Thursday, July 22, 2010

My baby died. I'm fucking sad.

That's about all that needs to be said tonight.

But I'll add this.

I feel so lonely right now, so left behind that I can't stand it. I feel like my heart is going to break open from the pressure of the pain I feel right now.

I haven't cried in weeks. I finished with most that months ago. But tonight I can't seem to stop and I have to stop. It upsets DH and makes him unhappy and concerned and he feels impotent because he can't make this better for me and seeing his pain and causing it, to any degree, tears me up and makes the hurt that much worse.

I miss my old life and the life I thought I would have. I miss the touch of optimism and hope and belief that everything will turn out according to something I couldn't have seen before.

I miss old friends. I miss my purpose in life. I hate the fact that I know only a few people who are not pregnant or don't have kids and since it's by choice for them we stand on opposite sides of a divide.

I miss my son. More than there are words to express. I miss every milestone we never got, I miss everything I never got to tell him and I miss him.

My baby died.

I'm fucking sad.

8 comments:

Big Love, Big Acceptance - or so I say said...

Hi. I just found your blog. I'm sorry we're meeting under such circumstances, and I hate that your baby is dead (as well as mine).

Your post sums up exactly how I'm feeling tonight. Sad. Tired. And like I don't belong because so many of our friends are pregnant and/or have babies/young children too. Of course I was supposed to belong w/ these friends, but I don't anymore. And it sucks. Enough said.

Hugs to you! Thanks for sharing.

bir said...

Just want to let you know I'm here, and you're not alone. Same same. Hate those days. Sending you huge hugs right now x

(www.allthelittleponies.blogpspot.com)

Catherine W said...

I'm so sorry my dear. I wish that I could somehow give you back a little of that optimism and belief.

Allison (Ali) said...

I'm right there with you, feeling alone and like everyone (and life) is passing me by.

it seems to closer i get to a year the worse i feel.

i hope you find som measure of peace...

hugs

JamieW said...

I am here with you. I miss my friends too. I hate the ones that haven't been able to be a friend but I still miss them. I miss my optimism and hope the most... wish I could find it.

Dawn said...

I wish there were some way on this earth you could have him back. It's not fair.

I get so depressed when I read stories of neglected and abused babies and then think about my friends who have lost babies or who can't get pregnant. Thank God some of them end up in better situations, but so many of them do not. The distribution of babies in this world is seriously friggin' jacked up. I'm so sorry you feel lonely. I wish to God you didn't.

Stephanie Snowe said...

You are perfectly allowed to be sad. I'M VERY SAD TOO. I can't even imagine how sad you are.

But you aren't alone. You're never alone. We love you and love you and love you.

Kairos said...

The title of your post is so true and I'm sorry for your loss. I miss the old me too.
Peace to you.