Sunday, January 24, 2010

Feeling discouraged.

I just feel sort of downcast, like the fates are against us.

Little things, like, oh, all the unsuccessful pregnancies and the complications stacked against us. Like the chemical pregnancy (and the fact I'm still spotting a week later). Like the fact that I optimistically ordered more vitamins and vitex, and a new box of 20 digital opk's. And the vitamins aren't here a week later and I'm running out of folic acid and vitex and the opk's arrived and they screwed up the shipment and sent me a box of 7 instead of a box of 20, and time is not on my side much longer.

I just begin to feel frustrated at being in this situation again. I hate the wondering and the worrying and the nail-biting. I hate the fact that if things go normally, I'll miss October as a potential due date entirely. And that we're running out of time to have a baby in 2010 at all. Why that matters, I've no idea.

Further complicating the swirling thoughts and emotions everytime I think on this for very long is the thoughts of what next? What if we can't get pregnant with a baby that sticks around longer than a few weeks? What if we get pregnant with a baby that dies too, because my body fails again?

And there aren't a whole lot of answers. Adoption, possibly. But we are nowhere near the point of being able to consider it, financially. And we are not ideal candidates, both of us having had mental health problems in past, me being as fat as I am. And unfortunately, as related to infertility, we don't have a whole lot more luck, because while there are ample fertility treatments and protocols out there, many of them relate more to sperm meets egg than to retaining a pregnancy. We're already working on the pregnancy part, so that leaves us with few options. Honestly a gestational surrogate is about all that's left and while we are both open to the idea, the cost is well beyond our means right now, and possibly for years to come.

And you know what is the worst part? The things that swirl into my heart that I'm afraid to say. The whispered answers to questions like "Can you be happy without children?" and "Is this life with DH enough for you or not?" and "How many more losses until you've had enough?" and "How much pain are you willing to take?" and "If this goes on and on, how will it affect your relationships?" Questions to which I do not have answers or am afraid of what the answers may be.

I wish, not for the first time, that I had a crystal ball and the ability to see into the future. Because I cannot consider not trying to have children, not while we still have some hope that I can do it and no hope we can afford the alternatives. But for the first time, I feel truly hesitant. I really wonder if we are doing the right thing and how we will feel in the end. Which, really depends on the ending, doesn't it? Easy to see it as worth it all if we hold our child in our arms. Easy to wish we'd stopped sooner and saved ourselves the hassle if we can never be parents to living children.

It's hard to have faith that this will happen for us, but we're still moving ahead.


Rebecca said...

I'm the kind of realist who used to throw around the phrase, "my worst fear is blah blah blah." Now, I've learned that I can fret and worry over a million horrible possibilities, but I don't even want to know what my worst fear is. I likely don't know it yet. And that starts a whole loop of dangerous thoughts playing in my head about losing my husband, my son, my mom, my sister....all of them. Who knows. I guess this probably isn't helping much. But, anyway, you're not alone in your thoughts. I'm hoping you've realized your worst fears and you will successfully carry a pregnancy to term and deliver a healthy baby. I know I've been lurking and rooting for that. By the way, I, too, have a false time constraint on myself of 2010 for my next living baby. This is the first time I've said it "out loud" because I don't think I realized it until I read it on your blog. Wishing you better days ahead.

B said...

why it matters about 2010 being a potential due date? i get that. it's the thought of getting to New Year's Eve and feeling like the entirety of the last year has been wasted. I already feel like every year since getting with my husband has, in childbearing terms, been one gigantic waste of time.

it matters. i think i understand.

last year i got to the stage where we either needed to start trying, or accept that it was never going to happen for us. and back then, i would've been ok with that. but now. having seen my first child on that screen at nearly 12 weeks. watching it moving around so very much. having loved it without reserve and abandon. i have to try again. i have to give this my best shot. but already, i'm terrified that history will repeat and lightning will destroy me once more.

but i still have to try again.

all i'm trying to say is, i can relate.