So I've had a little time to let it sink in. At first I had a huge grin plastered to my face. We were happy last night, and I was a little teary. Today has been one long pendulum swing from excitement to sheer, unadulterated terror.
I'm happy. This is what we wanted. Or if we'd deluded ourselves about that, we did a damn fine job. While I knew it would be hard, this first 24 hours has me quailing about how the next few weeks (I cannot see beyond that yet) will go.
I'm grateful for the friends who have been readily available to talk me down the past couple of days; otherwise, I might be climbing the walls by now. I just want to know what comes next, I want to prepare - either for an ending or for a beginning. It's all I can do not to google awful things, not to take another test, not to compare the lines, not to read too much into things.
I'm trying hard to stay calm and think of anything else, not let myself be consumed by this to the exclusion of sanity. After all, I have a ton to do next week at work and that needs to be my focus, not this thing over which I have no control.
* * * * *
DH had to work today. That wasn't great for me. I wanted him here with me, to hug me and reassure me, to stop me from spinning out and letting my imagination run wild.
After my friend Tam spent an hour (or, uh, so) talking me down, I decided I needed to set aside the laptop for the evening, and take my mind of things. Pull out a project (the blanket I've recently undug to work on, completely coincidentally to ttc again, or perhaps one of my fairytale cross-stitch pieces that have sat idle for years now, maybe even paint). Something handsy, anyway.
I picked up Dh and threw out my plan - yummy dinner, another go at the apple bread for eating tomorrow, a snuggle and a movie while I work. Perfect!
And he sadly reminded me of his plans to go out this evening with some friends to a going away party. Right. Completely forgot. I never intended to go, as I have never been close to this woman and am kind of trying to avoid someone who would be there. It's awful of me, but I can't quite bring myself to put myself in her company right now. She's just too liable to say exactly the wrong thing and leave me crying or steaming, and so I'm keeping our interactions to the innocuous and superficial and electronic for now.
So we had dinner (it was scrumptious). He offered to set me up with a movie, but I demurred. It was less a movie I needed than a distraction. Than him. He offered to stay, but I said no again. He needs to get out on his own sometimes.
So before he left, he gave me an enormous hug and cupped my face in his hands and said, "Honey, I know you are worried and fretful. But I want you to repeat after me." I rolled my eyes, but took a deep breath. "DH is the most wonderful, awesome husband in the world." I laughed and said that was hardly helpful. Looking smug, he raised his eyebrows and said, "Maybe, but I made you laugh and you can't worry when you laugh."
* * * * *
The poor doggie is never happy when one of us leaves without him, and he seemed especially unhappy about DH leaving. Probably picking up on my mood.
We crated him temporarily while DH left and I let him out about 5 minutes later.
He has spent the evening sighing and whining. He is either on my feet or at the door whining. When I let him out, he stands there staring at the gate, clearly waiting for Daddy to come home. The world just isn't right, in his view, when one of us is gone.
I understand, Jojo. I feel like things are better when he's here, too. He keeps me sane and laughing.
He's right. I can't worry when I laugh.
No comments:
Post a Comment