Tuesday, July 20, 2010

One of those honest, but less-than-attractive sorts of posts

I don't like pregnant women any more. The sole exception is my friend C. Because we tend to think along the same lines in pregnancy and she's been pretty sensitive to me. Because it's all about me, obviously.

I especially don't like being asked to be near them or newly born babies.

I don't want to hear stories about trying to conceive unless it's been long and agonizing because then, I don't mind being around you so much.

I've got no problems with you if you've had previous losses or infertility - because then you're my kind of people. We can look at each other and nod.

Women who get pregnant really easily or have 'oops' babies? I can't stand them right now.

It's awful. It's unattractive. It's ridiculous because I know, I know, how hard pregnancy is regardless. I know what a big life change it is, I know how carefully made plans falling aside can be horrifyingly big deals and . . . I know.

I sort of despise myself for the bitterness that can flood up in me. I sometimes have to stop myself from giving dirty looks.

It's solely a result of envy and disappointment. Neither of which are healthy or desirable emotions. Both of which I am ashamed of feeling ever in regards to something as happy as new life.

I know that another woman's pregnancy has nothing to do with my lack thereof or bad luck in pregnancy. I know that I truly wish every woman gets to remain blissfully ignorant and unaware that disaster and utter desolation are lurking right around the corner and that they are in no way immune because of any thing they have done or are doing or haven't done. Death doesn't care if you never smoked or drank a sip of alcohol or that you faithfully took your folic acid and ate your vegetables and slept on your left side.

I see it lurking all around, tragedy waiting to strike. It hides just out of view in the aisles of stores, it haunts these happy naive, you can just catch a glimpse if your turn your head, if you look me in the eyes. I fear I'm a bad luck charm, that I summon these ghosts and demons as my companions. If nothing else, I remind you of what is out there and I can't stay my lips. I want to implore you to please appreciate what you have and please don't take it for granted and assume it's a sure thing. Listen to the warnings that fall from my lips, but I'm a Cassandra, a speaker of doom that is not believed and truly of doom that may never appear.

Because what I can never remember is that I am the small minority, the statistical anomaly, the place that lightning struck. The rest of the world is fine.

11 comments:

Allison (Ali) said...

i feel exactly the same way. dont want to see pregnant women, or babies. blah....

Stephanie Snowe said...

I often feel the same way.

B said...

i could have written this post.

i keep trying to write something else but all i can say is that i feel almost exactly the same, and it really really sucks.

xxx

cassandra said...

There is such a vast difference between writing something like “I don’t like pregnant women any more” and something like “I don’t like being around pregnant women because it reminds me of what I don’t have”. Vast difference.

Of course, a pregnant woman who is a member of the “dead baby club” is a-ok, or someone who has had a “long and agonizing” road to conception is okay. Otherwise you have to stop yourself from giving “dirty looks”? But if you see a pregnant woman in public do you bother to ask if she’s a member of your club? Or do you immediately not like that person because they deigned to procreate. Damn them. How could they not know you were out there in the universe? How could they slight you like this?

I guess I can be a member of your “club”, but I will never be able to look at you and nod. You’ve wrapped yourself up in a cloak of bitterness, you roll around in it, and you own it and wag it around like a designer purse. You sound like you are just begging for someone else to feel the horrible hurt you feel, as if it could perhaps transfer some of your own pain from you to them. How dare you?

You are not excused from expected common decencies in organized society. You don’t get a free pass. Your “disaster”, “utter desolation”, “demons”, “ghosts”, “doom”…they do not entitle you.

I firmly believe that everyone has their own story to tell, their own tragedies. It’s how we react and deal with these things that make us who we are. You get to choose. Fancy that. CHOICE. You have chosen poorly and I fear that it has only rocketed you further and further away from peace.

And I think you prefer it that way.

This way you don’t have to face reality. This way you don’t have to look at yourself and think “what can I do”. Or “how can I help myself”. This way, it’s the universe. It’s God. Or the Devil. It’s someone else. It’s bad luck, demons, ghosts, DOOM. Lightning. This way, there is no way out. You get your “badge of honor” and shout “look at me, look at me; I’m a speaker of doom!” Who is listening to you? Are your warnings heeded?

You remind me of what is out there. That is true. You remind me that I HAVE A CHOICE.

Dawn said...

Wow Cassandra, who the hell said that she CHOSE to feel that way? We human beings are full of all sorts of thoughts/feelings that we would probably prefer not to have. I don't get why you're ranting and raving at her for being honest.

I experienced a first trimester miscarriage, very common and NOTHING compared to what she went through, and I can tell you that I experienced many of these emotions she describes myself in the weeks and even months afterward. Even now, I cringe at the optimism of expectant parents who announce their news to the world early on.

Good for you if you suffered tragedy and don't feel this way. But don't assume that someone who does chooses to feel that way.

Jess said...

Cassandra -

Just as you have the right to make a choice, how does the author not have the right to write what she wants on her personal blog? You have jumped to so many inappropriate and speculative conclusions that it's dizzying. I assume that you have your own coping mechanisms in place to dissipate any shame a mature adult might feel for chastising a woman for emotions that she cannot control and actions that she never said she acted upon. Wonderful. But your projections are pretty out of line. You are "not excused" or "entitled," and nor do you "have a free pass" either.

Kate said...

Cassandra,

Shame. On. You.

Birdie said...

Actually, I think Cassandra has a really good point.

Kate said...

There's no use discussing this.

L_xox said...

The one thing my pregnancies and losses have taught me...... Everyone is entitled to feel however the hell they want.

I hated pregnant women simply for the fact they were pregnant. I'd had multiple losses, surely its only fair I'm allowed to hate those who have what my body kept screwing up? Isn't that just part of the healing process. Don't you have this period of hating everyone and everything? I felt like I was in a slump for tw years. Is that normal, abnormal, and who is anyone else to judge me for how I choose to grieve.

Once I couldn't handle pregnant women. Then, during one of my any many BAD days, I had a lady bump into me.... She turned around and was heavily pregnant. My instant response was to utter 'typical' under my breath. She gently placed her hand on my arm and told me that she had been where I am, and her baby was the result of 6 years of IVF. The only word she heard me say was 'typical'.

After that I began to TRY and not just despise people because they were pregnant and i wasn't. I don't always do a good job of it. But I needed a long time of being angry and bitter for what I didn't have.

I'm pregnant now, still not past the 1st trimester. No ones knows, I'm too scared to share it. I saw fingers on my scan this week. My body has never been able to hold a baby that long. Abd I live in fear now of how I would grieve a baby that had fingers :(

If I'm lucky enough to stay pregnant, I know people will 'hate' me. Someone will have had a loss, or can't fall pregannt and they will hate me. They wont ask me how many years of hell I went through to get here, but thats OK. Because if them hating me makes there day so not freaking horrible, how doesn that hurt me.

We should be supportive and encouraging of women with IF and losses, not telling them that what they are doing is right or wrong. because it is different for everyone. You do what you need to do to get by, and no one else should ever ask for anymore than that.

I hope that made some SENSE, I tend to not make sense when I write when somethign has frustrated me!!!

L_xox said...

apologies if you got a million psots of te same thing.
i lept getting and Internet Explorer error :(