Wednesday, June 23, 2010

That settles that.

For a variety of reasons, including a wee bit of sleep deprivation, I realized that I've missed at least two, and possibly three doses of my anti-depressant until tonight.

I noticed that yesterday and today, I'd been feeling more scattered, more anxious, and this evening was starting to feel really down. I didn't like it at all. It was unnerving, and didn't feel good.

Now that I realized the pills were missing, I'm thinking there may be a connection.

Which is sort of scary. I didn't want to be forever dependent on the A/Ds. But you know what? My mom has needed them for a long time. And if that is how it feels going off?

No thanks.

The way I feel on is just so much more stable. It's not numbing, it's not a happy pill. It just . . . keeps me level and helps me focus. The highs are still highs, but the lows and the fears are not so soul-sucking and crushing.

Scary thought that my prescription is almost up again. Definitely need to get a new PCP and consider switching the prescription out from Dr. B to a PCP. Because, man. It was hell getting the last one written. I'll try the pharmacy thing the office suggested, but . . . ugh.

Even if I rethink it after the fact, there is no way I will consider going without the A/Ds as we approach August. God, how I've loathed that month. It's certainly not endeared to me now.


B said...

when it's time for you to come off the ADs, your doc will wean you off. but you are taking them for a reason right now, so it's not surprising that missing a few doses made you feel bad. if you were taking tablets for, say, your stomach, and you missed a few before you were done, you wouldn't be surprised if your stomach began to hurt again, would you?

this is early days. one day you'll be ready, and your dose can be cut down and then stopped completely. but not yet.

hope you're ok xx

CottonSocks said...

Yes, doing ok! Thanks!

I think that what I'm learning is that I don't want to go off ADs. My mom is chemically depressed and has been most of her life.

I've suffered from bouts of depression on and off for years. I fought ADs for a long time, feeling that my depression was controllable, and I think it was.

What I'm finding now though, is that I prefer how I feel on ADs. I like that I'm not so sluggish and tired. I like that I am not so anxious and so easily worked up. I like that I have an easier time focusing.

I think, though I've fought it for a long time, that I may one of those people who need longer term chemical help.

I remember my mother's battle with depression and how confusing her withdrawals and hospitalizations were. She was always loving, but the guilt and depression really ate at her. I don't want that in my life or (hopefully) in my children's lives.

I would like to move back to Pristiq though, as soon as is possible. It was a better fit for me than the Zoloft is.

B said...

i'm glad you're doing ok!

a friend of mine in work was talking to me the other day and she said she thinks she's going to be on her ADs forever, and she's quite happy about that. her depression is chemical, and she functions as a member of society with them, and she doesn't without. and i think that's what it comes down to. if your life is happier with ADs and you can function and have a happier life, then why stop taking them? with me, although i'm prone to anxiety and (to a lesser extent) depression anyway, the reason i've needed the tablets was losing the baby, so i hope they're just a short term measure with me. BUT - if it becomes clear that that's not the case anymore? then i will keep taking the tablets for as long as i need them. and i will not apologise for that or think that it somehow makes me failure. because it wouldn't.

take care. and don't forget to take them again ;)