Monday, June 14, 2010

Well, hello cycle 15, 16? 6, 7? I've lost count.

After a promising weekend, things took a dive yesterday afternoon when I started spotting. Naturally after getting what we thought was a positive test on a cassette. Line formed within 2 minutes and was visible and pink-ish.

The spotting actually stopped relatively quickly. We felt sort of hopeful. But alas, this morning's temperature nose-dived and spotting increased overnight and cycle what-the-fuck-ever-it-is has arrived.

And you know what?

It's ok.

Last cycle? Not ok. Definitely not ok.

Cycle before that? Also not ok. It hasn't been ok to be not pregnant in awhile.

But for reasons I cannot possibly explain to you, this time it is. I feel calm, not anxious. I don't feel depressed or sad, just a little disappointed that it didn't work out. I really feel like it will happen when it is meant to happen (and I'm not sure what entity in the universe controls that, but that's a philosophical discussion for another time). There are other things taking up my attention right now. Trying to get more consistent with the exercise (better last cycle, but in no way consistent). I've set a small, and I think achievable, weight loss goal for the next two weeks. And a slightly bigger goal for the next month. DH is helping me patiently with that - to the point of agreeing to weigh me and write it down so I don't know the number, because I think that would lead to obsession.

We are also working to pay down the debt, and frankly, every month more we have to do that is that much better I feel about a pregnancy and the possible complications and a child. I worry a lot about how it will all fit together. I know it will all work itself out, but not quite being able to see how that is stressed me out some. It's slow progress, but it is progress. And that is worth focusing on.

And in some ways, though this is subject to radical change, I kind of think it might be better not to be pregnant when Gabriel's birth date rolls around. I mean, we're not stopping ttc at this point (unless we decide to get short-term disability for me during open enrollment, then we may), but that time might be easier without the stress of a pregnancy on it.

I guess, in many ways, I'm sort of relaxing about it all. I don't know why. I don't know how long this will last. I don't know anything. I'm just sort of . . . hanging out right now. Waiting to see what happens. If anything, and this may be cursing it, I feel pretty good about the upcoming cycle. Like, things are aligning in ways they haven't yet. But if it doesn't work, well, hopefully that will be ok.

But today, I'm happy to go back to drinking 3-4 cups of green tea. I really do enjoy it (w/ Splenda, to be clear. That stuff is nasty by itself!). I cut down to 1-2 cups during the 11-day wait, because of the potential to affect folic acid absorption (on top of the MTHFR absorption issues). In fact, I'm about to go make a cup now.

Cheers. I hope your day finds a warm comforting cup of something, or a good feeling, or a moment of peace.


biojen said...

I'm sorry this wasn't it, but glad you have found some peace for now. I hope it sticks around.

Alyssa said...

I'm sorry, too, that this wasn't it. It looked so promising!!! I'm glad you're feeling okay about it.

Now, I'm going to offer a piece of advice which you in no way have to take. It's totally up to you.

But I've been looking at your past charts, and it seems that the majority of the cycles you got pregnant on where when you had less sex in a row, and the last few cycles (where you haven't gotten pregnant), you've had like 7+ days of sex in a row. It might not mean anything, but if I were you, I would try to stick to your idea of 3 days on, 1 day off, thing. Even if you get a H or P reading on your monitor. Just a thought.

(PS. We sort of followed your 3 days on 1 day off thing in my most recent cycle, and that was the one we got pregnant on.)

Again, it's totally up to you what you do.