Well, despite a lovely sort of temp jump this morning, the laughingly negative hpt and the early stages of cramping lead me to believe my period will begin as expected. Which is mildly disappointing, but otherwise ok.
I guess it's time once again to admit that I need to lose weight. And I need to be much more serious about it than I have been in the past year or so. For my health, for our chances of conception, for an easier pregnancy . . .
It's just that I'm lazy. I don't like exertion. I don't like change, and I know first hand just how much it is going to suck until it's become habit to exercise again. I don't want to go through it. It's hard, and embarrassing and demoralizing. I don't like the pitying and disgusting looks I get when I go to the gym. I don't like the trainers trying to sell me on their services. I don't like sounding like a cow about to die because my cardio health is so bad. I don't like sweating and I don't like the slow progress that is weight loss. I don't like the guilt that trying to lose weight seriously brings or the hunger or the cravings, at least until I'm over them.
It's so much easier to stay hidden inside this body and this fat. So much more comfortable.
But I don't think it's going to help. And I think it's what I need to do.
I just don't want to. And that mental block makes it all so much more difficult.