Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Doing Better

Certainly, not being in the throes of fluctuating hormones and bombarded with messages celebrating mothers (and inadvertently driving home that I am not one of those - in the traditional sense, anyway) makes a big world of difference to my psyche.

But I'm still having difficulties. Work is busy, so busy I can't touch the project I've been enjoying. I'm feeling a bit stretched thin at the moment.

I'm lonely, terribly lonely right now. And I am SO grateful for my friends who have especially been there the past week or so (and T - for sitting with me and chatting for hours on Sunday - I absolutely adore you more than words can possibly say). They've been wonderful, beyond caring and kind.

But it doesn't matter so much to where I am. Because there are so few people I know going through something similar, this ttc after this type of loss. There are many wonderful women out there, but very few I've found in similar enough circumstances to really be able to talk to them about how this feels. And the ways in which this hurts and pinches.

And I want to talk. To other people who understand, not just well meaning people who care. Because while the caring is so good, and so touching and so helpful, it's not quite the same. I don't always have words to explain this to someone who hasn't been there; it's a failing on my part. And I don't want to burden people with it, even here in my space. I find myself shying away from saying too much or going on about it.

And if I'm being honest, I've been isolating myself in general for the past couple of weeks. I'm not sure how to fix it. Losing friends after losing Gabriel has made me wary of reaching out too much, has made me watch myself and what I say and do. I've never been good at moving physically beyond my comfort zone and going out to activities that might introduce me to new people. I have a touch of social anxiety and find it difficult to even meet one on one with people I've exchanged emails with, let alone go somewhere and try to meet new people in person. The thought is terrifying.

So, while things are better than they were on Friday (let alone over the weekend), things are still . . . not great. I'm trying. I'm trying to make steps towards being healthier - I walked a mile after work yesterday and did not eat the extra sugar on top of the ice cream I had - and to focus less consumingly on ttc. But I'm still feeling unsettled and upset and unhappy inside.

1 comment:

JamieW said...

I just found your blog and must say you write beautifully. I am so sorry that we must travel this road. My son died and was born on August 20, 2009. I was full term.