Monday, August 11, 2008


I'm a big FAIL. I feel just wretched over my body right now. I was actually depressed over things yesterday. Lots of ewcm Thursday and Friday, just as it normally is before ovulation. Some ovulatory pain on both sides, but more on the left. We had sex both nights and I was feeling good about our prospects. Intense, pinching cramps on the left side very late Friday night (or Saturday morning). And no temp rise. But other fertility signs are pretty much gone - cm is scarce and less wet and cervix is down. I'm feeling confident that I ovulated, just too late to catch a temp rise. Throughout the day it stays the same - cervix is lower and more firm, and there is little fluid. What is there is more wet than creamy, even spots of ewcm, but nothing like the Niagra Falls of the previous two days. So I'm feeling better about things - even to the point of taking the night off from sex as scheduled. I really believed it would be too late to do any good.

Imagine my horror when Sunday morning brought not only no temp spike, but another drop. I started crying in bed. I'm so sick of this. Constant monitoring, constant doubting that I'm recording correctly. I mean, who has TWO WEEKS of fertile fluid?!?! Me, apparently. I've been doing this long enough to tell the difference. All I can guess is that I am discovering borderline fluid earlier by checking internally and that is contributing to the problem. And I know how stressed out I've been and how stress negatively impacts my cycle. And I know that putting five pounds back on and not working out can affect my cycle negatively. The stress has caused weird sleeping patterns and that can affect my cycle. I'm not eating as well when I'm stressed, which can affect my cycle. Onwards in a mean spiral.

But I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of the sex. We are once a week (if that people). Due to odd circumstances, we've gone months without sex without complaint. Tonight will make 10 times in 15 days. I can't keep this up. It's not relaxing, and it's beginning to be not enjoyable, despite our best efforts. I'm not feeling closer to DH, I'm feeling like I need a break. TEN TIMES in the last 15 days. We've had more sex in the last three cycles than we had this calendar and last combined. I'm past the point of enjoying it right now.

We did have sex again last night. My cervix was back up again and open, though fluid remained watery and there was less of it, but I did have more pinching pain around my left ovary. This morning brought loads more of ewcm and a cerix too high to reach. I didn't believe it was really ewcm, but it passed the water test when it balled up and didn't disappear. I'm having sharp, pinching pain on both sides (though not at the same time) today. I need to go to the bathroom for another check of things and see where they are. I expect we'll have to have sex again tonight. And that we'll keep doing this until we know for sure. With my luck this will all have been for naught and I'll start my period (anovulatory or not) just in time for next cycle to fall during our vacation.

So all of this makes me feel like a giant fail. I wasn't even all about having to get pregnant this cycle. I was just wanting things to go smoothly for our trip, which is fast becoming desparately needed. So the fact that I'm so stressed and fat, and not eating well and not working out and not sleeping well and throwing off ovulation and feeling lousy and dumb at work and not wanting to have sex anymore and ruining our vacation and so on has left me feeling like one giant, spectacular FAIL. I fail at life, is how I feel right now and I'm so tired and grouchy all I want to do is cry.

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