Monday, December 28, 2009

That Procreative Stuff

Well, shit.

My temp not only didn't rise this morning, it dropped.

MTHFR, indeed.

Anyway, I've not discussed this much here because I've been busy, but also because, well, I'm not sure I have really wanted to open this up to too much expectation (even within myself). The last cycle of not really trying but finding that due to perversity there was a slim chance of pregnany made me realize how disappointed I was not to be pregnant. And while good wishes and encouragement and happy thoughts (but NO BABY DUST, because, ew)(on five or more levels) are very much appreciated, throwing out all the details of my cycle (even though, yes, this started primarily as a ttc/pregnancy blog) and knowing people are reading them feels a bit like added pressure.

Which, I acknowledge is sort of dumb. Because it can neither help nor hurt, nor be any bigger than the pressure I already feel (but am trying to reduce per my work with my therapist), but there it is. I had hoped to come in and announce that the vitex had worked beautifully, that I had just confirmed ovulation on cd 15, and that I was really pleased with our timing and prospects.

But this morning my temp dropped and the previous two were questionable to begin with. Additionally, the fertility signs were sketchy yesterday, my cervix doing weird things like not fully closing or moving back to low (I gave up on texture long ago). Cervical fluid was creamy, but copious and very wet. Which is also unusual.

I never have yet gotten a positive OPK this cycle. (Sidebar: Clearblue Easy is now packaging 20 digital tests together and some savvy shopping can help you find them for less than the cost of two boxes of 7. For someone like me, this is blissful news indeed. DH raised an eyebrow at the cost until I pointed out the cost of 20 opk's plus the box of 7 digitals. This is easier.)

We had had some concern about managing to find ways to have sex in my mom's house when we are not sharing rooms or beds and there were other people in the house with terribly thin walls, especially when one considers that exhibition has always been inhibiting for us and also that in the over 4 years we've been married we have had marital relations exactly 3 times prior to this and those were all while trying to conceive and we were desperate. And when one considers that 90% of our 'vacations' take place here, well, you get the picture, no?

We got lucky, or so we had thought, with the timing indicating that really, one night of sneaking around and being vewy vewy quiet would cover it. We managed it with nary a waking soul, and were releived. My brother left yesterday and we managed to sneak in a quickie when my mom went out to the store for a bit, and that just for fun because we thought I had already ovulated.

At least now she'll be returning to work so we don't have to sneak so much anymore.

But we're both tiring of this ride again. And the fact that after a beautiful chart, I did not, in point of fact, actually ovulate is wearying. It's frustrating. We can work enough sex to continue good timing, but we really aren't that into it right now. Which is so sad. But having been set back time and again and having been through over a year, I think - all added up together, of this ttc drama, we'd both like to skip this step and just be pregnant again. God knows there is more than enough anxiety surrounding that to waste much angst on ttc. Unlike 95% of women, I am all too aware of the fragility of pregnancy and in that tiny batch that need to know that pregnancy is not the goal after all, only the first mark in the mountain.

And that brings me back around to why I've not been talking much about it. In addition to not wanting the pressure, I don't want to write too much about it all. The anxieties I feel are all centered around what happens after sperm meets egg. I am anxious for that to happen and am doing a good deal to try and help it along, but getting hung up on if/when . . . I haven't got the energy right now. If we continue for another month or two with no luck, then perhaps I will feel that way, but for now. . . I just can't. I feel like we have a pretty good track record (which is of course, no guarantee for how things will go this time round), and we know how to time it all. . . my labs are all good, etc. So we just have to suck it up and do it.

I just wish it would happen faster.

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