Relief

I know I've hinted that things at work are a little . . . uncertain right now.

I haven't wanted to come out and say what exactly was happening - partially because I didn't know before today, but also partially because I've been trying not to let the worry consume my entire life (that attempt has been less than successful, btw).

But now I know what's happening. Due to budget cuts (which we knew about) there will be positions cut (which we knew about). Late last week, word came down that instead of the 100 or so company-wide (over 6,000 employees), it was going to be more like 40 from our unit alone. Cue wild speculation and rumors flying and living in total fear about what will happen next.

The reality is that we spend up to (and sometimes over, though we're getting a lot better) our budget. If DH lost his job, we'd be tight and he'd have to find a way to make some income, but we could make it work somehow, at least short-term. If I lost my job, we'd be screwed. I make 2/3 of our income. The very thought had me shaking like a leaf. We're paying down debt and trying to build up savings, but . . . that is dependent on having income.

Before I'd been worried about getting pregnant and how leave would work and time off and bedrest and all the doctor visits . . . Suddenly, I was concerned about whether or not we should even be considering having a baby. And you want to talk about conflicting emotions. We've been all over the map. The compulsion to try is so strong that the thought of not trying (though tempered as it has become over the past few weeks) makes me cry. But trying when things were so uncertain and my job may be on the line? Utterly foolish.

Today, however, I was given the details about the cuts and what happens next and told explicitly that I am NOT on the list. I have never been on the list. And even better than that, I was told that I have really stepped up and am doing exceedingly well and that my boss' boss trusts me and will NOT let me go because she knows I can do my job well and I will be needed in the new plan. She also added that the database I'm creating has piqued interest in the Big Big Super-Boss' office. When I'm done, she's turning it over to them and they are going to consider it for a company-wide mandated use. Which . . . holy shit. No pressure or anything! God knows I'm frantically trying not only to make it useful for our purposes but also trying to make sure it can be used by others easily and intuitively as well.

So, I've been fretting. Worried, anxious, dreading each day at work, each closed door meeting, and now I feel as if an enormous weight has been lifted from me. I have a job and will continue to have a job for the forseeable future. And I'm succeeding in my job and we can go ahead with trying to conceive after all. The relief is too great for words. Thank God.