Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Heh, I'm not crazy, really.

Reading back through some of posts, I realize that I sound a little (or a lot) manic. When I post, I let things flow out into what I'm writing. So it may read as wound up or as tense or as overly fearful or paranoid or panicked over small things, but that's because I'm pushing that emotion outwards in this medium. Oftentimes I feel far, far better after posting because I've gotten some of the toxicity or crazy out of my system, and I go about my day feeling much happier.

Of course, you don't see that part.

I have another (private) blog that I use as a free-flow journal and that is even more jacked up than this. But it really helps. And since I've long had issues with bottling my emotions until I explode from pressure, I'm really pleasantly surprised by how much this has helped me. Journaling on paper never did it for me; I think having the instant availability of the internet and the ability to later edit, if I choose, what I've written makes it a lot more open to me and allows me to get things out as I'm feeling them.

Last night I had what my old therapist would call a breakthrough moment. I was feeling a bit sad because I recognized someone when they posted that they are expecting their second child. I remember them trying to conceive their first! who is now 14 months old! When I did the month, I felt sad. I posted elsewhere about what I was feeling and 10 minutes later, felt enormously better. Dealing with it then, acknowledging the emotion, and the logic around it and getting it out and moving on - what a novel concept. But something I struggle with a lot. I place a lot of judgements around my emotions and analyze whether or not I should feel a certain way, whether or not it's right to feel that way.

There is a place for that, of course. You can't fly off the wall and express every emotion in the instant you feel it or live on emotion, or you would hurt people and be pretty selfish. But not everything requires an instant analysis or effort to push it aside or squash it down and pretend it doesn't exist. It may not be right or nice to feel that sadness about someone else's joyful news, but taking a moment to acknowledge it was there and then conciously pushing it away (rather than trying to force it away or pretend I wasn't sad for a moment about my choices and life situation) - that was better. It was the right thing to do, and made me feel better without hurting that person.

That is what this blog can do for me in moments of turmoil. It allows me to feel it, to acknowledge it, to express it, and then to deal with it more appropriately. It's a good thing.

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