Monday, August 18, 2008

What a mindfuck.

So, I started spotting Friday. Brown spotting internally, but enough that I couldn't tell if I had actual cm and what it might be. Disappeared on Friday evening, but there was enough there that I wasn't into sex at all.


Spotting continued Saturday, brown externally, but red internally. I thought I might have some ewcm, but again, too much blood to confirm. Not enough to meet the definition of flow, but enough to be annoying. Definitely no sex. I waited to see what was going to happen. There was no way to know for certain - spotting could mean ovulation, could mean excess uterine lining shedding (especially likely given that if things had gone as they had previously, I was due for my period this weekend), could mean infection, could mean nothing. Yesterday was lots more brown spotting. Cervical position was generally not fertile, and yesterday became low/closed/firm. What fun for me.

And then, as I've resigned myself to no period (wouldn't have been real anyhow), and to an extended vacation in no-woman's land - my temp spiked today. 97.3. That is firm in post-o temps for me. It's a very clear thermal shift. Now I get to wait and see if it's a sustained thermal shift. Joy. If I did in fact ovulate yesterday, that effectively ruins this cycle, because while we had tons and tons of sex during periods with lots and lots of ewcm, we actually only had sex 5 days before ovulation. Even in ideal conditions, it is unusual for sperm to live so long, and these were not ideal conditions.

It makes me angry and upset. It also means we could be looking directly at my period on vacation/anniversary. All I can do is hope not. It may be just fine. If I went back to a 34 day cycle, we'd be looking at Oct. 2 for my period to start, which would be ok. Even my period a day or two early would allow for a generally good vacation (lots of wine). And maybe there is some hope of finding out on our anniversary trip that we are expecting our first child. That would be a pretty spectacular anniversary gift. And I could still drink plenty of wine in advance of that. Do you see the wine theme here?

Well. I'm bitter about this cycle - and while I've never had that high a temp pre-o, it's possible it's just one more mindfuck from my body. But who knows. I'll try to stay positive. It's really hard not to think about all the people I know (and there a good number) who got pregnant from sex four to seven days before ovulation. But if we can't get pregnant from well-timed sex, our odds now are pretty freaking low. At least I won't have to worry about phantom symptoms or early testing, right? That's a bonus I suppose. The odds of pregnancy from our intercourse pattern are ridiculously low, so peeing on anything would be a total wate of money.

Still an end would be nice, saving some money will be ok, a decent chance at a mostly period free vacation (with a possibility of an anniversary gift beyond belief), and freedom to booze it up on our trip are all positive things and I need to focus on those.

Wish me luck.

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