Monday, September 29, 2008

In which I reveal I am a big fat liar. . .

Ok, ok. I give up.

I'm knocked up.

If you couldn't immediately tell that from the new tickers, the creepy dino baby (sorry it's going to look like that until 7 weeks, and will remain creepy until about 10-12 weeks. thems the breaks.), and the obnoxious pink Due in June blinkie I'm rocking from the sides, then I have to assume something is wrong with your eyesight.

Or that you aren't really reading too closely, because you should have been able to pick up on the super high temps and the lack of period before now. I've known since last Sunday and have said nothing, not because I enjoy deceiving you, gentle readers, but because I had reasons for waiting. Ah, just a moment, and I will walk you through the glorious path I trod to pregnancy-dom.

You already know about the temp spikes, so we'll just jump right in to Sunday, Sept. 21 and that random jump to 98.1. That was awfully high, so I went and immediately peed in a cup, which is after all what one does when they are attempting to procreate and have a major temp spike.

I took a $tree test and an internet test. They were both negative. Booo, hissss. But I couldn't get that temp out of my mind. So I broke out the First Response Early Response I'd been saving up, and took it. A word about FRER, if I may (and yes, I may). One of the things I've always enjoyed about pregnancy tests is watching my pee mix with dye and change colors and wash across the viewing panel, and watching the lines get dark. I find that fascinating. FRER doesn't do that though. It's weird. At first I felt vaguely disappointed but now I really like them. Instead, wetness moves across the screen and a vague line appears that gets darker and pinker. Kinda cool.

Anyhow, you are supposed to read the results at 3 minutes, which I think is dumb. I watched the control line change with interest, then set it down and went on my way. After about 5 minutes, I went to check it and . . . there was a faint, faint line. The conversation went like this:

Me: Uh, honey? Uh, OMG.
DH: Yeah? What is it?
me: Um, is this a line?
dh examines test, and frowns.
dh: Yeah, I think so. It's pretty faint though.
me: What color is it? It's pink, right? That's a pink line! OMG!
dh: I dunno. It's awfully faint. I'm not sure there is a color.

I must've examined that test in the sunlight a million times. It looked pink to me. But I had those negatives, so I wanted to be cautious. So out we went to buy more tests. Another box of three FRER and a box of three WalMart Equates, which good good marks.

Home again after lunch to pee (oh, dear lord, did I have to pee since I'd been holding it for three hours). I took 5 tests - FRER, $tree, internet cassette, Equate and a digital. Clear +, faint +, faint line too faint to call (but until then, including the test I'd taken earlier, not even a shadow or evap line, so I was encouraged), faint +, Not Pregnant. Hrm. Well, three positives in addition to the earlier on multiple tests probably meant I was pregnant, but both DH and I were trying to be cautious and not too hopeful. After all, chemical pregnancies happen and I had only just realized that 10 dpo is awfully early to learn these things. . .

I did take one more FRER that night, and it was the darkest line yet; even Dh admitted it was clearly pink. Light, but clearly there. I went to bed thinking, "Holy shit. I'm pregnant. At least for today."

* * *

Monday. Yeah, this is going to be a freaking long post. Settle in.

I woke up to the alarm. DH took my temp and muttered, "Huh. Well, it probably doesn't mean anything." I asked what the hell he was talking about and he reluctantly told me that my temp had dropped over half a degree. I freaked the fuck out. Did this mean chemical pregnancy? Is that what was happening here? Those positives were pretty faint, and I got a Not Pregnant on the digital. Ok, it was only 10 dpo and they are less sensitive (or at least that particular, older batch nearing the expiry date was), but now I had a massive temp drop at 11 dpo, and my period was due to start the next day or the one following. My heart was racing and sinking and I ran downstairs and peed in a cup. I spent the next forty minutes alternatively taking tests (one at a time) and staring at them, shaking. I got clear positives on FRER, $tree, internet cassette, and on Equate, once I took the damn plastic cover off. Oh I know you aren't supposed to do that, but I couldn't tell if there was a line or not, there was a bad glare. It was really clearly there and pink once I removed the cover. Again though, the digital said Not Pregnant and I was really worried. Dh tried to comfort me, but I was just too freaked out.

Eventually we had to go to work, and for some reason, not even realizing I'd done it, I stuck the clear positive FRER in my purse. I found it later when I went to get my wallet to get coffee. I feel dumb, but I also felt better looking at it. It was not my imagination. It was there, it was real, it said yes, and it was the darkest one yet.

When we left work, I asked if we could please stop and get more tests and another digital. I was concerned, and we wanted to save one of the remaining two digitals to give to my mom when we told her (which we totally didn't do, btw). I couldn't take that last one and see Not Pregnant again, and I was feeling anxious. DH humored me nicely and we stopped at spooky without power Target and got another box of 3 FRER and the only digitals there, FR Gold digital. As you know from previous posts, I'm not a fan of the Yes/No thing they've got going on. I think Positive or Negative would be nicer.

Anyway, I cursed all the way home (took an hour because the traffic lights are all still out) and I had to pee badly. Finally arrived, peed to my sweet, sweet relief and took another FRER. This time the line was almost as dark as the control, so I gulped and did the digital FR. It came up YES, and I whooped and shouted for joy. DH rolled his eyes. He's believed this was our cycle since ovulation, and thought that 10 positive pregnancy tests ought to be enough to convince me. I won't say he's wrong there or anything. . . But I was freaked out.

* * *

Tuesday. Temp went back up. Tested again, although already feeling better and fully resolved to put the thermometer (crackpipe) down for good. All the tests (almost the last of the $trees and Equates) were clear, vibrant pink positives. The digital gave me a blissful Pregnant, and I'll admit that was a sweet moment.

I called the midwife, Jackie, that day, but the birth center was still closed after the hurricane. I have spent the remaining time in wonder that I am pregnant and that my boobs hurt so much. After so much fear early on, I am striving each day, each moment to simply enjoy this pregnancy, however long it lasts. It's not easy. I am a worrier and I freak out easily, but I'm trying hard.

I'll talk more in separate posts about telling people, especially my mom, and about what symptoms I've had both in the 2ww and post-BFP. And I've got lots and lots to say about how I'm feeling, but this is enough for now, I think. The major stats follow:

We're calling the baby Chickie or Chickadee. I'm due June 4. I'm excited, DH is excited, we're both feeling good. He thinks girl, I think boy, at least for now. And wow. SO much more to come.

I'm pregnant! I'm actually going to have a baby!

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