Wednesday, November 11, 2009

No SHG this cycle

It took two phone calls (from me) before I finally got the word that in fact they were unable to schedule the necessary equipment during the window when the test has to be performed.

I was both angry and really bummed out. Dr. B said that we could start ttc as soon as these tests were done (provided they didn't reveal something major). We are ready to start again. I think it is necessary for our healing to start again, to show that faith again, and certainly for us to reconnect again.

But since there is no shg, that means that trying to conceive is not a good idea. While I really don't think there is a structural issue (or we wouldn't have gotten so far with Gabriel without something showing up in there), we can't say for certain without doing the test.

And now that is going to be pushed back to December, and the nurse mentioned that if we were really looking at mid-December, the doctor would be out of town. Which would mean January. And if there is something found that requires attention - even more time.

The delays are pretty frustrating. Particularly when we don't think there is anything structurally wrong. But . . . neither are we comfortable going ahead when the doctor is advising that we do these tests first. The blood testing is done and I think that is the point at which we are most likely to find a culprit and that is done.

It's a difficult place to be. We want to move forward. I know that I will not feel complete until I have a living child in my arms. I likewise know that a living child will not replace Gabriel or be Gabriel or make it ok that Gabriel is dead. So it's not like trying to conceive is a way of avoiding dealing with his death. But it was a difficult decision to make and a hard place to reach, knowing what lies ahead of us. We know it will be a difficult road emotionally and probably physically and we know there is absolutely zero guarantee of an outcome that we hope for. But we have decided that we are going ahead anyway and to have reached that place mentally and be told that we are so close to being able to move forward, to getting mentally ready and psyched up for this and then having to stop and reconsider. . .

"If 'twere to be done, then it is best done quickly." I don't want to lose my nerve or leave time for lots of questions that we'll never have an answer to because we can't see the future. It's a cliff we have to jump off and hope the bungee cord doesn't fail and the longer we wait, the harder it starts to look and the more room you leave for fear to paralyze you. Frustrating is the word I continue to return to.

I really wanted this to happen. I wanted it to be done and to be beyond it and not have another test hanging over us with another questionmark. But, like Gabriel's death, it is the hand I've been dealt, so that is the hand I'll play.


Tamsyn said...

I'm sorry that you have to wait until the New Year to TTC, but - maybe you can look at it in terms of a fresh year, a fresh start..?

You might also feel better about conceiving once Gabriel's due date is behind you... Will be thinking of you then.

therootofallevel said...

while i was giving birth one of the nurses asked me if this was my first baby. my response was "yessssssssssss, and my ooooooonnnnnlyyyy" because the pain, HOLY SHIT! but when he was born dead i knew that very SECOND that i wanted to try this again. i couldn't live my life being a motherless child.

you write this so beautifully and i completely understand.

just take this time to enjoy the hub, enjoy endless bottles of wine (if you're a drinker) and know that when your time comes, you will be knocked up again. who knows, maybe we'll get to take the wild ride together. i'm sure we would make a great team!