. Having to pee every hour hasn't helped. Bleeding is extremely slow now, just a shade above spotting really. I know there might still be some hope, but I'm trying to ignore it. I know, how cynical and pessimistic of me. But since I expect a lighter test tonight, it seems like the way to best prepare for what seems to be inevitable.