Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Not much to say.

I'm just hanging around, waiting to be fertile. I'm at a sort of inbetween point right now. Very milky cm - not quite creamy, not quite watery. Just hanging out. We could go ahead and start having sex, but it doesn't seem either of us are that interested. I've missed a day and a half of work because of bad headaches and exhaustion. I've kept DH up, so he's tired too. So sex just doesn't seem like a big priority right now.


We'll probably try to get things rolling tonight, since fertility seems to be just around the corner. I'm really envious of people with perfect 28 day cycles, because I'm tired of hanging around waiting on cd 13, not even being fertile yet.

To be honest, and I think this is a function of feeling utterly exhausted, I'm sort of tired of the whole thing and uninterested. I realized, when replying to a post about ovulation pain, that we had about as perfect timing as we possible could. We had sex about an hour before ovulation (in addition to all the other sex we had). I know with perfect timing and lots of sex you still only have a 20% chance, but damn. It couldn't have been more perfect, and it didn't work.

I know, I know. 80% odds it wouldn't. Still, I'm feeling disappointed about that, and sort of blah about another go round. I know, I know, at cycle 2? I need to shut the fuck up. I'm not complaining, necessarily, just thinking that maybe we don't need to try quite so hard or force the issue, because it'll happen when it happens. And letting it take over things the way it did for the first cycle can't be healthy. I mean, I want to give things the best shot possible, but I guess I also have a sort of fatalistic view that we are meant to have a certain baby at a certain time. So when that time comes, we'll get pregnant and there isn't much we can do to make it happen otherwise. Does that make sense?

I mean, that sort of has to make sense, otherwise, why wouldn't the perfect timing have resulted in me seeing the midwife this week? It'll happen when it happens, and obsessing over it won't make it happen sooner. I can't impose my will to have a child on my body and make sperm meet egg. Very frustrating, that. At the same time, we know that we have to have sex during the fertile period and give it a go to make the chance happen.

But I'm definitely not as excited or enthusiastic this time around. And because I'm tired, I actually feel a bit disgruntled about the whole thing. It doesn't help that the idea of sex feels like a chore right now. I think we'll both feel better if we have sex and if we then get a full night of sleep. I can only hope so anyway.

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