Wednesday, August 6, 2008

I can't deal with this much longer.

I am not good at dealing with stress. Fact of the matter, reality, whatever. In one sense, being up against a deadline pushes me and I am far more productive than otherwise. I thrive on that challenge. But too much pushes me into the realm of overwhelmed. I can still function (usually) and can even blow through stuff relatively quickly. However, I quickly lose the ability to prioritize and seem to rush, frazzled, from one fire to the next without being able to see how well the previous one was put out nor seeing which one is doing most damage. Just rush from one to the next. My to-do list is scattered post-it notes and half-jotted notes on my note-pad. My once lovely list in Outlook with due dates and notes and reminders is history. I haven't had time to be that organized.

Because we were off yesterday for the lamest tropical storm ever (separate issue), timesheets weren't in on time. They didn't extend the deadline for submission to payroll, so I had to spend the morning corralling them and checking them and I ended up completely scattered. Add to that other random things of importance (someone's resigned, we need to terminate and do a job posting, money isn't where it should be, monthly timesheets are due, these orders need to be processed). Today would have been busy on its own without the addition of having to cut my day in half and go to the other department. Pushing a busy 8 hour day into 4 hours and then rushing over to try and get caught up (with no workstation) and working on things that are totally out of my depth (hey, at least I'm learning, right?) and semi-training the new guy without trying to overstep the actual dba's boundaries . . . and I'm a wreck.

I started out feeling relaxed, rested, refreshed, and ready to ovulate. Now I'm feeling harried, stressed, frazzled, scattered, and completely behind. I'm already half an hour late to the other department and trying to choke down scalding hot chili that my dear husband brought. Very thoughtful, but really not what I was hoping for (which was a cheeseburger I could eat as I walked). I haven't even had time to pee yet (sound familiar?) and I'm definitely not drinking enough water (I'm going to try and slam a bottle before I leave). AUGH.

We've been continuing the two nights on, one night off approach, and it seems to be working. I think we've also isolated the major problem with Dh - exhaustion. When he was well rested, no problem. When he was tired - it was an issue. We've gotten adept at working around it (and actually managed a very satisfying real life quickie this weekend) but still. If ttc must continue, I'm relieved we know what to fix now. For awhile, I was having scant but fertile fluid and since Friday evening, I've had plenty of slippery fluid and sharp ovulatory-related pains, but thus far - no ovulation. I'm worried it won't happen and this stress isn't helping. I'm doing what I can to breathe deeply and relax, but that has had limited success so far.

I'm just ready to scream. After working 4 hours this week, and this morning, I am already desparately counting the hours until this weekend (and wondering how to con my husband into cleaning the rest of the house). At least I have some fabulous co-workers stepping up all around me and offering to help however they can. That is a relief and I am trying hard to express my gratitude to them. I think I need to bake some bread and/or cookies as a special thank you.

For now, wish for my ovulation to occur relatively on time (that would be around today - by the end of the week would be sufficient) so I have one less thing to stress about. The yoga dvd is definitely coming out after the floor is vacuumed tonight.

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