Friday, June 20, 2008

Thinking about expectations.

I didn't expect to get pregnant on the first try. I hoped I would. I hoped very much I would. I even thought, a little naively, that I had a better chance because I've charted so long, I'm so knowledgable and we had really good timing (as in sex about an hour before ovulation good).

It didn't happen. More than that, the first cycle ttc was humbling for me. I charted for 5 years, and secretly thought I was way ahead of the curve on this whole charting thing. Except I'd never charted for conception and it's a little different. Distinguishing between sperm and eggwhite fluid was never an issue before, and checking fluid internally yeilds different results than glancing at the toilet paper. I quickly took back all the eye rolls and grumblings that happened in my head as I had to fight the urge to ask about every little symptom and to fish for signs of pregnancy (and there were plenty of them).

We had focused for so long on starting to ttc that when we started getting there, I shifted my attention (er, obsession) from weight loss to ttc. Well, my weight loss stalled badly, my fitness level has dropped, and my obsession yeilded a lot of angst and no bfp. So now I have to find middle ground between obsession and paying attention and get back into living a variety in life. Continuing to work on watching my eating and on getting in the exercise even when I don't want to and having lots and lots of sex. I need to work on balance in my life.

Which brings me back to expectations. I think having expectations is not a bad thing, if they are realistic. The tiny part of me that went beyond hoping for pregnancy and smugly expected it to happen was not realistic. Expecting to get pregnant quickly is not necessarily realistic. Expecting to lose weight without effort in not realistic. Expecting my house to suddenly be clean without effort or for weeds to go away in my garden is not realistic. So how you do set realistic expectations?

I'm not sure. I think it goes back to balance. Because having excessively high or unrealistic expectations is not a good thing - it sets you up for failure and a constant sense of disappointment. That isn't good, especially if you are already prone to fits of highs and lows as I am. So balance. I need to find balance between hope and grim reality.

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