Monday, January 18, 2010

The biggest ass in the world.

I started spotting last night. Faint, but I knew at that moment.

In that moment, looking at pink on the toilet paper, I felt the biggest wave of shame and embarrasment I've felt in a long time.

The tests this morning confirm it in big bold letters: Not Pregnant.

Spotting has continued, symptoms have disappeared, I expect my period at any time today.

Chemical pregnancy.

Now all I need is a third term stillbirth and I complete the pregnancy loss card.

Too bad the only prizes here are self-loathing and shame for having ever opened my mouth (as it were), for having one second of hope this would work for us, for daring to believe.

I cried as hard as I've cried in months last night. I feel like such a failure. I feel like a moron. I feel like I have let my husband down. The only thing I want more in the world than to be a mother to a living child is to make him the father of one.

Instead I have ashes in my mouth and a black hole of bitterness welling up inside me. Maybe later I can think about how many pregnancies end so early and how it's not my fault or something. Right now all I can think about is how hurt I feel because this is just fucking mean. I could have dealt with not being pregnant this cycle. That's fine. But to make me go through that agony of inconclusive tests, and then this? It is so unnecessary. So cruel.

I am wondering what I did to make the universe or God or who the fuck ever do this. I can't believe things are just random, because then I'd have better odds than this bullshit.

I'm planning to call the doctor anyway, if for no other reason than to get a prescription for Zoloft. It is clear to me that I am not ready to come off anti-depressants and I am not going to attempt this again without a prescription I can take uninterrupted.

For now though, I'm going to go beg the earth to swallow me up instead of trying how to figure out how to tell a group of lovely people on the internet who have wished me well that I was just kidding, apparently.

15 comments:

therootofallevel said...

i'm so sorry, e. so, sorry.

Stephanie Snowe said...

The lovely people on the interent LOVE YOU DEARLY and want this for you more than we can even say.

I'm choking up at how awful this is. I wish I could do anything to make this better for you.

The Writer Chic said...

The people on the Intetet are going to cry right along with you, and hold your hand through this, just like always.

I'm so, so, so sorry you are going through this awful heartache.

hulalula said...

I'm so, so sorry

Alyssa said...

I am so sorry.

bbjoys said...

I am so sorry, eas. There are no words to describe how sorry I am. I am crying with you. ::hugs::

MSC from GP said...

You were NOT kidding and you shouldn't feel foolish for a single moment. You've had another loss and that's a horrible thing to go through. We're here to support you no matter what--I'm glad you told us.

((HUGS))

Rebecca said...

I'm sorry. Life is cruel and I am really angry for you right now.

Ibis said...

I'm so sorry. I think I had a c/p last February and I remember the torture of the confusing testing and hoping. *hugs*

Tena said...

Oh no. I am so, so sorry for your loss. (hug)

Diana said...

I am so sorry. That really, really sucks. You don't deserve to go through this. I don't know what else to say besides that I think you are such a strong woman and your husband is so blessed to have you in his life, regardless of whether or not you have his children.

JGirl2005 said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

shotzie said...

I'm so sorry, eas. ((Hugs))

Terri said...

I am so, so, so incredibly sorry :(

Pollett Family said...

Coming out of internet lurkdom to add-
We adore you and are heartbroken along with you at having to face another sh!tty thing.
Big hugs...