Bitterness

Sigh.

It was my own fault. The thread was clearly titled, and I opened it anyway. Inside was a story about a young girl, 11 years old, in fact, who gave birth to her new daughter on her wedding day (she was being married to the 19 year old who impregnated her at the age of 10). She referred to her 'new toy' and talked about how she was dropping out of school because she is a mother now.

I got hot, then cold, then felt tears pressing against my eyes.

What was I feeling in that moment? Anger. At the universe for a shitty exchange in which I lose a child and an eleven year old has a perfect child. At the family of the child who thought the correct thing was to marry off an eleven year old to the man who raped her when she was 10 (even though it sounds consensual, a ten year old is not capable of making that decision). Sadness. That Gabriel is gone, that I don't know if I will ever have a child. That this young girl is now a mother, that this poor child is unlikely to be raised well and supported. Jealousy. Yes, jealousy that this child has a living, healthy daughter and that I have a dead son. Disgust, that I would have even an ouce of jealousy towards this tragic situation. Bitterness about it all.

I do not want to feel that way. I do not choose to be that way.

I do not know how to stop feeling that way. I hate it.

I can direct my actions, I can choose my words, but I can't stop the feelings from rushing over me.

Would that I could.