Saturday, July 11, 2009

I am a bump fraud.

I never thought I was going to be one of those women who cared about a baby bump. Let alone GOT a baby bump. After all, I'm pretty fat, and many fat women don't show until the end, if at all.

Until I noticed that my fat was sticking out more. That's right. I know it's my fat, but above my belly button, I've noticed in the last 3 weeks that my fat is more visible. Like, it's clearly evident beneath shirts that were loose. And in maternity shirts (which I wear for my boobs) it sort of smoothes to a lumpy small bump.

Now I feel obsessed with it. I'm constantly asking DH if he sees it too (he frequently concurs that my clothes are fitting differently) and standing sideways in the mirror asking if it's possible that I might get a bump after all and possibly be recognizably pregnant before 38 weeks. Insane. I can feel my uterus growing - it's now grown up under a layer of fat, which makes it harder to find at this point, but it will get higher and bigger.

Meanwhile, I find myself obsessed with this rearrangement of my fat and organs (and growth is evident in the decreased frequency and urgency of urination, and that fact that my bladder of steel has returned).

But it's all a fraud. Because I felt all special with my sort of bump there and then . . . I saw myself in a glass door while I was walking . . . and yowza. Not pretty, not cute, not bumpy yet at all. Sigh. Maybe someday. Until then, I'll continue to stare in the mirror and smooth imaginary circles around my imaginary bump.

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