Deja vu

This is weird. Almost uncomfortably so.

So, for a variety of reasons I won't repeat yet again, I thought I might have ovulated overnight between Monday and Tuesday. As my temps don't really confirm that as yet, and I've had some twinges that would suggest otherwise, I'm not sure quite what is happening at this point.

What is eerie about that though is that the same damn thing happened a year ago. On cd 16/17. It's just crazy and weird. Ovulation is predicted to be the same day, the weird blip is the same. . .

I know it's likely coincidental. I know it probably doesn't mean anything. But it's hard not to watch this unfold and feel like it is familiar. To hope it's familiar. To let that secret voice leap forward in recognition and shout this must be it, it must, must, must. . .

(that one bit that forever longs for Gabriel returned to me, straining to be heard, looking for my son)

I've been here before. I'm tired of here, of waiting, of stasis, of gnashing teeth and hopeful wishes. I want to be beyond here, I want to get on with living life. And yet, I can't leave this behind, not while we might still have a chance of being parents.